"Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher"
Aired December 19th, 1997Mickey DolenzBill's Monologue
Debby Boone
Star Parker
Wallace Langham
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Thank you very much, folks.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, that's very nice.
Because this is our last live show here before we take our break.
It's the last show before Christmas.
And of course, it's always nice to report a Christmas story.
Today a disgruntled postal worker in Milwaukee shot up the post office.
Isn't that -- ?
[ Laughter ]
Isn't that awful?
But it is absolutely true.
A disgruntled postal worker, how many times have we heard that?
Three people were shot in the office, another 15 were hospitalized with deja vu.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Also, on the non-Christmas scary front, the chief U.N. inspector over in Iraq says that Saddam Hussein is cooperating less now --
[ Laughter ]
-- Than before the crisis we went through.
And the excuses are getting lame.
They went to one factory where they thought they were making chemical weapons today, and they had a sign out there that said, "Closed due to a beheading in the family."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
But there is Christmas activity going on.
The Clintons -- the Clintons had Washington, D.C., school children to the White House.
Doesn't that just make your heart sing?
[ Audience awws ]
Well, it sounds good, but you know, that's about the roughest school district in the country.
That's a rough neighborhood they're getting these kids out of.
And at one point, Hillary asked the kids about the spirit of Christmas.
And one kid said, "It's better to give than to score."
[ Laughter ]
You know, I --
[ Applause ]
But, what a thrill for kids to get to go to the White House.
One kid said it's the best ten grand he ever spent.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
And they did a poll -- they did a poll yesterday to find out what people thought of Santa Claus, political-wise.
Listen to this.
Most people said they thought Santa Claus was a Democrat.
And that they also thought the Grinch who stole Christmas was a Republican.
[ Laughter ]
And as usual, the elves related a lot to Ross Perot.
Okay, thanks for coming.
It's all been satirized for your protection.
Thank you, Merry Christmas.
[ Applause ]
Panel Discussion
Bill: Okay, let us meet our panel.
He plays Phil the writer on "Larry Sanders" and Josh on "Veronica's Closet" -- Wallace Langham! Yes, sir.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wally, good to see you here.
You know her and love her as the social policy consultant for the Coalition on Urban Renewal and Education -- Star Parker!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Star! How are you, baby?
Star: Fine, and you?
Bill: Good to see you, kitten.
Star: Oh, you, too.
Bill: Thank you.
[ Applause ]
He's an actor, singer and songwriter and one of the stars and directors of "Pacific Blue."
In "The Monkees" he played a character named Mickey Dolenz -- Mickey Dolenz!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, the Mick, how are you, buddy?
Mickey: Hello.
How are you?
Hello.
Bill: And finally, she is a multi-Grammy-winning singer, songwriter and actress.
Her new children's book is "Night-lights" -- Miss Debby Boone!
[ Cheers and applause ]
How are you, hon?
Good to see you here.
Thank you.
Okay.
Well, today is the day one of the most long-awaited movies ever opens, "Titanic."
And it has got me thinking about women, not just because it was late and cost more than expected -- No, I'm kidding.
[ Laughter ]
But I did see a preview of this movie.
And by the way, I think it's just a terrific movie, an old-time kind of movie.
But in the movie, you realize that there was a social contract going on in 1912 between men and women.
Women were treated with great condescension.
They were considered the weaker sex, they were absolutely not equal.
They also got into the lifeboat first.
[ Laughter ]
That's the deal.
That was the deal.
Okay?
Mickey: That was to make the ship lighter.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience reacts ]
Debby: Oh, no!
Mickey: That's what I was told.
Ballast.
Star: Oh, gosh.
The revisionist education, see?
That's later.
Bill: But the question I'm asking is now that we have revised this contract and women are equal and cannot be treated, and of course should not be treated, with condescension or considered the weaker sex, if a ship goes down, should they get in the lifeboat first?
Mickey: Absolutely.
Bill: Do you still think they should?
Star: Oh, absolutely.
[ Laughter ]
Wallace: Well, you want them to go first because they make great flotation devices.
[ Mixed reaction ]
Star: Oh, see, now.
You know --
Bill: And this is our Christmas show.
[ Laughter ]
Star: That's one of the flaws of the radical feminist movement,because the men have bought into that, hook, line and sinker.
They don't open doors.
They won't pay your check.
They are going to let you die of flooding and going under in a ship because they want in first.
This me-first attitude that has gone through our society has not helped us.
Bill: Who started that, young lady?
Do you think we wanted to change the social contract?
No.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Star: I know.
But that's why I'm saying -- the feminists did, and they've done a disservice to women,because when you look at it, the survival of the fittest has not worked for our society.
