[ Four Great Nameless Jokes | The Golfing Genie | The Golfing Preacher ]

• "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
• "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
• "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"
• "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"
• "Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
• "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
• "I Want It All and I Want It Delivered... Now!"
• "Life Is Hard; Then You're Not Here"
• "Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
• "I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man... I've Been Practicing Since 1949"
• "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
• "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
• "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"
• "60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts... Make Offer"
• "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
• "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teacher"
• "A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
• "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
• "My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
• "I Yell Because I Care"
• "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
• "Procrastinate Now"
• "Rehab Is for Quitters"
• "Reelect Nobody"
• "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
• "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
• "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"
• (On a baby-size shirt) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
• "I Don't Suffer from Insanity.... I'm a Carrier"
• "El Niño Made Me Do It"
• "I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "
• "You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do"
• "I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About"
• "I'm Not Getting Older...I'm Getting Meaner "
• "That Was Zen; This Is Tao"
• "Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word"
• "Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs "
• "I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"
• "There Are Three Kinds of People... Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"
• "Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out"
• "Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican"
• "I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die"
• "A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother"
• "Disregard Last T-Shirt"
• "Don't Blame Me, I Only Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do"
• "I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get"
• "Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"
• "I'm Not 50 - I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience"
• "Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"
• "My Wife Says I Don't Listen to Her...Well?"
• "Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn't See Any Hill!"
• "I'm Not Unemployed... I'm a Consultant"
• "All I Ask Is That You Try Me "
• "Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension"

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off so they get the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, 420 yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and very excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"