The Funnies! - http://geocities.datacellar.net/Hollywood/Hills/9159/index.html

You Might be a Redneck Jedi if...

  • You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
  • Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
  • You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
  • At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
  • You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
  • You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
  • The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
  • Wookiees are offended by your BO.
  • You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
  • You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
  • Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
  • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
  • You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
  • You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
  • You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
  • Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
  • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
  • You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
  • If you hear... "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

One-Liners

  • Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
  • What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
  • Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank; proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat it, too.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  • A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
  • Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
  • A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 P.M. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

  • "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
  • "Do have a heavy door you need held open?"
  • "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
  • "So -- what are you wearing?"
  • "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
  • "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
  • "Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
  • "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
  • "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
  • "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
  • "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
  • "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
  • "What do you want first, the bad news, or how much it will cost?"
  • "Please hold..."

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