And if men start believing that women are totally equal in every aspect, you are going to have men jumping in that lifeboat first.
And you're going to have them jumping first --
Mickey: But you never will.
You never will have the men jump first.
Star: Well, I don't know if that's so true.
Bill: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You don't think it would be different today?
Star: Are you kidding?
Men are walking away from all their responsibilities these days.
They figure, hey, we've got no-fault divorces, we don't have to take care of our kids, we don't have to do anything anymore because you women can do it yourself.
Mickey: In a life-or-death situation --
[ Applause ]
It's easy to talk about, but it's not something you can legislate or moralize about, because it's a biological function.
It has to do with kin selection, survival of the species.
And in a life-or-death situation, I promise you that males will always protect the female, whether they like it or not.
Star: But I don't know if that's so true.
[ Applause ]
Wait a minute.
I don't know.
Bill: I disagree.
Star: You know, we might say that and we might think that and we haven't really had a national emergency to test it, but when you start looking at our social environment -- I work in welfare policy, and I'll tell you, a lot of men are walking --
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, honey, we're talking about the "Titanic."
[ Laughter ]
[ All talking over each other ]
Hey, hey, hey! Just put it in park.
[ Laughter ]
But you're saying that this is biological that men would let the women go first?
I think this is social.
This is something they learned.
And in 1912, I mean, I have statistics here that back up what happened on the "Titanic."
I mean, really, they did let the women go.
There was a lot more men on the -- 80% of the men died, 30% of the women died on the "Titanic."
Okay?
They were conditioned to, hey, nobody questioned that.
The ship is going down, the women get on the boat first.
But that's because back --
Mickey: What I'm saying is that the driving force below and behind all that, the "C:\" The operating system, is the imperative to keep the DNA --
[ All talking over each other ]
No, because it's hypertropic, is the term that's used.
It's hypertropic.
Bill: The man that --
Mickey: Oh, no, I promise you --
Star: A whole lot of liberals are going to get mad at you because what you're saying is it's instinct for a man just to say --
Bill: Right.
That's not instinct, Mickey.
That's something you have to learn.
Every human's instinct is to save your own ass.
There is no biological instinct.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Mickey: That's not true.
A mother will not protect the child?
Wallace: But also, in 1912, women were second-class citizens.
So it goes against the grain that men would put them first in a life-or-death situation.
So you're right, it is a learned behavior.
Bill: It is a learned behavior.
Wallace: A learned behavior.
And, yes, biologically --
Star: And you keep pushing your point about the kids, you keep on the way we're going, sooner or later you're going to have parents saying, "Forget the kids, I'm out of here."
Mickey: That's saying that a mother will not defend or protect her children?
Star: I think that what happens --
Mickey: Is that inherited or learned?
Star: Well, it's --
Debby: I think it's a God-given instinct.
Mickey: Yes, yes.
Bill: But that's different.
A child is different than a partner.
Mickey: No, it's not the partner.
It's the DNA.
It's the selection for the DNA.
It's why we protect our loved ones, and they don't just have to be your children.
Star: Let's tell that to O.J.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Bill: I've got to take a break.
We'll come back.
[ Applause ]
Bill:, All right, since this is our last show of the year taped, I said live in the monologue.
We're not actually live, but I mean, this show goes on tonight.
After this, you'll have repeats until January 5th.
Wallace: No, no, no.
Mickey: That was not the deal.
Bill: But I thought, now, we used to give away, we have several times this year, our get-over-yourself award, for people that we thought had too-big egos.
But since this is Christmas, our last show, I want to list some people who I think should get a fruit basket.
I don't actually have a fruit basket, because this network is broke.
But if we could afford a fruit basket, we would send one.
And you can argue with me about some of these people, but these are my heroes for the year.
Number one, Ted Kaczynski's brother.
Mickey: Yeah.
Star: Yeah, he's a good hero.
[ Applause ]
Bill: You think so?
Mickey: Now there's a guy that turned in his own kin --
Bill: Turned in his own --
Mickey: For the better of the species, of the race.
Bill: Because he put right and wrong ahead of things that -- people put a lot of stuff ahead of right and wrong, including -- and nothing should be.
Not religion, not your country, not your friendship, not your family.
Do you agree?
Debby: I wish I had had that kind of courage and I could have turned my dad in before he showed up on the American Music Awards.
[ Laughter ]
But I didn't.
[ Applause ]
Bill: And you recorded "You Light Up My Lifeboat" on the"Titanic".
[ Laughter ]
Janet Reno has my vote for "Man of the Year," because she -- no, I mean --
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, I didn't mean that.
"Time" magazine --
Star: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, now.
