RATED NC17
The alarm went off, and Ben reached over and turned it off with a soft grunt and squinted at the clock to make sure it was accurate. Was it 6:00 already?
Not that it was that early an hour; it was actually later than his usual wake up time, but the morning seemed to have come very quickly; and Benny didn't want to get out of bed. More specifically, he didn't want to leave Ray.
He needed to get up and ready though, he had to catch a flight to Vancouver; where he would be attending a conference on RCMP policies and procedures. He was not only attending, he would actually be teaching one of the classes.
As happy as he was at the thought of spending a week in Canada, he hated leaving Ray for those seven days.
Ben grinned at himself and shook his head. The way he was carrying on you'd think he and Ray were newlyweds, rather than an "old married couple" of nearly ten years.
He lay watching Ray sleep for a few minutes, then with a reluctant sigh, he gave Ray a gentle kiss on the forehead and slipped out of bed. As he left the bedroom he heard a soft whine and smiled down at Diefenbaker, who was lying curled up in the doorway.
As he had grown older, Dief had lost much of the robust energy of his youth, but it had been replaced by a kind of stately dignity that befit the elder statesmen of the pack.
"Good morning, Dief," Ben whispered, bending down to pet the wolf. He moved into the bathroom and turned on the shower, stepping under the warm spray of water.
He had just taken the lid off the shampoo when he heard the sound of the shower curtain being pulled back, and turned in surprise. "Ray!"
Ray pulled the curtain closed behind him and stepped up to Benny. "Trying to sneak out of town?" He asked.
"No, of course not!" Ben protested. "I just wanted to let you sleep for a little while longer."
"Uh-huh," Ray said skeptically. "I can sleep while you're gone, Benny." That was basically a lie, as Ray always had trouble sleeping when Benny wasn't there, but he didn't mention that to his lover.
He moved even closer and wrapped his arms around Benny. "I wanted to say a proper goodbye." He turned and pressed Benny against the wall of the shower, leaning against him, and gave Benny a kiss.
Benny responded eagerly, sliding his hands down Ray's back to his ass, pulling him closer. Ben widened his legs, and shifted his hands to Ray's hips, pulling them forward so their groins made contact.
Ray moaned softly and placed one hand against the wall on either side of Benny, then began thrusting against him.
Ben responded in kind, meeting each one of Ray's thrusts with one of his own. He broke the kiss and leaned his head against Ray's shoulder, gasping for air.
Benny and Ray came at almost the same moment, and Ben braced himself against the wall of the shower and wrapped his arms around Ray, who was lying limply against him.
After a couple of minutes had passed, Ray stirred and gave Benny a smile and a gentle kiss. "We'd better get washed," he said; and the two men quickly showered off in the rapidly cooling water.
Stepping out of the tub, Ray toweled off quickly, then gave Benny another kiss. "You get dressed, love, and I'll go start breakfast."
"All right," Ben nodded.
After drying himself and hanging up his and Ray's towels, Benny combed his hair and brushed his teeth, then went into the bedroom and donned his red dress uniform, being careful that everything was in place just so.
Benny entered the kitchen and stopped in surprise at what he saw. Sausage was browning in one pan on the stove, hash browns were cooking in another, and Ray was scrambling eggs. A plate of toast and a pitcher of orange juice sat on the table, and coffee was brewing in the coffee maker. "Ray, what is all this?"
"You need to eat a good breakfast, Benny. You probably won't have another decent meal until tonight at the banquet. That airline food is shit."
He loaded a plate with eggs, sausage and potatoes and handed it to Benny.
"Thank you," Ben said, giving Ray a kiss. Even after ten years, Benny wasn't completely used to the feeling of having someone in his life who worried about him and looked after him; but it was a situation that he liked very much.
Ray brought his own food and his and Benny's coffee to the table and sat down across from his partner. "Benny," he said for the umpteenth time, "I wish you would let me drive you to the airport."
"No Ray," Benny replied for the umpteenth time. "It would be different if you could come inside and wait at the gate with me. But with the new security regulations, you'd only be allowed to drop me off in front of the terminal.
"I don't want you to drive me all the way out to the airport just to drop me off, then have to fight the rush-hour traffic all the way back into the city. "
He saw Ray starting to protest, and cut him off. "It's too late, I've already ordered a taxi. Besides, I don't want to say good bye to you in a car in front of dozens of people at an airport terminal. I'd rather say goodbye to you here."
"I'd rather not say goodbye at all," Ray muttered.
"I know. But this seminar is an excellent opportunity for me. Besides," he added teasingly, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
"My heart is fond enough already."
"Oh, that's sweet, Ray."
Ray rolled his eyes. It was no fun bitching and whining if Benny wasn't going to play along.
"And I'll call you tonight," Benny said. "Although it may be rather late. I have to get checked in and registered, and after that is the welcome banquet."
Ray grinned, having a good idea of Benny's version of 'late.' "So, what? 9:00?"
"Actually, more like 8:00," Ben said, looking slightly embarrassed.
Ray laughed and stood up, taking his empty breakfast dishes to the sink. "Oh Benny, I'm going to miss you so much."
Benny walked over to Ray, wrapping his arms around him. "And I you."
Ray turned and Benny kissed him, a deep, passionate kiss. Ray closed his eyes and pulled Benny even closer, running his hands through Benny's hair.
The two men started at the sound of a horn outside, and Benny very reluctantly pulled away. "That's my cab," he said quietly.
"Yeah," Ray nodded.
Benny sighed and gave Ray another kiss. "Take care of Diefenbaker for me."
"I will," Ray nodded.
"And take care of yourself."
"Count on it."
Benny walked into the living room, followed by Ray; and picked up his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder. "I'll call you tonight."
"I'll be waiting," Ray said.
Benny pulled Ray into yet another kiss, and only pulled away when the horn sounded again. "I love you."
"I love you, Benny."
Ben walked to the door and pet Diefenbaker, who was looking at him sadly. "Take care of Ray for me."
Diefenbaker woofed, his tail beating against the floor.
Benny turned and smiled at Ray, then left the apartment, shutting the door behind him.
Ray stood in the middle of the living room for a few minutes, marveling at how quickly the apartment could feel so empty. Then he walked into the kitchen and poured himself another cup of coffee and sat down at the table.
Diefenbaker followed him into the kitchen and sat down next to him, placing his head in Ray's lap; and Ray started rubbing him on the head.
Dief gave a mournful little whine, and Ray looked down at him. "Yeah? How do you think I feel?"
That day was a very productive one for Ray. In an effort to distract himself, he had thrown himself into his paperwork with a vengeance; clearing so many files from his desk that it had made Lt. Welsh a bit nervous. The capper had been when he had actually volunteered to take the paperwork to the courthouse to be filed.
Ray grinned as he drove the Riv through the early afternoon traffic. He definitely had his Lieutenant off-balance, and he was sure he could use that to his advantage somehow. A Frank Sinatra song began playing over the radio, and Ray turned up the volume and started singing along.
