RATED PG
Ray drove his car through the outskirts of Chicago, listening to the oldies station on the radio. It was the only station he listened to anymore; he couldn’t stand the music that was popular today.
He smiled as “Save the Best for Last” started playing, lost in memories instantly. This was the first song he and Benny had danced to. He remembered it as clearly as if it had been just yesterday.
They had been doing dishes in Benny’s old place on Racine, listening to the radio, and the song had started to play.
Ray had turned to look at Benny to find Benny looking at him; and he had taken Benny into his arms. The two of them had started dancing; a little stiff and formal and unsure at first, but then easing into the rhythm of the song and each other; wrapping their arms around each other and moving together in perfect harmony to the music.
Ray turned off the road and drove through a gate, then pulled into a parking spot and cut the engine. Instead of getting out of the car, he sat in the driver’s seat, singing along softly to the song on the radio.
That first dance had been one of many firsts for him and Benny. Their first date, the first time they had made love, their first home together. Ray laughed as another memory came to him.
On the day he and Benny had moved into their first home, they had gotten into an argument on the front porch before even entering the house; debating on how exactly to carry out a certain tradition.
Finally Benny had carried Ray over the threshold, then they had gone right back outside and Ray had carried Benny over the threshold, thereby making the home official.
They had also given the house a “christening” by making love in every room. The bathroom had presented a particular challenge; but fortunately it had a large bathtub.
The song ended and Ray turned off the radio and picked up the bouquet of flowers next to him. Getting out of the car and locking it, he headed up the hill. Ray took a deep breath as he walked, inhaling the fresh spring air.
Spring had always been Benny’s favorite season. He liked watching the trees and flowers come to life again, seeing the new buds and blossoms. Benny liked the feeling of renewal, the sense of new beginnings and the hope that brought with it.
Ray paused at the top of the hill for a minute, resting. His leg bothered him all the time now, and tended to act up when he exerted it too much. And in the past few months his hip had started bothering him as well.
Finally, with a sigh and a grumble, Ray started down a row of graves, stopping about halfway down the row. Carefully, he knelt down in front of one of the tombstones.
He glanced at the engraving on the tombstone briefly, the words and numbers “Benton Fraser 1962-2045” Bringing the same sense of unreality and pain they always did.
“Hey Benny,” he said. He removed the flowers from the previous week from the cement vase next to the tombstone and put in the new bouquet. “I brought you Gerbera daisies this week, I thought you’d like them. They’re so nice and bright and colorful.”
He finished arranging the flowers and sat back on his heels. “I had a pretty good week this week. I went to the senior center again to play cards with the guys. That was fun, especially since I won most of the games.
“Oh, guess who was there for the dinner? Mrs. Larios. Remember I told you about her, how I thought she was flirting with me last time? Well, she was; and she was at it again this time, only stronger.
“Finally I told her I was a widower, but that only seemed to encourage her more for some reason. So then I told her that my husband had died just a year and a half ago, and that stopped her.”
Ray grinned. “What can I say, Benny; I’ve still got my je ne sais quoi.” The grin left his face and Ray was suddenly fighting back tears, which were all too close these days.
“God I miss you, Benny. You know how people say ’It will get better with time, it will get better.’ Those people are full of shit. And no, I’m not going to apologize for my language.
“I’ve gotten used to how it feels to be without you, but that’s not things getting better.
“I take lots of naps now, did you know that? I take a nap almost every day, like some stereotypical old guy. But that’s just because I can’t sleep at night anymore.
“Most nights I just lie awake in bed, thinking how I would give away everything I own if I could just have you there with me one more time. Just to hear you breathing next to me, to feel the warmth of your body, to wrap my arms around you and hold you and feel you in my arms again.”
Ray squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head back, then blew out a deep breath and opened his eyes, staring at the bright blue sky and fat, fluffy white clouds for a minute.
He looked back at the grave. “You know, that wasn’t very polite of you at all, Benny. For a man who always thought of others first, it sure wasn’t thoughtful of you to go off and leave me alone like this.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. And I can see you now, getting all hurt and huffy: ‘I certainly didn’t mean to die first, Ray. That was not in my control.’
“And I know you’re probably getting things ready for me. But I’m telling you, Benny, if I see one moose head when I get up there…”
A small grin crossed Ray’s face as he imagined Benny’s reaction to that comment.
He reached out and ran his fingers lightly over the name engraved in the granite. “At least I have my memories, Benny, you know? And I have so many great ones. That part is getting a little bit better, at least. The memories.
“For the longest time, up until just a few months ago, if someone even mentioned your name, I’d have such a stab of pain go through me, I thought a few times that I might die myself. I never got that lucky, though.
“But that doesn’t happen all the time anymore. I can think about you, about us, and it makes me smile. The memories make me happy.
“I heard our song on the way over here, did you arrange that? Do you remember our first dance? Of course you do, what am I saying? You always remembered everything.”
Ray smiled. “And I remember when you proposed to me. I knew where you were going about halfway through; and it was so hard not to interrupt you to say yes. I mean, it took you so long to get it out, Benny; with your stammering and stumbling.
“But it was a great proposal, it was beautiful. You were so nervous, it was adorable. I don’t know why you were nervous, though. You had to have known there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d say no.
“God, we were so young and strong and ready to take on the world then. I can barely remember what that felt like.”
Ray sighed and shut his eyes again. “But I can remember what you felt like, Benny. How you felt in my arms, what it felt like to dance with you, to make love with you.
“And even though I sometimes think I’m going to go insane from not being able to hold you anymore, it would be worse if I couldn’t remember it at all.”
Ray gave a small laugh. “Listen to me. I always used to accuse you of babbling, and now I’m the one doing it. Oh, quit laughing at me.”
He started gathering the old flowers from the ground. “I’d better go now, Benny; I’ve got to get home and start dinner. Frannie and her grandkids are coming over. She thinks she needs to keep visiting me to keep me cheered up and keep me from getting too lonely.
“And to tell you the truth, I do enjoy her visits. Don’t let her know that, though.”
Ray leaned forward and kissed the tombstone. “I’ll be back next week. I love you Benny; and hopefully I’ll see you again real soon.”
Ray stood up and slowly headed out of the cemetery.
THE END
Return to Home Page