I just keep swinging back and forth and I can't control it no matter how hard I try. I can't even block this. Going numb was always so easy, but I can't cram all this shit into a box and lock it away... they don't make boxes big enough.
At one end, one evil extreme, I can blame you for everything. I can be the perfect innocent victim. My life was going so well, so stable. Everything made sense. Then you had to come along and fuck that up for me. I told you who I was, I told you what I wanted, and I gave you my heart, which you found amusing. But it was more fun for you to toy with me. You touched me and caressed me and made me feel alive. I lowered all my walls to let you in and I felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. And then, as soon as I was completely exposed, you stabbed me right in the chest. And now I am borderline... standing on the edge of this cliff in disbelief, wondering how could someone be this cruel? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Why does everyone I fall in love with treat me like this? Love is evil. Love is pain. FUCK LOVE and FUCK YOU!
and then... swing....
At the oposite end, the other extreme. It's all my fault. I let myself go to fast. I saw you and I let myself get seduced by love. I fell in love with love and who you are didn't matter, I decided you were perfect for me without knowing anything about you. I took you and put you in my life to fill a void that I forgot I had. I fantasized you into who I wanted you to be and decided it was real, no matter what the reality was. I do this to myself over and over again. You are just this sharp stick that I keep poking myself with, and I am still doing it. I still want you, I still want to forget reality and escape into your arms. I still want to make love to you.
and then... swing...
Neither one of these extremes are true, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. The truth lies in balance, which I can't seem to find at the moment. The middle isn't just a few shorts for me. The middle is high above my head, and every time I start to climb up towards it, I slip and I fall back to one of the extremes again. and every time I fall, it's getting harder and harder to catch myself on the way down.
puppy
4/6/03
1:31 p.m.