1. Use a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

3. End the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

4. Tell the order taker another pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

5. Giving them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

6. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

7. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

8. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

9. Move the phone farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the phone back into place and scream good-bye at the top of your lungs.

10. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

11. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

12. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

13. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

14. Try to talk while drinking something.

15. Press 1-2-3 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

16. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." and hang up.

17. Give your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

18. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

19. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

20. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

21. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

22. Order a one-inch pizza.

23. Have a movie with a loud car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

24. Ask to have the store manager pre-chew the mushrooms because their natural shape 'grosses you out.'

25. Can I get a better price without the box?

26. Can I get a better price if I send over some of my own cheese?

27. Suggest that there's a huge tip for the driver if he can deliver before you hang up in 3 seconds.

28. Ask for the "vegetarian special" with just meat.

29. Ask if the driver will be stealing your lawn mower, like he did last time.

30. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...

8. ... but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".

9. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Diabetics.

10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

11. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

12. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

13. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

14. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

15. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

16. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

17. Sprint up the down escalator.

18. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."

19. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

20. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

21. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

22. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

23. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

24. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

25. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

26. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

27. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

28. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

29. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

30. Play the tuba for change.

31. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod."

32. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

33. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".

34. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

35. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out with staring wide eyes as religious tracts.

36. Ask the information desk for a stroller and someone to push you around in it.

37. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

38. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"

39. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof."

40. "Play" the demo models of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

41. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

42. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

43. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

44. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

45. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

46. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

47. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

48. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

49. Go into a Musicland store and ask if they carry grass seed.

50. While in the "Softer Side of Sears" department, ask the lady behind the counter what that huge brown stain on the curtain is...