Eric's Weird World of Wackiness
Eric's Weird World of Wackiness Welcome to my weird stuff section!
In this section, you'll be able to find
some weird stuff. Actually, most of the stuff are jokes or funny
stories I've gotten by e-mail or found on the net. They're pretty
funny, but now that I think about it, they aren't really weird. I
should re-name this section "humour" or something.
Maybe it's weird because
the section is called Weird Stuff, but there isn't anything weird
in it. Much like Alanis Morissette's song Ironic, which is ironic
precisely because there is nothing ironic in the song. Something
to think about....
University
is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two
thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours
are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in university:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in university for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in university, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets otther than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you've been in university for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into Class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.
Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
Here are some of my all time favorite e-mail jokes. You've probably heard some or most of these before, but they're still great!!!
A
hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the
best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about
$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red
light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old)
pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the young man.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Children's
Books That Didn't Make It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Things
You Learn From American Movies:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within
the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks,
which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba
diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German
or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go
off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their
total opposite
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.
Here are my favorite Darwin Awards. If you want to see more Darwin Awards, you can go to http://darwinawards.com.
The
Bumbershoot
1999 Darwin Awards Nominee
(18 April 1999, Germany) A sword swallower died in Bonn after he
put an umbrella
down his throat - and accidentally pushed the button that opened
it.
Hippo on
Dwarf Diet
1999 Darwin Awards Urban Legend
(15 July 1999, Bangkok) A circus dwarf met a
disastrous demise, when he was swallowed by a hippopotamus in a
freak accident in northern Thailand.
Od the Dwarf had just astounded the audience with a trapeze
performance, when he dismounted onto a trampoline at a bad angle.
He was launched sideways into the mouth of a yawning hippopotamus
waiting to appear in the next act. Hilda the Hippo gagged and
instinctively swallowed the small man while spectators continued
to applaud, not realizing their tragic mistake.
Horrified circus members rushed to save the dwarf, but were
unable to extract him from the traumatized beast. Veterinarians
defended Hilda by pointing out that she was a vegetarian, and had
never before digested a circus performer.
The trampoline is being subjected to forensic analysis.
The circus is now hiring.
Man
Glued to Rhino Buttocks
1999 Darwin Awards Urban Legend
A Vermont native found himself in a difficult position yesterday
while touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari Zoo with a group of
thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia. Ronald went to extremes to
demonstrate the power of Crazy Glue, one of America's many
marvels, to the Russians.
To prove the effectiveness of Crazy Glue, he rubbed several ounces of the adhesive onto the palms of his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.
The rhinoceros, a resident of the zoo for the thirteen years, was not initially startled, as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of being involuntarily stuck to Ronald, it began to panic and charge wildly about the petting area with Ronald as an unwitting passenger.
"Sally the Rhino hadn't been feeling well. She was constipated, and had just been given a laxative when the American played his juvenile prank, " said caretaker James Douglass.
During Sally's tirade, a shed wall was gored, two fences destroyed, and a number of small animals escaped. Three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. During the stampede and subsequent capture, Sally began to feel the effects of the laxative, showering Ronald repeatedly with over 30 gallons of rhinoceros diarrhea. A team of medics and zoo caretakers were needed to remove his hands from Sally's buttocks. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down while shielding our faces from the pelting rhino dung. I guess you could say that Ronald was in it up to his neck.
Once she was under control, three people with shovels were working to keep an air passage open for him. We were eventually able to tranquilize Sally and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for awhile."
Meanwhile, the amused Russians were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
Ronald did not die, nor was there any reproductive injury, so he can only qualify for a Darwin Award if you are persuaded by the fact that nobody would date a man who smelled of rhino dung.
In The Year 2000 is a bit from Late Night With Conan O'Brien. Here are some of my favorites
The
makers of Camel cigarettes will angrily
deny charges that they're targeting kids
with the new character in their advertising
campaign, Smokemon.
ABC's
spin-off of Who Wants to be a
Millionaire flops as they record low ratings
with Who Wants to be Ernest Borgnine's
Human Lollipop.
Tired of
being labeled as drunks by people
of other ethnic groups, Irish people will get
together, get drunk, and beat up other
ethnic groups.
Kevin
Costner will be forced to make a
sequel to For the Love of the Game, entitled
For the Love of God, Stop Making Movies
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