The Ballad of Cletus Ray & Bertha

This is what happens when 2 really sick and twisted individuals (me and my buddy Cassy) work together and have nothing better to do than email each other back and forth and create a fucked-up storyline worth of the Jerry Springer show.

So.... so you can truly understand this story.... this happened completely spontaneously.... Cassy sent me and email, I responded... rinse and repeat until nauseous. We gave each other names and the story just kept getting worse and worse...

The sentences that are marked "Bertha" are the emails Cassy sent me, and the sentences marked "Cletus Ray" are the emails I sent back in response... and so began....

One final warning.... this is some really sick shit... read at your own risk. things is parenthesis are authors' comments added later.... and again.... are you sure you wanna read this.... really fucked up shit lies ahead... don't say I didn't warn you.

Bertha: " I think I'm pregnant again and this time it's kittens!"

Cletus Ray: " UGH!!! Who have you been fooling around with?! We haven't done it in.......Our whole relationship. I feel so betrayed!"

Bertha: " But I love you.. it's all about you. You can't do this to me. I refuse to carry this child alone, like I did before. You can't doubt me every time this happens." (LMFAO)

Cletus Ray: " I'm sorry my love. I apparently have feelings of inadequacy, caused by my impotence and genital herpes." (Yeah you said it... Repeat with me everyone... Impotence and Genital Herpes?!)

Bertha: " I'm suing you... you gutless, self-centered, egotistical, nonchalant, hypocritical, bigot!!!"

Cletus Ray: " Ugh! I feel so violated. I opened myself to you; told you my inner most secrets... my pedophilia, the dead rodent fetish, and now you're suing me?! I'm going to tell everyone the truth about you.... Your several sex change operations, boy then girl, then boy then girl again, and now look at you. You have no genitalia at all. And you smoke crack."

Bertha: " I cannot believe you would resort to bringing up the past. We exchanged vows and I'll be damned if you break them now. I accepted you and you have to accept me, and the other six people who live inside me. I cannot believe you. I have genitalia. You heard what the doctor said. It will take a little time before they re-emerge. They're just shy, that's all. Damn you and your bigotry!"

Cletus Ray: " Vows?! You want to talk about vows? What about your vow of celibacy, followed by you raping me; you former nun-Nazi Skinhead freak. I feel so violated. As far as my bigotry... those dead rodents don't count. And you knew about my foot fetish before we were quote/unquote married at 7-eleven."

Bertha: " HA!!! I beg to differ. Jose (Cuervo) has the same effect on you as it does on me. And the marriage was your idea... as well as me being on top. As a matter of fact, you can't rape the willing and you were more than willing after the hell you put me through. Damnit...this isn't up for discussion anymore. No you cannot have a divorce and stop looking like that. We swore on that Playboy - til death do us part and that's how this is going to end. And let me be Frank, your rodent fetish is freaking me out too. Oh and by the way, I can't find the Guinea Pig...is he wedged between your balls again??? I swear, sometimes, I dread the idea that you had him declawed for that purpose."

Cletus Ray: " Jose (Cuervo)??? You thought that was Jose? You silly fool. That was Fluffy, The Guinea pig's month old urine... didn't you notice that I had my own bottle to myself -- I had the real stuff. Don't you remember how you kept saying it had a distinctively bitter taste and I kept grinning and said "don't mind me, I’m just drunk?!" And as for the rape, it was obvious from your massive urine intake, that your view of the evening is slightly askew. Let me refresh your memory of our honeymoon from hell...

We arrived at your sister's, son's, best-friend's, room-mate's, great uncle's, third-cousin's, dog-groomer's, cousin's, mom's, nephew's, friend's, plastic surgeon's, nieces, gardener's, grandson's efficiency apartment in that little shitty neighborhood right on the border to Mexico, we had to put out the SEVENTEEN children that were sleeping around the armchair that was to be our bed - and then we had to put up those see-thru beaded curtains to attempt to get something that resembled privacy... and I don't believe my dead-rodent fetish bothered you at the time. I mean seeing that you did go out and buy the rodents for me and then smash them with that box of generic Macaroni and cheese. And I can't believe you don't remember how much I begged you to be gentle, since it was my first time with something that wasn't a dead rodent, but did you listen. Hell no -- you got out your chainsaw and... oh my God... I can't even think about it.. all I can say is that I'm still going through the healing process, and I still have that rash." (Yeah we took it there with the "sister's, son's, best-friend's, room-mate's, great uncle's, third-cousin's, dog-groomer's, cousin's, mom's, nephew's, friend's, plastic surgeon's, nieces, gardener's, grandson's" Out of line.)

