[ A Matter of Taste | The Honeymoon | Drinks for Tricks ]

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire, and to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it, I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is: somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery. One said to the other, "Gee, your face is a mess. What happened?"

The other bloke replied, "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting yourself; what happened to you?"

The second patient said, "Honeymoon." The first fella said, "How did you do that on your honeymoon?"

The damaged groom said, "Well it was the third day of our post nuptials so we decided to leave the suite and check out the resort we were staying at. The new wife is quite a keen golfer so we elected to play 18 holes."

"Did she belt you with the club?" asked the inquisitive patient.

"No, No" said the husband. "Everything was just fine until we arrived at the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the boundary fence and into this cattle stud next door. Well, she wanted to look for the ball so we both jumped the fence and started looking for it. Anyway after ten minutes searching we still hadn't found it. So I started poking around in the cow pats that were lying everywhere."

"Did you find it then?" his roommate asked.

"Not immediately, but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail. So I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there was a golf ball jammed right in the crack of the cow's bum. It was the same number as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cows bum and yelled to the wife 'This looks like yours darling,' and I woke up here in the hospital."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."