Midway through the second verse, the song was suddenly interrupted by the D.J. "A special bulletin has just come over the news wires. Canada Air flight number 253, en route from Chicago's O'Hare international airport to Vancouver, Canada has crashed in the Rocky Mountains of Canada. The details are still very sketchy, but all reports indicate that there were no survivors."
Ray felt all the blood drain from his face. "Oh my God," he whispered, staring down at the radio. "Oh my God."
He heard the angry blare of a car horn from behind him, and realized that he was sitting at a complete stop at a green light. He drove through the intersection, then pulled over to the side of the road at the first empty parking space he found.
He sat in the front seat, shaking, his heart pounding. That hadn't been Benny's flight. It hadn't been. It couldn't have been. Canada Air had to have more than one flight from Chicago to Vancouver a day; and Benny had been on one of the other flights.
Ray racked his brain, trying to come up with Benny's flight number. He had known it at one point, he knew he had. Why couldn't he remember it now?
He pounded the steering wheel in frustration. "What the fuck is his flight number?" He yelled, not noticing the startled look he got from a passing pedestrian.
Taking a deep breath and running his badly shaking hands over his face, Ray put the car back into gear and drove home as fast as he dared.
After several failed attempts, Ray finally managed to get the key in the lock, and he unlocked the door and burst through it, slamming it closed behind him.
He hurried to the kitchen, ignoring the greetings of Diefenbaker, who was happy to see him home so early. Ray ran over to the refrigerator and pulled off the copy of Benny's itinerary, which was stuck up there with a maple leaf magnet.
Ray quickly scanned the document, looking for the important information. Name, address, Chicago to Vancouver, flight number... flight number... No.
Ray squeezed his eyes shut, then looked at the itinerary again. It still said the same thing. Flight number 253. "No," Ray moaned, not realizing that he was speaking out loud. "No. No. Oh, no. Oh, Benny."
He collapsed back against the refrigerator and slid slowly to the floor. Diefenbaker came over and nudged him, whining anxiously; and Ray buried his face in Dief's fur as a moan of pain escaped him.
Ray pulled into the driveway of his mother's home with almost no memory of having driven there. He turned off the engine and sat staring at the house. After a few minutes Dief gave a whine and nudged Ray, and Ray got out of the car and headed towards the front door, Diefenbaker right beside him.
Ray entered the house and walked into the living room, where he stopped in horror. Rosa had the TV on, turned to CNN, and they were showing coverage of the plane crash. Ray saw airplane parts scattered among broken and blackened trees; some parts still burning, others twisted into almost unrecognizable shapes.
He also noted the news crawl at the bottom of the screen, listing the number of passengers and crew, and the words "no survivors." He squeezed his eyes shut and turned away from the screen, knowing that was one more nightmare he was going to have to live with for the rest of his life.
He must have made some kind of sound, because Rosa turned to him. "Oh," she said in surprise. She looked back at the TV and hastily turned it off, then stood and hurried over to Ray. "Caro, the television is saying that a plane crashed on the way to Vancouver. But that wasn't Benton's flight, was it?"
Ray forced himself to meet his mother's eyes, and she gasped as she saw the look on his face. "Oh, no! No, Raimondo, it can't be true, it can't be!"
Ray tried to speak, but his chest felt so tight, and his throat felt so closed off, that it was hard even to breathe.
"Oh, Bambino," Rosa whispered, and pulled her son into her arms.
Ray wrapped his arms around her and clung to her as he started to sob.
The rest of the day passed like a nightmare from which Ray could not awaken. Shortly after he arrived at his mother's his cell phone started ringing, the caller ID showing calls placed from his precinct and the Canadian Consulate, as well as friends of his and Benny's.
Ray ignored the calls, knowing he wouldn't be able to handle talking to anyone. After the fifth or sixth call he had turned his phone off. Shortly after that his mother's phone started ringing, and Ray had let her answer all the calls.
He knew it was cowardly of him, that he should talk to some of the callers, but he couldn't face it. He couldn't even handle his own emotions and reaction to the situation, much less deal with anyone else's.
An hour or so after Ray got there, the rest of his family started showing up, having heard the news on the radio. When Frannie's car had pulled into the driveway he had gone and shut himself in his bedroom. He had been able to hear her muffled voice talking to Rosa, and Rosa's answering her; then he had heard Frannie scream, and the sound of her crying for a long time after that.
The scene had been repeated almost identically after Maria arrived, and when Tony and the children had gotten home, they had been shut up in Tony and Maria's room for a long time, having a family conference.
Ray had sat on the edge of his bed for hours, listening to it happen, too numb to be able to care enough to go to any of them and try to comfort them. After a while he had gone back downstairs to the living room, where he had run into Frannie.
She had been sitting on the couch, her eyes red and swollen, but other than that she had seemed calm. When Ray entered the room she had stood up and given him a long hug, whispering "Oh, Ray, I'm so sorry."
After that they sat on the couch side by side, holding hands. Frannie hadn't said very much more, probably knowing that anything she might say would only sound hollow, and would not be able to bring any comfort to her brother.
Diefenbaker stayed by Ray's side the entire time, not even leaving to go into the kitchen to check for treats as he would normally do. The wolf could tell something was wrong; he kept his head in Ray's lap and every once in a while would nudge him, whining and looking at him anxiously. Ray had no idea how he was going to let Dief know that Benny was never coming home again.
Ray sat on the sofa in a daze, feeling like he never had before in his life. He felt numb, yet at the same time he could feel a physical pain so intense it was almost unbearable. He felt emotionless, but he also felt as if he was going to burst into tears at any moment, and not be able to stop crying again.
He tried not to think about how Benny had. about what had happened to Benny, but he was unable to think of anything else. What must Benny have been feeling at the end? He must have been so scared. What had he been thinking? Had he thought of Ray?
'Oh, Benny, I'm sorry.' Ray bent over and buried his face in his hands. Why hadn't he gone with Benny? He should have taken the time off work and gone with him. He much rather would have died alongside Benny than be left behind in a world without Benny in it.
Time was passing with agonizing slowness. Ray would glance at the clock, certain that hours had gone by, and be surprised to find out that only minutes had passed.
If he was having this much trouble getting through one day without Benny, what was he supposed to do for the next forty years? Every day of the rest of his life loomed before him, empty and hollow and meaningless.
The phone rang again, and Ray squeezed his eyes shut. If he had to listen to his mother explain what had happened, and give and receive condolences many more times, he would probably go insane.
Rosa walked out to the hall to answer the phone. "Hello?" There was a very loud gasp. "Benton?" She cried. "Benton, is that really you?"
Ray looked up quickly, his heart pounding, barely feeling how tightly Frannie was suddenly squeezing his hand. It couldn't be, it had to be some mistake. He shouldn't be letting his hopes soar like this.
"Yes," he heard Rosa saying. "Yes, he's right here. Raimondo!"
Ray stood on very shaky legs and walked into the hall. His mother was smiling at him, her eyes filled with tears. "It's Benton, Caro. He's okay. He wasn't on the plane that crashed."
