• "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
• "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
• "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car..."
• "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
• "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
• "Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
• "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• "i souport publik edekasion"
• "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
• "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
• "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
• "All generalizations are false."
• "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
• "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
• "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
• Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
• "Born Free...Taxed to Death"
• "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
• "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
• "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
• "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."
• "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
• "Work is for people who don't know how to fish."
• "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
• "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
• "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
• "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
• "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
• "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
• "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
• "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
• "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
• "No Radio - Already Stolen"
• "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
• "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
• "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
• "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
• "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
• "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
• "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
• "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
• "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
• "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
• "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
• "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
• "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
• Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
• "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
• "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
• "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
• "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
• "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
• "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
• "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
• "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
• "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
• "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
• "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
• "I is a college student."
• "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
• "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

• Human "genius" at work: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
• 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
  2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
  1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
  2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
  1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
• I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker - now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."
• Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
  Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
  Tech Support: "Well?"
  Person: "How do I know when it's ready?
  
• My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
• Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
• I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents.
• One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
• This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
• I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.
• I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
• Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

Zabu451: Hello from America Online! I'm sorry to inform you that there has been an error in the I/O section of your account database, and this server's password information has been temporarily destroyed. We need you, the AOL user, to hit reply and type in your password. Thank you for your help.

Newfpyr: Hello! This is Server Manager #563. I'm sorry to hear that your server has lost the password info. I mean, this has been happening too much lately.

NewfPyr: We have developed some solutions to this problem. Have you got the mail sent out to all server managers?

Zabu451: no

NewfPyr: Really? Ouch. There's been some problems with the server mailer lately. Oh, well. Here's a solution to this problem: try connecting your backup database to your main I/O port, then accessing the system restart.

Zabu451: no i still need passwords

NewfPyr: I see. Do you want me to send you the list of all the passwords of all the screen names of your server?

Zabu451: ya i want that

NewfPyr: Let me get the server manager to send it...

NewfPyr: He says I need your server manager password. Could you please type it in?

Zabu451: i dont have one

NewfPyr: What do you mean? That's the first thing every manager gets!

Zabu451: it got deleted

NewfPyr: Wow! You must be having a lot of trouble. Let me find out what server you're using...

[Note: I checked his profile. It said he was from Springfield, Mass.]

NewfPyr: Okay, you're number has been tracked to an area in Springfield, Mass.

Zabu451: how did u know?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!

NewfPyr: I used Server Tracker 5.0 . Don't you have it?

Zabu451: do you know my address!?!?!?!!?!?

NewfPyr: Of course not.

Zabu451: good

NewfPyr: I only know the number you're calling AOL from, which is from your server, right?

Zabu451: yes

NewfPyr: Good. Okay, now that we have you're number, we have you're address, and we are sending a repair team over there.

Zabu451: nonononono

Zabu451: stop them now

NewfPyr: Why? Isn't your server down?

Zabu451: nonono its working now

NewfPyr: They're still coming, just in case.

Zabu451: STOP THEM NOW

NewfPyr: I can't break AOL Policy.

Zabu451: PEOPLE ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!??

NewfPyr: No! To your server. You know, where you're calling AOL from.

Zabu451: im calling from my house

NewfPyr: But you said you were calling from the server!

Zabu451: i lied im not reely a server guy

NewfPyr: But you said you were!

Zabu451: i lied i trying to get passwords please make them stop

NewfPyr: Okay. The repair team isn't coming anymore.

Zabu451: good

NewfPyr: But a team of FBI agents is.

Zabu451: NONONONO

Zabu451: im sorry

Zabu451: ill never do it again please make them not come

Zabu451: PLEASE IL STOP ASKING FOR PASSWORDS FOREVER PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!

NewfPyr: I'm sorry, I can't do that. They should be at your house in 5 minutes.

Zabu451: IM SORRY IL DO ANYTHING PLEASE I DONT WANT THEM TO HURT ME

Zabu451: PLEASE

Zabu451: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSE

NewfPyr: They won't hurt you! You'll probably only spend a year of prison.

Zabu451: NO IM ONLY A KID

NewfPyr: You are? That makes it different. You wont go to prison for a year.

Zabu451: i thout so

NewfPyr: You'll go for two years.

Zabu451: NO! IM SORRY

Zabu451: PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP

Zabu451: PLEASE

[I thought this was enough. He was probably wetting his pants.]

NewfPyr: Since this was a first time offense, I think I can drop charges.

Zabu451: yea

Zabu451: thankyouthankyouthankyou

NewfPyr: The FBI agents have been withdrawn. If you ever do it again, we'll bump you off.

Zabu451: i wont im sorry goodbye

[He promptly signed off.]