Reflections
I go into the restroom and turn on the light and as I shut the door I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror ~ My red irritated eyes, my tear-stained cheeks, my quivering lips.
I stare at myself for a minute, looking into my eyes, and I reach out to myself and my fingertips stop at the glass, and I realize that I am on the wrong side. I realize that I have to find a way to reach the other side of the mirror, where I can be useful. Where I can wrap my arms around that poor boy, where I can push his hair out of his face and wipe his tears away as they continue to fall. I could take him into my arms and comfort him the way he wishes someone could. I could lay him down with me and let him feel my strength, and I would rest his head on my chest and run my fingers through his hair as the rhythm of my heartbeat hypnotizes him to sleep. My other arm wrapped around him, keeping him safe. I would gently caress his face and let him know that I loved him, and tell him that I would always be there for him, that I felt his pain, and I would make him understand that there was no need to put up walls, and no need to act a certain way. In my arms he is allowed to be himself. If he needed to cry I would let him, If he needed to yell he could, he could scream at the top of his lungs, he could fall to pieces and I would still be here, I would still love him.
And I see that he is not perfect, I see his scars, I see his problems. I know everything that he is, a lonely vampire, a little boy, a powerful protector with all of nature by his side, an outcast, an angry spirit. I see all the rage bottled up inside, I see the lakes of tears yet to be cried, I see the pain of unreturned emotions, the shattered dreams, the crushed desires, the mountains of thing undone, and the whole world ahead that he is afraid of.
And I reach out to him again, and my fingertips are stopped at the glass. And I feel his eyes watching me, and I want to reach him so badly. So I lift my fists and push through the glass sending shattered fragments to the ground, and I look to the mirror but all I see is another wall. The old paint chipping slowly away like scars on an old man, and I look to the floor at the tiny slivers that remain of the world I was trying to reach. I now know that I have destroyed my friend on the other side of my reflection.
I collapse to the floor and weep for what I have done, ignoring the pain of the shards of glass cutting into my flesh and burning like white hot flame. and the tears pour from my eyelids.
It is then that I feel a hand on my shoulder and hands lifting me to my feet. My face rises to see the person who comes to mock my despair, and my eyes settle on not the fiend I expect but the lonely soul in the mirror, and I gasp for air in disbelief.
And he said to me "Do not cry for me, for I am free at last" and he brought his face close to mine and gently pressed his warm soft lips to mine and gave me the most powerful kiss I had ever imagined. He embraced me tight in his arms, and I felt a warm wholeness for the first time in my life. I felt the love I have so desperately searched for and the thunder crashed and the rain began to pour. And I held on to him and rested my head on his shoulder and cried. I cried as I never have before, tears of joy that cut like knives and I told him that I loved him, and I raised my head to look into his eyes to see if he felt the same.
And I was standing alone in the bathroom, my bare feet cut by broken glass, and I looked down to the floor and saw no shards, the mirror was whole and untouched, still hanging on the wall, but no reflection, only my shadow.
I turned off the light and walked down the hall, where I crawled into my bed, embraced my pillow tightly and let the rhythm of the rain gently guide me to a deep and well deserved sleep.
puppy.
1-22-99
5:06 a.m.