Ray slowly reached out and took the phone receiver from her. He was afraid to answer; afraid that the person on the other end of the phone wouldn't be Benny after all, that this was just another of his fervent imaginings. He brought the phone up to his ear. "Benny?" He whispered.
"Ray."
Ray gave a strangled sob and leaned against the wall for support. It was Benny's voice.
"I'm all right, Ray. I'm all right. I wasn't on the plane that crashed."
From the living room, Ray heard the voices of his family, talking excitedly and laughing and crying.
"Wh- why- how?" Ray stammered.
"My flight this morning was very full. It was overbooked, in fact; and they asked for volunteers to give up their seats to people who needed to catch the earlier flight, and they would put us on the next flight to Vancouver. So I volunteered.
"The next flight didn't leave for three hours, and then our flight was delayed in the air for another three hours. I didn't know why at the time, but-" Benny's voice broke and he cleared his throat. "I found out after we landed, and I got to a phone as soon as I could and called you.
"I should have called sooner, Ray, I'm sorry."
"Benny, you didn't know."
Benny continued as if Ray hadn't spoken. "I should have called from the airport this morning, or from the plane. But I didn't think it would make that big a difference in my plans, and I wasn't supposed to call you until tonight anyway. I'm so sorry."
"Benny, just come home." Ray's voice was shaking, and he was on the verge of tears, but he was powerless to control it. "Forget about the conference and just get on the next plane coming back to Chicago."
"Believe me Ray, I would love nothing more, but I can't."
"Benny."
"The conference has been cancelled, and they've asked all the attendees to help in the search and resc-" Ben's voice broke again, and it was a few seconds before he continued. "In the search and recovery operation. I feel like I have to help them, Ray."
"Yeah," Ray whispered. He knew how much Benny felt compelled to help others, and how that would be heightened in this situation. And as much as he wanted Benny home, safe with him; he wouldn't ask him again.
But he worried about Benny. It wasn't going to be an easy situation for any of the workers, and Ray worried about how Benny would react after his close call. But he knew nothing he said would dissuade Benny, and would only upset him.
"You have to help them then, Benny," he said softly. "Just- be careful, okay? And take care of yourself."
"I will," Benny promised.
"How long will you be?"
"I don't really know. They said it could be as little as a few days to as long as a week. It depends on the- it depends on what the situation is when we get there."
Ray squeezed his eyes closed and rubbed them. "Okay," he said quietly.
"I'm afraid I'll be out of contact almost the entire time, Ray. The accident occurred in an unpopulated area. We'll be setting up a base camp, but it won't have much in the way of modern amenities. There will be phone lines there, but they will need to be for official use only."
"That's all right, Benny," Ray lied. He hated the idea of not being in touch with Benny. He wanted to be able to hear Benny's voice at least once a day, if only on the other end of a phone line, to know he was okay, to have that reassurance for himself.
And he wanted to be there for Benny, to help him through what was sure to be a very rough situation. He knew how Benny tended to keep things bottled up inside, and while he wasn't expecting that Benny would unburden himself over the phone every night, he at least wanted to be able to talk to him, to be able to read between the lines of what Benny was and wasn't saying, and offer as much comfort and support as he could.
He heard a voice in the background, talking to Benny, and Benny answering. "Ray," he said regretfully, "I have to go now. We're leaving for the crash site."
"Now?" Ray said in surprise. "You don't even get a chance to rest first?"
"There's not time for that, Ray."
Somehow Ray managed to quietly say "All right Benny, you'd better go, then," when what he really wanted to do was to beg Benny to forget all about everything else and come home to him.
"I'll call you as soon as I'm able and let you know what's going on," Benny said.
"All right. I love you, Benny. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Ray. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"All right. Please remember to take care of yourself."
"I will, Ray."
"I love you."
"I love you."
Ray heard Benny hang up and reluctantly hung up himself and returned the phone to its base; and turned to see Rosa watching him carefully. He crossed over to her and for the second time that day, he was held in his mother's arms while he cried.
That week was one of the longest, strangest- and worst- of Ray's life. His mood swung between euphoria that Benny was alive and well to fear that it was somehow going to turn out to all be a dream, that Benny wasn't okay after all, to anger at the situation, and his forced separation from his lover, to depression; the latter at least brought on by exhaustion.
He never slept well when he was apart from Benny, and this time was even worse than usual. When he went to bed, he would toss and turn for hours before finally drifting off; and more often than not he would wake shaking and crying from nightmares that Benny wasn't okay.
He stayed up later and later each night, reading and watching old movies on TV, hoping to exhaust himself to the point where he wouldn't dream, but it didn't work.
His mother had asked him a couple of times to stay at her house until Benny got back, but Ray had declined her offers. He wanted to stay in his own apartment- his and Benny's.
It felt empty and weird with Benny gone, but Benny's things were there, and his memory. Each and every room of the apartment brought back special memories of Benny; and Ray wanted to be where he could feel his lover with him.
On the sixth night of Benny's absence, Ray was sitting in front of the TV, watching a basketball game, drifting in and out of a light sleep when the phone rang. He came fully awake with a gasp, his heart pounding, and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"
"Hello, Ray."
"Benny!" Ray exclaimed, his heartbeat increasing even more. "My God, it's good to hear your voice. Where are you? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Ray. I'm still at the accident site, I'm calling from the command center. And it's good to hear your voice, too. You have no idea."
"Is everything going okay?" Ray asked. "I mean- never mind, Benny, that was a stupid question."
"No it wasn't," Benny said. "We're almost done here. I'm calling to tell you that I'll be home the day after tomorrow."
"Benny, that's great!" Ray said, feeling something approaching actual happiness for the first time in nearly a week.
"I'm not sure what time, or what flight I'll be on, they're still working on flight arrangements for everyone. I'll call you again tomorrow night and let you know."
"Good, it will give us another chance to talk."
"That sounds perfect to me," Ben agreed.
Ray frowned as he noticed how flat and emotionless his lover's voice sounded. "Benny, are you all right? You sound absolutely exhausted."
"I'm fine Ray," Benny said, not very convincingly. "I'm just a little tired, that's all."
Ray sighed. "Benny, you need to look after yourself."
"I am, Ray," Ben insisted. "It's just that- I'm doing my best."
"All right," Ray said, letting him off the hook. He didn't want Benny to think that he was upset with him on top of everything else. "I just worry about you, you know that."
"I know, and thank you."
Ray smiled. "No problem."
"I have to go now, Ray, there's a long line of people waiting to use the phone."
Ray groaned in frustration and leaned his head against the back of the couch. "Benny, this sucks."
"Agreed."
"We've hardly had a chance to talk at all."
"I know, Ray. I wish we could talk longer, but-"
"We can't," Ray finished with him.
"I'm sorry, Ray."
"It's not your fault."
"I will call you again tomorrow night."
"I'm holding on to that thought, Benny."
"I love you, Ray."
"I love you, too. Please take care of yourself, Benny."
"I will."
"All right. I love you." Suddenly, Ray couldn't say those words to Benny enough. He planned on saying them to Benny every single day for the rest of his life.
"I love you, too."
