[ Toddler Helpline ]

These are actual excuse notes, including original spelling.

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She as sick and I had her shot.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he has two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school today cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He has diahredyreadirethe.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had dirrhea his boots leak.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because don't know what size she wear.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
• Mayrann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother has a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Operator: Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline. How may I help you?

Parent: Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit. I have reason to believe that it is malfunctioning.

Operator: Could you please state the nature of the problem?

Parent: State the nature of the problem? You asked for it. My toddler is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!

Operator: Okay sir, please calm down, you don't need to shout. Now, I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist you fully. Number one, do have the boy or the girl unit?

Parent: A boy unit, why?

Operator: Okay, I see. Number two, is your boy toddler unit just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail, is the ceiling fan turned ON?

Parent: No, he is NOT rewiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on. He is tied to the stupid fan! Why does any of that matter? He is TIED TO A CEILING FAN. Neither my wife nor I put him there, and he is an ONLY UNIT. The dog lacks the know-how to put him there, so obviously the unit is malfunctioning!

Operator: Listen sir, I am really sorry. But if you have a boy toddler unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with your unit. It's functioning up to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?

Parent: Now YOU listen to me lady! I spent a lot of money on this model, and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in technical support!

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our entire technical support staff is on an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the Marquis de Sade.

Parent: Sheesh. If you can't help me, then I want to order an instruction manual!

Operator: Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too difficult for you to comprehend with!

Parent: Ahhh! Then just tell me where the stupid off switch is! You can do that, can't you?

Operator: Sorry, sir. No can do! Only product development knows where that is, and they're not telling!

Parent: Okay Smart-Alek, I want a REFUND, PRONTO!

Operator: I am truly sorry sir, but all units are custom-made and totally NONREFUNDABLE!

Parent: Hmm. Can I at least exchange it for another model?

Operator: No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are just as much trouble. They are more expensive to maintain. And the whining, well, let's just say you got off easy with the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire, but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!

Parent: Great, just GREAT. NOW what am I supposed to do?

Operator: Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU, I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call the doctor and make an appointment, for YOU! You sound stressed, stress can kill!

Parent: Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me first! Geez Lady, thanks for NOTHING!

Operator: Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call. Have a nice day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.