Bertha: “ I have no recollection of that night. I remember drinking a José margarita, and talking to my twin sister Rhonda. I always did have a problem with the rodent fetish as I am such an avid animal lover. As a matter of fact, I think I should tell you about that night. I remember speaking to Rhonda and we went out to the barn because she wanted to show me her new stud RazorBeck. She said that she could make a killing off of stud fees alone and wanted me to break him in. So she left me out there all night. I would have sworn you met her prior to your romp in the sack. I don't remember you sitting up and drinking anything. Hell I didn't finish with the horse until dawn. As far as the chainsaw...I was so weak I could barely drag my cum-soaked body from the pile of hay I landed on sometime around 7A.M. I would have been gentle, as you, my dear RazorBeck are my one true love.”

Cletus Ray: “ How could you deceive me like this for these last three days? Rhonda?! Your twin sister?! I was wondering where that huge tattoo of Jesus Christ in drag on your left breast went... this explains so much...except about Biff. I know you're seeing him behind my back; and I know he is the one who got you pregnant. I just can't believe you would do this to me Bertha. And with my father?!“

Bertha: “ I beg to differ my dearest husband. I cannot believe you slept with Rhonda. I ..I feel so betrayed. No I haven't been seeing Biff, but now I just may start. You hurt me more than I ever imagined possible. I have never loved anymore so much and here you are sleeping with that tattooed slut. What the hell was I thinking marrying you FOUR...count them four days ago. And you were so charming. Damn you, Cletus Ray! There is nothing going on between your father and I. I love you and I'm sure there's nothing that can change that. By the way I went to the vet today.”

Cletus Ray: “ But snookums, I didn't know I was sleeping with Rhonda. Didn't you grasp that concept. I thought she was you. But Biff looks nothing like me - he's Chinese for goodness sake. I justs wants to put this all behind us...it's too hard on the kids. Like I said before, Piggy keeps mooing at me and bear just hasn't spoken in years...I have yet to figure that out since we only met two weeks ago...but I still think it's all your fault. (sobs pathetically)I just don't know how to move on.. tell me now... How do I live without you? How will I know? How will I breathe without you? If you ever go, how will I ever...ever survive, how would I live??? Like that sweet girl LuAnna used to say before she got all rich and whorish.“

Bertha: “ Baby...why don't you believe me when I say there's nothing between biff and I. I know it's hard on the kids...it's hard on me too. Piggy had stopped mooing about a week ago and bear is still quite silent. I love Bear as a step mom and all, but I don't think she trusts me. hell I can't ask her to trust me because I cannot trust any of my selves. Look at all the pain and drama I put you and the family through. I gave you reasons not to believe in me and us and I feel so terrible. I'm happy you want to give us another try. I'll try not to give you any more reasons to doubt or question me. Please believe when I say there is nothing, I mean nothing between Biff and I.” (is "my selves" even a fucking word?! Who cares!)

Cletus Ray: “ I hear what you're saying and I want to believe you. but then how could you be pregnant. The only time we had sex, was on our honeymoon and you already told me that it was Rhonda I was with--not you...So you are lying to me about one of those situations, either it was you I had sex with and this damn rash is your fault, or those kittens are not mine. Why won't you tell me the truth?!“

Bertha: " DID YOU HEAR ME WHEN I SAID I WENT TO THE VET?! Hell I came back with kittens. I really wanted it to be a surprise. Maybe Bear would start talking again. Pets help the elderly children all the time in the hospitals for the sick people, why can't it work for her? And maybe just maybe Pig will start making sense again."

Cletus Ray: " YOU ADOPTED?!!! I thought you said you were pregnant... why did you lie to me? why do you keep lying to me? You're trying to drive me insane aren't you? This is all a plot isn't it?" (Careful Cletus Ray... No more loaded questions huh son?!)

Bertha: " I did...I am. I guess I'm so bad at this whole telephone thingy where I screwed it up. I am such a failure. I didn't mean to lie to you. I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not and I adopted kittens. I'm not trying to drive you insane. I swear. It's not all a plot. I just can't seem to make sense of this whole situation. I'm so stupid. Why can't I ever get anything right? I think I need to stop dying my hair now. I think the peroxide is getting to me. But I do that for you also...you said you'd love me better if I was a blonde. I try to make you happy, but I keep screwing everything up. Please baby, give me another chance?"

Two years later...

Bertha: (looks at pickled, shrunken head in jar in kitchen window) "Well, Cletus Ray... remember when I said I was pregnant with kittens, well remember the hot stud I broke in the barn the night of our honeymoon, that you spent with my twin brother Rhonda? The calf looks just like him. And you know what... you're stuck with us all."

The End... We hope.

From the editor (Cassy):

I would sincerely hope this teaches everyone about how important it is, not to do the following:

smoke crack,

wedge dead woodland creatures behind or in certain orifices,

have sex with women named Rhonda with Jesus in Drag tattooed on her chest,

name your kids Cletus Ray and Bertha,

inbreed or read anything else we put out there

From the editor (Puppy)

I hadn't seen this for a couple of years until Cassy sent it to me today.... I was rolling on the floor when I read this again....