Ray hung up the phone and grinned at Dief, who was looking up at him and wagging his tail. "He's coming home, boy. Benny's coming home."
Diefenbaker gave an excited little yip, and Ray laughed, then leaned back again with a sigh. He was worried about Benny. He had sounded completely worn out; and regardless of his claims otherwise, Ray doubted very highly that Benny was taking proper care of himself.
He knew how Benny tended to put duty first, how he always put others before himself. He had seen it time and again, whether Benny was working on a case of Ray's or trying to pull together some big event at the Consulate.
Knowing what Benny was like on a regular basis, Ray could only imagine how hard he was pushing himself now. And Ray wasn't there to make sure that Benny stopped to think about himself every once in a while, to eat a meal or get some sleep.
Ray sighed and laid down on the couch to watch the rest of the game and try to get some sleep. As he lay on the couch, he smiled. He wouldn't have to worry about Benny taking care of himself for much longer.
He would be home in a couple of days, and after that Ray would be able to keep on eye on him. Since he wasn't planning on letting Benny out of his sight any time in the near future, that shouldn't be too difficult at all.
The next evening, Ray sat in front of the TV, half watching the news and half waiting for the phone to ring. Ray smiled to himself. Benny should be calling any time now, and by this time tomorrow, he should be home.
Diefenbaker sat up suddenly, staring at the door, whining happily, his tail beating against the floor.
"What is it, boy?" Ray asked, then broke off as he heard a key in the front door.
Ray rose to his feet, his heart pounding, and suddenly the door opened and Benny stepped into the apartment. Diefenbaker burst into full out barking and ran over to Ben, jumping up on him and licking his face.
"It's all right boy," Ben murmured, "I'm home."
He looked over and saw Ray, and let his duffel bag fall to the floor. He mouthed the word "Ray" but no sound came out.
In a matter of seconds, he and Ray were across the apartment and in each other's arms.
Ray clung to Benny, his face buried against his shoulder, and he could feel Benny's face in his own shoulder. Ray gradually became aware that he was shaking, and he tried to control it, to little avail.
He then realized that Benny was shaking even more than he was; and he ran a hand gently up and down his lover's back. "It's okay, Benny," he whispered. "You're home now, you're home."
His voice broke, and he pulled Benny even tighter and started rocking him gently back and forth. After a few minutes, Benny pulled away to look at Ray, and there were tears on his cheeks.
"Oh Benny don't, it's okay." Ray reached up to wipe the tears away.
"Make love to me, Ray," Benny whispered. "Please, make love to me. I need you. I need you-"
His words were cut off by Ray's kiss, urgent and hungry and needy.
The two men stumbled into the bedroom, breaking the kiss only as long as was absolutely necessary to tear off their clothes. They fell onto the bed, Ray landing on top of Benny, and continued their grappling.
Ray was gasping and panting, and had a full erection already, but he wasn't able to stop or slow down. He pulled open the nightstand drawer and pulled out a condom and the lube and quickly prepared himself.
Benny tried to help him, but his hands were shaking too badly, so he just lay on the bed, breathing heavily, staring up at Ray.
Ray knelt above Benny and pulled Benny's legs around his waist, positioning himself above his lover.
As Ray entered him, Benny let out a loud sob. Ray closed his eyes and started rapidly thrusting into Benny, knowing that he wouldn't be able to last very long.
Benny was in no better shape than he was, and after what seemed like only seconds, Benny gave a sharp cry, and Ray felt the warmth of Ben's seed against his skin.
With a harsh gasp and a cry of his own, Ray came, then slowly collapsed to lie on top of Benny. When the world had slowed down again and gained some sense of sanity, Ray gently pulled out of his lover and moved to lie next to him.
Benny rolled over to lie against his chest, and Ray wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. For a long time the two men lay in silence, stroking and soothing each other.
Eventually, Ray felt strong enough to speak. "You're back early," he said; as if he was continuing a conversation.
Benny nodded against his shoulder. "They didn't need all of us to stay until tomorrow, and they offered me the chance to leave today. Needless to say, I jumped at it.
"I didn't have time to call you before I left; there was a flight leaving for Chicago in just over three hours; and I didn't want to chance missing it. I barely had time to throw my things in my duffel bag before I left for the airport.
"I know I could have called you from the air, but I knew that if you knew I was on my way, you would have insisted on coming to the airport to pick me up."
"Damn right I would have," Ray said.
Ben smiled slightly and shook his head. "I didn't think that would be prudent, Ray. I didn't know how I was going to react when I saw you.
"No, that's not true," he amended. "I had a pretty good idea I was going to react exactly the way I did, and I didn't want to do so in front of a large crowd.
"I also thought it would be best that we not drive all the way back here under those conditions. So I took a taxi."
"Probably a wise decision," Ray had to admit.
Benny smiled and snuggled closer, and Ray gave him a kiss on top of the head. Benny shifted to smile up at him, and Ray frowned as he got a good look at his lover.
The flush of color from their love-making had faded, leaving Benny very pale, and he had big circles under his eyes, so dark they were almost black.
"Benny," Ray asked, "did you get any sleep at all this week?"
"Of course I did, Ray."
"Yeah? How much, 5 or 6 hours a night?"
Benny's eyes dropped from Ray's.
"Benny?"
"About 3 or 4 hours a night," he said quietly.
"Three or four?! Benny, you-"
"It wasn't intentional, Ray. We were working very long shifts, and when I did get a chance to sleep, the conditions were less than ideal. It was very crowded in the sleeping quarters, and the cots were quite uncomfortable."
Ray couldn't hold back a grin at that. All these years in a real bed had made Benny soft. His grin quickly faded, though, as Benny continued speaking.
"And when I did fall asleep, I had nightmares," Ben said softly.
"Oh, baby," Ray whispered. He wrapped his arms more firmly around Benny. "You get some sleep right now, Benny. You're home now, and you're safe, okay? And I'm here, and those nightmares wouldn't dare come near you with me standing guard."
Benny smiled. "All right, Ray."
Benny relaxed against him, and in just a few minutes, he was sleeping. Ray lay there, holding his lover, reveling in the miracle of having Benny in his arms again.
Ben blinked his eyes slowly, coming slightly awake. He thought he had heard his name, but he must have been dreaming. Then he heard it again.
"Benny."
Ben smiled as he remembered. He was home, and that was actually Ray's voice he was hearing, and not just a dream. "Hmmmm," he sighed, still on the edge of sleep.
"Benny, dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes." Benny felt Ray's fingers trail lightly up and down his arm. "I thought you might want to take a shower first."
"Yes, I would. Thank you, Ray." He yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "What time is it?"
"A little after 8:00." Ray gave him a gentle kiss on the back of his neck.
Ben rolled over and looked up at him in surprise. "That late?"
"Yes Benny, that late. You needed to sleep. We'll just eat dinner a little late, that's all."
"All right." Benny sat up and gave Ray a quick kiss, then went into the bathroom. Ben turned on the shower and sighed as he stepped under the warm spray.