That is a mixed message.
Okay, Ted's brother for turning in his brother.
Janet Reno, she didn't turn in the President.
I don't understand.
Bill: But why should she have turned in the President?
Star: Why should she?
I mean, you're talking about a criminal.
Bill: A criminal?
Star: A criminal.
Bill: What is criminal?
Star: Oh, now you want the laundry list?
Come on, Bill.
Let's at least look into some investigations, in particular --
Mickey: That's pretty bad.
Bill: Okay.
Star: All right, this is kind of mixed there.
You know, I don't know if she would turn in her brother.
Bill: Well, I also want to give a fruit basket to Bill Clinton, because no man with nuclear weapons has ever taken this much crap this gracefully.
[ Laughter and applause ]
No?
Mickey: I'll go with that.
Bill: Okay, there is a guy named Charles Feeny, I'll bet you nobody ever heard of him, he gave away $610 million.
He was proud to be dropped from "Forbes'" list because he had given away so much money.
Mickey: To who?
Star: Yeah, what did he give it for?
Wallace: You mean like to people who needed it?
Bill: He gave it to Ted Turner, which I think --
[ Laughter ]
Star: I was about to say, because if he gave it to somebody like that or did that same type of thing --
Mickey: He gave it to Ted Kaczynski.
Bill: Here's a rich guy who said, "You know what?
Instead of just acquiring more stuff, I'm going to give it away and just live a normal life."
I mean --
Mickey: What an idiot.
Wallace: I can't wait to be rich so I can do that.
Bill: Yeah, but rich people don't.I mean, how much has Bill Gates given away?
He's worth $40 billion.
He gave away $200 million to libraries to put in computers.
Star: But see, that's the problem with some people that have this liberal mind-sets.
He's given away his ideas to the point where he has created a mega- industry to where people have employment.
I mean, my goodness, how much more can you provide for a society?
He has provided an entire industry that now people have enough that they can give away.
They can go into and --
[ Laughter ]
What?!
It's true.
I mean, my goodness.
Bill: Shut up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Star: Never mind.
You keep your heroes to yourself.
Bill: He has $40 billion and he gave away $200 million to libraries to put in computers, which is self-serving to begin with.
Star: How about this as an answer -- that's what's wrong with excessive taxation --
Bill: Ted Turner gave away $1 billion.
Star: He did it like he gave at the office, that's the problem.
Yeah, but look what he gave it to, Ted Turner.
Bill: He gave it to the U.N.
Star: I know!
Bill: That's bad?
[ Laughter ]
Star: Yes, that's bad.
Bill: Well, who better deserves it?
The U.N., it's not a good cause?
Mickey: Ted Kaczynski's brother.
[ Laughter ]
Star: Give it to the federal government so that they'll reduce our taxes, okay?
Then you can give to the average guy, instead of the U.N., who has taken away our sovereignty and command.
Come on, when you team up with these commies and stuff?
What's the matter with you?
To make a buck, put it all together.
Never mind, I'm just going to do what you said, I'm going to shut up.
Let them talk.
[ Laughter ]
Mickey: I want you for emperor.
[ Laughter ]
Wallace: She already is.
Mickey: Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Star: Don't look at me that way.
Go ahead with your list.
Bill: Who are you hanging out with?
I want to know.
Mickey: I love you.
You're wonderful.
Sorry.
Bill: Okay.
We'll finish the list, but I have to take a commercial.
[ Applause ]
Bill: Welcome back to our Christmas show.
I'm giving away my fruit baskets.
I left off here.
Now, President Fujimori of Peru.
You probably like him, he's a bit of a fascist.
[ Laughter ]
Star: Ohh! Wow! That's not fair.
Bill: No, I understand he's no poster boy for democracy.
But do you remember when that embassy in Peru was taken over by terrorists?
And he waited until they were stupid enough to take a break, and then he kicked their soccer-playing asses to Kingdom-Come.
Mickey: Yeah, you're right.
[ Applause ]
Bill: Okay.
The Rolling Stones.
Wallace: Right on.
Bill: Yes, because they take all these age jokes.
Mickey, I'm sure you can relate to this.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, they say the same thing about The Monkees.
Mickey: I know.
Take the last train -- I'll be there.
I'll be there.
For one more time.
Bill: Now, you're a single man, right?
Mickey: Yes.
Bill: Okay.
To any single man over 40, whether you're a divorced dad or whatever, I think they give a lot of hope that --
Wallace: That you, too, can again be a stud at some point.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Chicks, they still throw their panties at them.
I'm sorry, they're my heroes.
Mickey: No, it's Depends, now.
They throw Depends.
[ Laughter ]
"Mick, oh, honey, baby!
