Piece of Mind

For once I am at peace, but not. The storms have passed and all is calm. There is no pain, there is no joy. There is no anything. Swimming in this numbness. No excitement, dreary and dull.

My life seems empty. I don't understand. I seem to have what I want, or do I? Do I really know what I want? Can I admit to myself my true desires? Do I dare to open the door? What if I don't like what's inside if I let it out?

I don't know where to go? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to understand.

How can I be what I am, Every feeling, every emotion, every desire conflicts. I find myself returning to this numb shell where I lived for so long. Can I go back to lying to myself? Telling myself that I am happy, I'm not. I haven't been in a very long time. Not since I closed that door that was causing me so much pain. But, inbetween all the pain, I was happy...for those few moments, I felt myself truly love someone else, and that was the best feeling in the world. I am still in love with him, even though I hate to admit it. I know he's not in love with me, he doesn't have those kind of feelings anymore, or if he does, he won't admit it. That door is closed in his mind and in his heart. And I am happy for him, I wish everything for him. As long as he is happy, I am safe, safe from myself. My only protection.

Why do I torture myself this way? I know that I am a manic depressive, and I know that this fills some void in me, but I don't like feeling this way. Why do I want people to love me so badly that I am sitting here at 4:47 in the morning writing depressive "poetry" to comfort myself.

Why is this the only way that I can truly express myself? What do I want? What am I trying to say?

He knows I love him. But, does he know how deep my love is? Does he know the true reason why I am so shy around him. Does he know that I am so afraid of scaring him off if I tell him any of this. Does he understand? I know he loves me as a friend, and as his son, and as a mental lover. Does he know that I love him the same way ~ and then so much more? Does he know why I push him so hard? If he came to me, completely alone and vulnerable, would he know how hard I would have to fight myself. I don't want him to be afraid of me. I don't want him to be afraid to hug, touch me, to kiss me, and to cuddle with me, Like the puppy I am, I need his attention and his love. I don't want him to have a moments hesitation in giving it to me. So maybe I shouldn't tell him, Maybe I should burn this so he never sees it and bury these thoughts so deep in my mind that they will never be found.

I can't. I have to get all this off my chest, I hope he doesn't hate me. I hope he can accept me as I am. I hope that this won't taint his feelings for me.

My wish is this: If he ever reads this, he will be able to hug me, and tell me he loves me and always will, and I will always be his baby puppy. please.

Sealed with Tears of a Vampire.


puppy - 2/18/98