The shower facilities at the operation center had been crude, to say the least, and it felt good to be taking a real shower again. Benny closed his eyes as other memories from the week tried to intrude, and he turned the hot water all the way up and stood under the running water, turning in a slow circle.
He wanted to block out all memories of the past week, forget it had ever happened, and as silly as it sounded, it felt like he was steaming the sights and sounds and smells of the mountain out of his system.
He stood letting the water pour over him until it began to cool, then shampooed and washed, and turned off the shower and stepped out of the tub.
He dried himself off and dried and combed his hair, then hung up his towel. As he turned away from the tub, he was overcome with a sudden wave of dizziness and grabbed the sink, leaning against it for support.
After a moment, he sat on the edge of the toilet, resting his head against the sink as he waited for the dizzy spell to subside. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to take such a long, hot shower under these circumstances.
Apart from getting very little sleep the past week, he hadn't eaten that well, either. Most days had been spent working long shifts at the rescue site, and when he had time to eat, he had not been able to find much of an appetite. It didn't help that the food offered, mass-produced cafeteria style food, had done nothing to tempt his appetite.
After a few minutes Benny slowly stood and splashed cold water over his face and the back of his neck, then got dressed and headed for the kitchen.
As he crossed the living room, he smiled. He could smell lemon chicken cooking in the kitchen, which could only mean that wild rice and fresh broccoli were also being prepared. Leave it to Ray to fix one of his favorite meals for his first night home.
He entered the kitchen and Ray turned and smiled at him. "Hey Benny, it's almost ready, why don't you sit down?"
"All right."
Benny had taken two steps towards the table when the smell of the food seemed suddenly overwhelmingly strong to him; and he stopped and squeezed his eyes closed as a strong bout of nausea overcame him. Another wave of dizziness hit him, even worse than the one in the bathroom, and he felt himself start to fall.
Suddenly, a strong pair of arms was wrapped around him, and he leaned against Ray.
"Come on Benny," Ray said, "let's get you sitting down."
He allowed Ray to lead him over to a chair and push him gently into it, and sat with his eyes closed, trying to will the dizziness and nausea away. After a few minutes he was feeling better, and he opened his eyes to see a very worried-looking Ray staring back at him.
"I'm all right," Benny answered the unasked question. "I just had a dizzy spell."
"Yeah, I could tell," Ray said, searching his face carefully.
"Could I have a glass of water, please?"
"Yes, of course." Ray jumped to his feet and hurried over to the refrigerator, where he poured Benny a glass of water from the pitcher and brought it over to him.
"Thank you." Benny drank all the water, and placed the empty glass on the table.
Ray ran a hand through Benny's hair. "Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yes, Ray."
"Can you eat some dinner?"
At that moment, Benny's stomach let out a loud growl, and he and Ray laughed. "I guess that's a yes," Ray said.
He gave Ben a quick kiss on the cheek, then moved back to the stove to finish the final dinner preparations and brought the food to the table.
"Thank you, Ray, this smells delicious," Benny said. It was the truth. Now that the nausea had receded, his hunger had fully kicked in, and he was ravenous.
He loaded his plate and attacked the food with gusto. Ray watched him anxiously for a while, but as Benny continued eating, he relaxed and got to work on his own plate of food.
The meal was silent except for the sound of the two men eating and the occasional brief comment. After Benny had finished his first plate of food, he had another, somewhat smaller helping, and ate all of that, too.
Ray stood up to clear the dishes. "Had enough, Benny?" He asked.
"I believe I ate enough to satisfy even you," Benny replied.
"That you did," Ray admitted. "I'm pretty impressed."
He put the plates in the sink and walked back over to the table for another load. He saw Benny stand up and pick up their glasses, and he took the glasses out of Benny's hands and pushed him back into his chair.
"Ray."
"I'm cleaning up, Benny. You're resting."
"Ray." Benny tried again, but Ray was having none of it.
"No, Benny. You are going to sit there and take it easy. I don't want you fainting again."
"I didn't faint," Benny muttered.
Ray walked back over and knelt down in front of him. "Benny, I saw all the color drain out of your face. And if I hadn't caught you, you would have hit the floor."
Benny looked away, but Ray took his face in his hand and gently turned Benny back to face him. "Benny, it's not a sign of weakness on your part, okay? But you just had one hell of a hard week, and your body is giving you some pretty strong signals that it's time to slow down and take care of yourself for a while."
Ben sighed and nodded. "Okay," he said quietly.
Ray smiled at him. "Okay," he said. He gave Benny a kiss. "As a matter of fact, I think you should go back to bed now. You look like you could fall asleep right here at the table."
Benny couldn't argue with that statement. Now that his stomach was full, he was feeling almost overwhelmingly tired, and it seemed like a long walk all the way back to the bedroom. "Okay," he said again.
Ray stood up and pulled Benny to his feet as well. "Come on, love," he said. He slipped an arm around Benny's waist and headed for the bedroom.
"You don't have to help me walk, Ray. I promise I'm not going to faint."
"I know that, Benny. I just want to hold you as much as possible."
"Oh," Benny smiled. "That's okay, then."
As they came to the bathroom, Benny veered inside. "I have to brush my teeth."
Ray grinned. That was typical Benny behavior, all right. Maybe he was feeling okay after all.
Ray went into the bedroom and fussed with the sheets, rearranging them and turning down the bed. As he was finishing up, Benny came into the room and slipped off his sweat pants and got into bed in his t-shirt and boxers. He left his sweatpants lying on the floor and Ray raised an eyebrow. That was *not* typical Benny behavior.
Benny lay back against the pillows with a long sigh, and Ray smiled at him as he covered him with the sheet and blanket. "You comfortable, Benny?"
"Yes, Ray."
"Okay, you need anything else?"
Ben shook his head, and reached a hand out from under the covers to take one of Ray's hands. "No, I have everything I need."
Ray squeezed Benny's hand and leaned down to give him a kiss. "Oh, Benny, it is so good to have you home."
"It's good to be home, Ray. It's-" he broke off as a huge yawn overtook him.
Ray smiled down at him. "Good night, Benny. I love you."
"I love you, Ray." Benny closed his eyes; and in what seemed like only seconds, he was fast asleep.
Ray sat on the side of the bed for a long time, holding Benny's hand and watching him sleep; but finally he got up and went into the kitchen to wash the dishes, his emotions a jumble.
He knew that he should call his family and let them know that Benny was home, but he didn't feel up to it. He was feeling emotionally spent, and he knew that their reaction would be very emotional. He just didn't think he had the strength to deal with that right now. He also knew that they would want to talk to Benny, maybe even want to come over to the apartment.
He didn't feel up to that tonight, and Benny certainly wasn't in any shape for it. He would call his family in the morning. Ray firmly pushed his guilt aside; as much as he could. It's not as if his family was waiting to hear if Benny was okay; they knew that he was safe, and they were expecting him home tomorrow anyway. He would just call them in the morning and let them know that Benny was home. They would understand.
And quite selfishly, Ray didn't feel like sharing Benny just yet. He had just got him back, and he wanted time alone with him, just the two of them, before his family and the rest of the world descended upon them.
