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WELCOME

Atkinson Live" recorded in december 1991 at the Boston University

Theatre.

(The Devil, carrying a clipboard, descends from stairs amid swirling smoke and

screams of anguish. The Devil looks at the audience and starts his speach:)

"Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive

of you probably realised by now, this is Hell. And I am the Devil, good

evening, but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal

in here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell

it every time.

Now, you're all here for ..... Eternity! Ooh, which I hardly need tell

you is a heck of a long time, so you'll all get to know each other pretty

well by the end. But for now I'm going to have to split you up in groups.

Will you stop Screaming! Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters and

Pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them, and Lawyers, you're

in that lot too.

<p>Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you!

Could I split you up into Adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers, if

you could just form a line in front of that small Guillotine in the corner.

Em... The French, are you here? If you could just like to come down

here with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.</p>

Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please. You must be feeling a right

bunch of Nitwits. Never mind. And finally, christians. Christians? Ah,

yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you would come down

here, that would be really fine.</p>

Okay! Right, well are there any questions? Yes. No, I'm afraid there

aren't any toilets. If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it

was damnation without relief, so if you did not go before you came, then

I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then I believe

that's the idea.</p>

Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! And I'll catch you all later at

the barbecue. Byee!"

No one called Jones', by Rowan Atkinson

Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit. Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup. Come on, grow up please. Genital. I'm sorry, Genital. Herpes. Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick don't you? Jaculation. Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you? Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyoursh. Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent.

Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. All mmbers of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humour and purile inuendo about the school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out! There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories. Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found. If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone! I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place. I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferrett. So there will be an end to this second form toilet humour where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick, detention Saturday. Right, I'm going to the staff room ow, and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday, then there'll be trouble!

- From Rowan Atkinson live :-)