Give it to me, big boy!"
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Well, do you know --
[ Applause ]
Do you know that they want to --
Mickey: Knocking back Ensure.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: They want to rate concerts, now, just the way they put advisories on albums and on movies, they want to rate the actual concerts themselves, because they say people like Marilyn Manson do things onstage.
Wallace: Tipper Gore after them.
Mickey: What would you do?
Wallace: She'd do arts and crafts with them.
Debby: Who doesn't know that, though?
I mean, why do you need a rating?
I know what you're going to get when you go to a Marilyn Manson concert.
I don't need somebody to tell me.
Bill: But the parents don't.
That's what they're saying.
Debby: Why don't they, though?
Why don't they, though?
Bill: Exactly.
Debby: That's the thing, is why aren't they listening to some of the things their kids are listening to?
[ Applause ]
Mickey: That's a good point.
Bill: Absolutely.
Mickey: But how would you rate it?
Star: I don't know, because maybe ratings aren't only for children or for parents of children.
I would like some things rated, you know?
Bill: A concert?
But a concert --
Star: Yeah, especially for somebody that you've never heard of.
If you are going somewhere and you say, "Well, maybe I should just go check this out."
And there are those of us in our society who like to guard what we hear --
Wallace: And that's usually the people over 18 going to do this.
I mean, this is purely for parents of children.
Star: I thought it was -- no, it's the industry attempting to police themselves.
And in this lack-of-discretion environment, perhaps they do need to police themselves, because otherwise you're going to have the government policing them, and I don't think we want to do that.
Wallace: But then you censor art, you censor information, and you can't do that.
Star: No, it's not a censorship of information.
Censorship is when government steps in and says, "Forget it.
We are not going to allow that out anymore."
But I think the fair warning -- I mean, for instance, Bill, I went to your, when you were down in San Juan, near my house, and I would have not let my 17-year-old go there.
And there was no rating, I wouldn't have known, because I would allow her to watch this.
Bill: What are you talking about, San Juan?
Star: Remember just recently you were in San Juan --
Bill: You're talking about my show?
Star: Yeah! Not the show, your comedy.
Bill: My stand-up.
Star: Yeah!That thing was a little risque.
See, I only knew you for a little while.
[ Laughter ]
Mickey: Did you say something dirty?
Bill: You're saying my stand-up show should have a rating?
Star: Well, it was a lot different from "Politically Incorrect," okay?
If I had known that you do more than this --
Bill: Oh, parts of it are just plain dirty, but I mean --
[ Laughter ]
You're saying my show was unfit for your -- you have a 17-year-old.
Star: No, it was unfit for me.
I had to go and buy a bar of soap and wash my ears out.
Debby: You know, I kind of --
Star: No offense, now.
It's just not what I'm accustomed to, Bill.
I knew you from "Politically Incorrect."
Little bit different.
Bill: There's one black person on the panel and I'm glad it's me.
[ Laughter ]
Girl, you have got to --
Star: No, Bill, now come on.
Don't you think that I have a right to know what I'm going to be hearing?
Bill: I can't believe you're saying that my stand-up show --
Star: No, Bill, no.
Bill: Is too dirty for your pristine ears.
Star: Yes! Wait, don't I have a right to guard what I hear, too?
And I do.
I like to know what I'm going to expose myself to.
And --
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Okay, we have to take a break.
We're going to find out what you are going to expose yourself to.
[ Applause ]
Announcer: Join us Monday when our guests will be Terry Jeffrey, Dick Wolf, Lea Thompson and Joan Rivers.
[ Applause ]
Bill: All right, we were talking about censorship in music.
There is a controversy apropos to this that happened just yesterday.
There is a record out called "Smack My Bitch Up."
By Prodigy.
I happen to have the record.
I like the group.
Okay.
Debby: You like the record?
Bill: I do.
I like Prodigy, yeah.
Debby: That particular record.
Mickey: I like AOL.
Bill: Now, yesterday, Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan, two of the great pioneers of the feminism movement -- I'd love to see what they would do on the "Titanic".
[ Laughter ]
Wallace: Kick the [ bleep ] out of every man to get to the lifeboat.
Bill: That's an opinion.
[ Laughter ]
But they protested this song.
Now, "Smack My Bitch Up," I agree, it's not exactly "Last Train to Clarksville" as a title.
Mickey: That was the original lyric of "Last Train to Clarksville."
The "Last Bitch to Clarksville."
Bill: But first of all, from what I understand, it doesn't really refer to anything having to do with, like, abusing a woman.
It's a phrase meaning, basically, intensity. Executive Producers
Scott Carter
Bill Maher
Nancy Geller