Ray hung the towel over the edge of the sink, then moved into the living room and double-checked that the door was locked and turned off the lights. As he walked back through the living room, he heard a loud cry from the bedroom; and he broke into a run.
He flipped on the light as he entered the bedroom and saw that Benny was sitting up in the bed, breathing heavily. Ray hurried over and sat down next to him. "Benny?"
Benny didn't answer him or look at him, and Ray gently took him into his arms. Ray could feel Benny's heart pounding, and the tension in his body. "Benny, it's okay. It was a nightmare, just a dream. It's over now, you're home, you're safe."
Benny slowly wrapped his arms around Ray's waist, and Ray ran a hand up and down Benny's back. "Do you want to tell me about the dream?"
"No," Ben said without hesitating.
"Benny, I think it might help you to talk about it."
"No, Ray. Please." A giant shudder ran through Benny, and he began shaking.
"Okay, Benny, okay," Ray whispered. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
He sat and held Benny, stroking his back and murmuring words of comfort until Benny stopped shaking. After a few minutes, Benny pulled away. "Thank you," he said with a small smile.
Ray gave him a kiss, then stood up.
"Ray?" Benny reached out for him, a slight look of panic in his eyes.
"It's okay, Benny," Ray said, kicking off his shoes. He then quickly shed his clothes, turned out the light, and slipped into bed next to Benny.
Ben rolled over and Ray took him into his arms again and Benny settled against his chest. "You think you can get back to sleep now, baby?"
"Yes," Benny answered.
But it was a very long time before Benny relaxed enough to fall asleep, and even longer after that before Ray was able to fall asleep as well.
Ray woke up reached for Benny, but he wasn't in the bed next to him. He rolled over and looked at the clock, then leaned back into the pillows with a sigh. It was 8:30 in the morning, but he felt completely exhausted.
Ray had slept very little last night, and was feeling it now. He had finally fallen asleep around midnight, only to be awakened at about 2:30 by a nightmare.
In his dream, he was in the mountains at the crash site. He had decided to go there to help Benny, and to bring him home. As he was walking through the woods he had met a Mountie, who appeared to be in charge. He was older, with gray hair and a bunch of stars on the sleeve of his dress uniform. When Ray had told him he was looking for Benton Fraser, the Mountie had said "Oh yes, he's over this way."
He had started leading Ray down a path, saying "The bodies are all over here, in a temporary morgue."
Ray had argued with the man, telling him that he was mistaken, that Benny was alive, that he hadn't been on the plane that had crashed.
The Mountie had turned and looked at him in dismay. "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been some terrible mistake. Benton Fraser was killed in the plane crash. His body is right over here."
Ray had looked and seen rows and rows of bodies, lying on cots, each one covered by a sheet. "We'll need you to make a positive identification," the Mountie had said, starting down one of the rows.
Ray had followed after the man, arguing with him, trying to get him to listen, to believe that Benny was alive. But even as he did so, he had suddenly had the certain knowledge that Benny was indeed dead, that what the other man was telling him was the truth.
The Mountie stopped by a cot and started to lift up the sheet, and at that point Ray had awakened with a harsh gasp, sweating and shaking.
After that he had no desire to fall back asleep, and didn't feel like he would be able to relax enough to sleep anyway. Finally he had turned on the bedside lamp and laid in bed, propped up on one elbow, watching Benny sleep.
Occasionally he had touched Benny, running his fingers through Benny's hair, or stroking his arm, but for the most part he had just looked at him, trying to make the sight of his lover, alive and well in bed next to him, more real than the images that still lingered from his nightmare.
Finally, as dawn had begun to lighten the sky outside, Ray had turned off the lamp, laid back down and fallen asleep. With a sigh Ray threw back the covers and stumbled into the kitchen.
Benny was just starting to make a pot of coffee, and he turned to Ray with a smile. "Good morning, love."
"Morning," Ray mumbled.
Benny's smiled faded. "Ray, you look exhausted."
"Yeah, I didn't get very much sleep last night."
Benny frowned in concern, then turned back to the coffee maker. "I'll make the coffee extra-strong, then. What time do you have to be to work?"
"I don't have to be," Ray told him.
Benny looked at him in surprise, and Ray grinned. "When I told Welsh you'd be coming home today, he gave me the day off. I think he knew I'd be worse than useless."
"Ah," Benny smiled. "Well in that case, I'll forget about the coffee. Let's go back to bed."
Ray allowed Benny to take his hand and lead him back into the bedroom, and they got into bed. Benny pulled Ray into his arms, and Ray happily snuggled into him, his head resting on Benny's chest.
Benny wrapped his arms around Ray, running one hand up and down Ray's back, and Ray quickly fell asleep, lulled by the reassuring sound of Benny's heart beating under his ear.
When Ray woke up again, it was a little after noon. He felt much better than he had earlier, and he knew that a shower would help even more.
He went into the bathroom and took a long shower, then got dressed and went in search of Benny. He found his lover in the kitchen making lunch.
He gave Benny a kiss and gladly accepted the cup of coffee Benny offered him. "You need help with lunch, Benny?"
"No thank you. I may not have all your culinary skills, but I make an excellent tuna salad."
"That you do," Ray acknowledged with a grin.
He sat at the table and chatted with Benny until lunch was ready, then the two men ate in relaxed, companionable silence. The atmosphere in the apartment was feeling much more like normal, without the odd tension that had been there last night.
"What do you want to do today, Ray?" Benny asked.
"I don't know, maybe we should-" Ray broke off abruptly as a thought hit him. "Oh shit, I have to call my family and let them know you're home."
"I already did," Benny replied calmly.
"You did?"
"Yes, I called and talked with your mother while you were sleeping. We had a very nice conversation." Benny grinned suddenly. "And we're going there for dinner tonight."
Of course we are," Ray said, smiling fondly. There was no way Rosa would let one of her children come home after being away and not feed them to within an inch of their lives. "What time is the command performance?"
"She would like us to be there by 5:00."
Ray ignored the chastising tone in Benny's voice. "All right then, we'll be there."
Ben cleared his throat. "I also called and spoke with Inspector Thatcher."
"Yeah? When do you have to report back to work?"
"Not for another few days, at least."
Benny suddenly looked upset, and Ray frowned. "Benny?"
Ben sighed. "She wants me to go to see a psychologist first, to make sure I'm ready to return to duty. She insisted that it's nothing personal; that it's quite common in circumstances like these; after someone has been through a traumatic situation."
"I think it's a good idea, Benny," Ray said carefully.
Ben looked at him in surprise.
"You have been through a trauma, and you need to talk to someone about it. You don't seem able to talk to me about it, so maybe someone professional will be able to help you."
Benny looked stricken. "Ray, I'm sorry. I don't mean to shut you out, it's just."
"Oh, Benny, I didn't mean that against you and I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. It's just a fact. I don't know if you're trying to protect me, or if it's just too close, or you don't want to bring that situation and those memories into our home.
