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© 1998

Xena: Closed Captioned for the Humor Impaired

  • 03-28-98

    Here's my commentary on Rosemar--oops I mean Gabrielle's Hope. Keep a look out for more commentaries on past episodes over the next week, hopefully. But they'll only be listed in the sidebar since they are not the episodes that aired this week.



    Quotes Worthy of Bardliness

    Luck Be a Banshee Tonight:
    "Well, this is your lucky day. My friend's not feeling well."
    --Xena (Gabrielle's Hope)

    Yo ho, yo ho. A pirate's life for me:
    "Look on the bright side, seasickness will be a romp after this."
    "That's right, we're going back on a ship."
    --Xena & Gabrielle (Gabrielle's Hope)

    Well, Club Med it ain't:
    "I 'll be glad to get off this island. Britannia didn't turn out to be my favorite place."
    --Gabrielle (Gabrielle's Hope)

    Hey, it's a bunch of ROC fans at a Xena Con!:
    "We want to serve you. Worship you."
    --The Banshees (Gabrielle's Hope)

    When the Banshees get weird, the tough get going:
    "Gabrielle! Now we run."
    --Xena (Gabrielle's Hope)

    Queen Xena and the Knights of the Round Table:
    "Nice blade."
    --Xena (Gabrielle's Hope)

    Miscellany:

    Let Me Guess, You Don't Want an Autograph
    Unlike the banshees, the natives don't seem to be great fans of Gabrielle. I guess no one told them how she & Xena helped Boadicea.

    News Travels Fast
    Does everyone know what happened to Gab? I mean how did that knight know that Gab was on the alter of Dahok & everything else that happened to her?

    Whoa, is this The Seventh Sign?
    If so, where's Demi Moore? That whole birthing scene for some reason reminded me of The Seventh Sign. Maybe it was the fact that in both birthing scenes, all hell broke loose.

    Denial's Not Just a River in Egypt
    Seems like Xena might have been in denial about what happened to Gabrielle. Not the whole Dahok thing, but that somehow Gabrielle's changed and may have some kind of evil in her. Especially since Gabrielle figured out the Banshees were worshipping something inside her and had to tell Xena. But Xena could have been trying to make her feel better about everything so her guilt wouldn't eat at her.

    Wardrobe!
    People seem to have time to put on their full outfits on Xena. Somebody get the wardrobe mistress!
    • When Gabrielle's bag catches fire (or was it her skirt?) she takes it off. But by golly, as we see her flying through the air with the not so greatest of ease & land in the water, there's her bag!
    • After they hear Gab scream, the Knights of the Pierced Heart, who happened to just be resting & having a charming conversation at the round table without their helmets on, rush off to find her. But, when they get there, we find out that they found time to put on their helmets. Guess they have to accessorize before battle.
    • When the Gabster can't deal with the whole post-partem depression & runs off with the demon spawn, she somehow felt she needed her bag once again.
    • A little off-episode, but this also happens in Warrior...Priestess...Tramp when Xena was in the cell wearing Leah outfit, but appeared moments later in the temple in her warrior garb. Must've had it under the other outfit.


    The Ties That Unbind
    Apparently, the strong connection of Xena & Gabrielle are beginning to unravel. Xena doesn't seem to know Gabrielle as much as one would think. If she did, she would realize that Gab wouldn't be able to kill her sweet, innocent, cute little baby (bwahahaha). But seriously, after travelling with Gab for 3 years, she should know that she can't even kill a thug, warlord, or other miscreant so it's obvious she's not going to kill a baby, let alone hers. It's like Xena doesn't even know her friend, but Gab knows Xena. She knows that "she's relentless." That's why she opts for ditching the kid so hopefully, (no pun intended) she can live. Of course this proves to be a mistake, but hey we're not the Psychic Friends Network, so we won't even mention anything.

    Holy Moses, it's Moses!
    Oh wait, it's just Hope being sent up the creek without a paddle. Wonder if that basket will take her to her destination before her next growth spurt. But they do have a lot of Biblical references on this show.

    TASTY DELICACIES OF A RAVENOUS BARD: Gabrielle's Guide to What to Eat When You Are Unexpectedly Impregnated With Demon Spawn
    Chicken Broth:
    Be sure it's nice & hot and served without a spoon so you can get the full effect of being really hungry and not care what you look like.
    Cherries:
    The nice deep red kind. YUM! And don't worry about pits; spitting them out is quite fashionable these days. (Hey Mulder does it with sunflower seeds)
    Beef Jerky:
    Plain, Pepperoni, or covered with red pepper, what does it matter?
    Pork Liver:
    Make sure it isn't overcooked. It has to be really bloody with melted cheese over the top. My motto: If it's too bloody, it's not bloody enough.
    Goat's Cream:
    Mmmmm, how apropos for the requisite evil goat that shows up later at the delivery of your demon spawn.
    Chicken Gizzards:
    Be sure to fry it in sheep's lard for the high cholesterol count.
    And Remember!
    Manners does not matter at this point, cuz you're pretty much screwed if you got demon spawn in you. So forget the napkin & just go with the "food on the face" look. Just be sure to locate all fire exits before you pig out so you can have plenty of time to enjoy your meal before you're rudely interrupted by not so friendly villagers.
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