"Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but...." -Dennis Miller
Like everybody, there are quite a few things in this world which just annoy the hell out of me. I try not to voice these opinions for various reasons. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, I appear bitter when I do, etc. Unfortunately, unless I voice my frustrations, they don't go away. The solution I've come up with, is this Rant & Roar section of my website. Every so often, I plan to vent my frustration, go on a rant and just plain roar about a certain topic that annoys me. I mean absolutely no offense to anyone in particular. This section is not an excuse for me to attack anyone. It's just me letting off some steam.
You can also check out my previous rants.
A few weeks ago, Fox aired a special all about people who think that the moon landing was faked. I really wanted to see this special, since I have a soft spot for stupid people. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to catch the special because I was on the other side of the world at the time. This got me thinking of another group who believes that the moon landing was faked.... our good friends the Flat Earthers. Now, normally I really can't stand religious fundamentalists, but Flat Earthers are different. I just can't seem to bring myself to dislike these guys. They remind me of that lovable dim-witted neighbour in old sitcoms. No one takes him seriously and you can't help laughing at his vain attempts to comprehend simple concepts and facts about the world.
I tried to do some research on Flat-Earthers and discovered that there was very little information available on them. Of course, by research, I mean spending 10 minutes doing a search on the net, but that's not the point. The point is that these people aren't easy to learn about. I did manage to find an interview with Charles K. Johnson (the president of the International Flat Earth Society) and an application form for joining them.
Johnson is an interesting character... and by interesting, I clearly mean stupid. Here are some exerts from the interview and my comments on them. (you can find the interview by clicking HERE)...
"Nobody knows anything about the true shape of the world," he contends. "The known, inhabited world is flat. Just as a guess, I'd say that the dome of heaven is about 4,000 miles away, and the stars are about as far as San Francisco is from Boston."
Now, I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure we're managed to go farther than 4,000 miles away. And why is heaven dome shaped? Does that mean you always have to walk on a slant when you're in heaven? That would get annoying. And don't you think his "4,000 miles away" guess is really just completely off the top of his head? I mean, what's he basing that guess on? Sounds to me like he's just plucking a number out of the air. That would mean his followers are constantly being told made up stuff and they believe him because he's really good at pretending to know what the hell he's talking about. Hell, he could have said the dome of heaven was 3 inches away or 6.8974 Bajillion miles away and I bet they'd all believe him. The same goes for the distance from here to the stars. Since the Space Shuttle is clearly a very ludicrous joke, for all we know, those stars could be like a couple of feet away, and just be REALLY REALLY REALLY small.
"You can't orbit a flat earth," says Mr. Johnson. "The Space Shuttle is a joke--and a very ludicrous joke."
Uh... why can't you orbit a flat earth?
As shown in a map published by Johnson, the known world is as circular and as flat as a phonograph record. The North Pole is at the center. At the outer edge lies the southern ice, reputed to be a wall 150 feet high; no one has ever crossed it, and therefore what lies beyond is unknown.
How come no one has ever gone over the wall? I mean, planes go WAAAAY higher than 150 feet off the ground. Why hasn't anyone flown over the wall? Hell, mountains are larger than that and people climb mountains all the time! Of course, maybe planes and mountains are also part of that whole "space shuttle hoax" that I've been brainwashed into believing.
Not the Bible but Johnson's own common sense allowed him to see through the globe myth while he was still in grade school. He contends that sensible people all over the world, not just Bible believers, realize that the earth really is flat.
"Wherever you find people with a great reservoir of common sense," he says, "they don't believe idiotic things such as the earth spinning around the sun. Reasonable, intelligent people have always recognized that the earth is flat."
You know, it's not really COMMON sense if you don't share it with the majority of the planet. His argument sounds similar to one Homer Simpson made when he invented his own religion: "everyone is stupid except me." Now, while this argument might seem air tight to Mr. Johnson, I don't think it's really enough to convince the rest of us. Personally, I just think he's pissed off because his name can be interpreted as Mr. Penis.
Have you heard the story about Columbus's problems with his crew? As some tell it, the crew nearly mutinied because they regarded the earth as flat, and feared they might sail off its edge.
"It was exactly the reverse," explains Johnson. "There was a dispute out on the ship, but it was because Columbus was a flat-earther. The others believed the earth to be a ball, and they just knew that they were falling over the edge and couldn't get back. Columbus had to put them in irons and beat them until he convinced them they weren't going over any curve, and they could return. He finally calmed them down."
Wow, Columbus sounds like a real bastard.
Crewman: Sir, the crew and I have been talking
and some of us really can't help thinking that the earth might
possibly be round....
Columbus: Oh ya?! Well you know what *I* think? I think you're
gonna spend the rest of this trip CHAINED TO WALL WHILE I BEAT
YOU MERCILESSLY!!!
Now, I wanna take a quick look at one passage that really blew my mind from the application form for the International Flat Earth Society...
We maintain that what is called 'Science' today and 'scientists' consist of the same old gang of witch doctors, sorcerers, tellers of tales, the 'Priest-Entertainers' for the common people. 'Science' consists of a weird, way-out occult concoction of jibberish theory-theology...unrelated to the real world of facts, technology and inventions, tall buildings and fast cars, airplanes and other Real and Good things in life; technology is not in any way related to the web of idiotic scientific theory. ALL inventors have been anti-science. The Wright brothers said: "Science theory held us up for years. When we threw out all science, started from experiment and experience, then we invented the airplane." By the way, airplanes all fly level on this Plane earth.
Za?!! WTF??!! All inventors have been anti-science?!! So all technological advancements aren't made using physics or chemistry or electronics?! Then how exactly do they get made?! With Magic?!
Technology 1:1 - And God sayth "Let there be car with digital receiver and with electronic door locks" and then there was car with digital receiver and with electronic door locks. And God saw that the car with digital receiver and with electronic door locks was good....
There are so many great little nuggets of pure insanity in both the interview and the application form (you can see the application form by clicking HERE) that I can't go into all of them. I recommend reading them for a good laugh though.
These Flat Earthers really need to realize that they don't have a lot going for them. I mean, the shape of the planet CAN BE TESTED! I mean, these people can actually SAIL AROUND THE WORLD. They can take a plane that FLY AROUND THE WORLD. They can try to prove their theory themselves if they only go out and actually attempt to do so!
Also, there are some very basic things here which the Flat Earthers need to deal with.... like solar and lunar eclipses... like how ships fall off the horizon (without falling off the planet).... like how time zones exist, etc, etc. I mean, these guys really need to get with the rest of society! The earth is round. He have pictures of it. We've been to the moon. We have satellites in orbit. How exactly do these people think satellite dishes work?!
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