"But you can't keep it all bottled up inside. I know you think you always have to be strong and in control, but you need to talk to someone about it, get it out and deal with it. And I'm probably too close to you to be able to help you anyway. I think someone more detached and objective will be able to help you."
Benny seemed somewhat mollified, but still looked guilty. "I do love you, Ray."
"I know that, Benny. Do you think I would doubt that for one second?" He leaned over and gave Benny a long kiss, then pulled away and smiled at him. "Come on, love. Let's go take Dief for a walk in the park."
Ben and Ray spent most of the afternoon in the park. After walking the circuit of the park twice, they sat on a bench and talked, enjoying the beautiful day and each other's company. While they talked, Diefenbaker took a nap under the bench.
When they got home Benny went off to shower and change before going to Rosa's for dinner. When Ray heard the shower running, he picked up the phone and called his mother. "Hey Ma," he said when she answered.
"Raimondo! Is everything all right?"
"Yeah, everything's great. Benny and I are on our way over in just a little bit. I wanted to talk to you about tonight, though."
"Yes?"
"I just wanted to ask if you and the rest of the family could not make too big a deal out of things. I don't think Benny's up to have a big huge fuss made over him; and there's some stuff he really doesn't need to be reminded of. If we could just treat it like he's coming home from a regular trip, that'd be great."
"Of course, Ray. I'll let everyone else know, and we'll keep it low key. Or as low key as this family gets, anyway."
Ray laughed. "Thanks, Ma. I knew I could count on you. I'll see you in a while."
The family was true to Rosa's word, and while there were more excited greetings than usual for Ben, and a "Welcome Home, Benton" cake for dessert, that was the extent of things.
Benny seemed quite relaxed during dinner, sitting back quietly as he usually did, enjoying trying to follow and keep track of the various conversations flowing around him.
There did seem to be more food on the table than usual, each dish a favorite of Benny's, but he seemed to appreciate it, loading his plate with so much food that even Rosa was pleased.
After dinner everyone helped clear the table and wash the dishes, then they adjourned to the family room to watch a movie. Ray and Benny sat next to each other on the couch, Diefenbaker curled up at their feet.
About halfway through the movie, Benny nudged Ray. Ray looked at him and Benny nodded his head towards the kitchen. He got up and left the room, followed closely by Ray.
"What is it, Benny?" Ray asked once they were in the kitchen.
"Can we go home now, Ray?"
"Of course we can, Benny. Is something wrong?" Ray looked at him in concern.
"No." Benny shook his head and smiled at Ray, and Ray saw a glint in his eye that made him catch his breath.
"All right, then. Let's get out of here."
Between saying goodbye to the family and being loaded down with enough leftovers to feed the two of them for a week, it was nearly fifteen minutes before they were able to leave the house.
They got into the Riv and headed for home in silence. Even Diefenbaker was quiet, seeming to sense the electricity flowing between the two men.
When they got to their apartment, Ray took the food and headed for the kitchen. "I'll be right back, love," he promised.
He put the food into the refrigerator and turned around to see Benny standing right behind him.
"Hello, Ray," Benny said softly, then took Ray's face between his hands and kissed him.
Ray sighed with happiness and leaned against Benny, wrapping his arms around his waist. Benny's hands were still on his face, his thumbs lightly stroking Ray's cheeks.
Ray pulled away and took Benny's hand, leading him into the bedroom. Once there, he shoved Benny playfully onto the bed, and Benny reached up and pulled Ray down beside him and into another kiss.
This encounter was the polar opposite of the desperate, frantic grappling of the night before. Ray gently stroked Benny's face, and slid his tongue inside Benny's mouth, needing to explore every inch of his lover.
Benny pulled away and smiled at him. "My beautiful, beautiful, Ray. How could I have forgotten how beautiful you are in less than a week?"
Benny moved even closer and covered Ray's face with a series of light kisses. Ray laughed as Benny trailed a series of kisses down his nose, then half-moaned, half-sighed as Benny reclaimed his lips.
His arms were around Benny's waist again, and he could feel Benny's hands on his chest, unbuttoning his shirt. When the last button was undone, Benny pulled away and slid the shirt off Ray and tossed it to the floor.
Benny then started caressing Ray's chest through the t-shirt, and grinned when Ray's nipples poked at the fabric. He leaned over and started kissing and nipping Ray's right nipple, while teasing the left with his hand.
After a couple of minutes of this treatment, Ray let out a groan. "Benny, you're killing me here!"
Ben pulled away. "You're right, Ray. I'm being terribly unfair." He bent down again, and started kissing Ray's left nipple through the fabric of the t-shirt, while stroking and pinching the right one.
Ray let out a growl and pulled Benny's face away and kissed him, nearly assaulting Benny's mouth with his tongue. Benny returned the kiss, his hands fumbling with and tugging at Ray's t-shirt. When he had it free of the waist of Ray's pants, Benny pulled away and removed the shirt, throwing it carelessly to the floor.
He then leaned forward and paid lavish attention to Ray's bare chest, covering it with a series of kisses and nips and licks, one hand stroking lightly up and down Ray's ribs.
With a sound that sounded an awful lot like a whimper, Ray pulled Benny up and into another kiss.
Benny sighed and met Ray's tongue with his own, and reached down to unbutton his own shirt. He smiled against Ray's mouth as he felt his lover's hands there, the task nearly completed already.
Together, they got Benny's shirt the rest of the way off, then quickly pulled off his t-shirt and threw it on the floor. Ray laid Benny down on the bed, then laid on top of him, kissing him and stroking his hair and face.
Benny tried to unfasten Ray's belt, but couldn't as their bodies were pressed too closely together. He let out a frustrated moan, and Ray laughed, breaking the kiss.
"All right, baby." He undid his belt and tossed it aside, then kicked off his shoes. Benny was already unzipping Ray's pants, and Ray helped him pull them the rest of the way off and throw them across the room.
Benny reached for the waistband of Ray's underwear, but Ray grabbed his hands, stopping him. "Uh-uh," he said. He pulled off Benny's shoes and socks, placing a kiss on the bottom of each foot. He then removed Benny's jeans and added them to the small mountain of clothes that now littered the bedroom floor.
He stroked Benny's cock lightly through the fabric of the boxer shorts, and Benny let out a helpless little moan. "Oh yeah?" Ray smiled. He bent over and gave Benny's cock a kiss, and Benny jumped and moaned more loudly.
Ray smiled and lay down next to Benny, pulling him into another kiss. Benny broke the kiss, panting slightly, his eyes huge in his face.
"All right, baby, all right," Ray whispered. He gave Benny a gentle kiss on the forehead, then reached down and pulled off Benny's boxer shorts. Benny leaned back into the pillows with an extravagant sigh, and Ray laughed softly.
Next he pulled off his own underwear and leaned down for another kiss. Benny grabbed him and rolled them over so he was on top of Ray, and Ray closed his eyes and grabbed Benny's shoulders, kneading and caressing them.
Benny pulled away and yanked open the drawer of the nightstand, pulling out a condom and the lube. He slipped the condom on, then smiled down at Ray, holding out the tube of lubrication. "Do you want to help me, Ray?"
"Yes," Ray said, slightly breathless. "Yes, I do."
He twisted the cap off the lube and squeezed a generous amount onto his fingers, then coated Benny's cock with the lubrication, tugging and pulling gently at Ben's cock as he did so.
"Ray," Benny finally gasped.
"What?" Ray smiled, quite pleased with himself.
"Please, Ray. I need to. I need."
"Okay, love." Ray drew his hand away, and lay back against the pillows.
"Thank you," Benny whispered. He bent down and placed a lingering series of kisses on the inside of Ray's thighs, then lifted Ray's legs and draped them over his shoulders. Finally, Ben entered his lover, and both men let out a soft cry.
Benny began a series of gentle thrusts, slowly increasing in speed and force, driven on by Ray's soft moans and cries and his own need. He was gasping and panting with each thrust, and was only dimly aware of Ray's hands on his hips, pulling him even closer.
With a sharp cry, Ray came; and Benny gasped at the feeling of his lover's hot seed hitting his body. He started thrusting even harder, then suddenly stilled. With a final cry he came, then collapsed forward to lie limply on top of his lover.
The two men lay quietly for a long time, a tangle of sweaty arms and legs, then Benny pulled out of his lover. He removed the condom and threw it in the garbage basket next the bed, then collapsed down next to Ray again.
Ray smiled at him, brushing his hand through Benny's sweat-soaked hair. "Wow," Ray said. "That was great, Benny."
"It was," Benny agreed.
Ray smiled and gave him a quick kiss. "Come on love, let's go get cleaned up."
They went into the bathroom and took a shower, soaping each other and then rinsing off, exchanging even more kisses as they did so. They turned off the shower and got out; and gave as much care and attention to drying one another as they had in washing one another.
Ray tossed the towels onto the floor, but Benny bent over and picked them up and hung them neatly on the towel rack.
Laughing quietly, Ray took Benny's hand and led him back into the bedroom. The men crawled into bed, and within ten minutes they were both sound asleep, wrapped in each other's arms.
Ben sat up, breathing heavily, his heart pounding. It was dark, and he didn't know where he was. He tried to take a deep breath, to gather his thoughts and calm his racing heart.
He blinked suddenly as a light came on, then felt a little bit of the fear ease out of him as he felt a pair of arms wrap around him as a loving voice whispered in his ear.
"It's okay, Benny. You were having another nightmare, baby, but it's over now. It was just a dream, Benny. I'm here, I've got you, you're okay."
Benny turned into the embrace, clinging to Ray and burying his face against his shoulder. Ray held him, murmuring words of comfort until Benny stopped shaking and his heart stopped pounding.
Ray pulled away a little, smiling at Benny and running a hand over his face. "You okay now?" He asked quietly.
Ben nodded.
"That was a bad one, wasn't it?"
"About the same as the others," Benny told him.
He saw a look of pain cross Ray's face, and Ray started to say something else, then stopped.
Benny felt a wave of guilt wash over him. It was obvious that Ray wanted to talk to Benny about it, but was stopping himself because he thought that was what Benny wanted.
Knowing Ray, what he was imagining was far worse than what Benny was actually going through. And if he was going to tell a complete stranger, albeit by force, what he had been through and how he was feeling about it, he should be able to tell the person he was closet to.
Benny drew a shaky breath. "The dreams are all basically the same," he said quietly. "I'm back at the crash site, working. Things are a little more intense then they were in reality, but it's pretty much the same."
Ray drew Benny back into his arms, and leaned them both back against the headboard.
"It was... horrible, Ray."
Ray tightened his arms around Benny and gave him a kiss on the top of the head.
"I knew it was going to be bad, and I tried to prepare myself for that, but it was even worse than I had been imagining. There were. the wreckage was scattered over such a wide area.
"And the bodies." Benny swallowed audibly. "It was surprising to me that people who had been in the same plane crash could be in such varying conditions.
"Some of the bodies were completely intact, it looked like no damage had been done to them. I remember seeing one man, still buckled into his seat, which had landed under a tree. It looked like he was merely taking a nap.
"But some of the other bodies." Benny shivered, and Ray pulled him even closer. "They were. mangled, or not all there, and there were body parts scattered among the wreckage and the bodies. I even saw a few limbs hanging from the trees."
He heard Ray draw a pained breath, and forced himself to continue speaking. "And there were suitcases and belongings everywhere, as well. That seemed to make it more real, more terrible.
"Seeing all those clothes and books and toys and laptops and other personal items, knowing they were never going to be used again. It was such a helpless feeling, Ray.
"I think that was the worst part of it- feeling so helpless. I'm a Police Officer. I'm trained to help people, I'm supposed to help them, that's my job. But there was nothing I could do for those people, absolutely nothing."
"You're right, Benny. There was nothing you could do for them. There is nothing anyone could have done. It was too late to help them as soon as the plane crashed. But you did help people, Benny. You helped a lot of people."
Benny looked at him in disbelief, and Ray gave him a small smile. "The families, Benny. You helped the families and friends, and all the loved ones of the victims.
"Thanks to you and your efforts, they at least have a body. They have a body, and they can have a funeral, and at least have some sense of closure, and try to move on with their lives.
"They won't be left always wondering what happened to their father or wife or sister; they won't have the pain of having to think about them up there on that mountain, all alone." Ray's voice broke, and it was a minute before he could continue.
"I think that was the worst for me Benny, when I thought you were- before I knew you were okay. I didn't know if they would find- I didn't know if I would get you back, and I couldn't-"
Ray's voice broke again, and Benny pulled his head onto his shoulder, rocking him gently.
After a few minutes, Ray spoke again. "Trust me Benny, when I tell you that you did help people. You helped them more than I think you can know."
"Thank you, Ray," Ben whispered, his voice trembling. "I needed to hear that."
It was silent for a few minutes as both men collected themselves.
"There was more to it for me, Ray," Benny finally said. "Besides feeling the sadness and the helplessness, when I looked at the bodies, I felt a chill come over me. I felt very thankful that I hadn't been on that plane, and I felt enormous guilt.
"That could have been me, Ray. It should have been me. I should have been on that plane. I *was* on the plane."
Ray pulled away and looked at him in surprise.
Benny nodded. "I was on the airplane, sitting in my seat with my seat belt fastened, reading the safety instruction card. Then the announcement came over the PA system, asking for volunteers to give up their seats.
"I met the woman who got my seat, you know."
"You did?" Ray asked, surprised.
Benny nodded. "Yes. She must have been a business woman trying to make a meeting or a convention of her own. She was wearing a business suit. She had blonde hair, pulled into a bun, and she had very pretty brown eyes.
"She came onto the plane as I was getting my duffel bag out of the overhead bin, and she thanked me for giving up my seat. She thanked me.
"I told her it was nothing, that she was welcome; and she sat down in the seat I had just vacated, and I got off the plane and went back into the terminal to wait for the later flight."
Ray's arms were tight around Benny, and he was shaking slightly. "You didn't kill her, Benny," he said.
Ben pulled away to stare at him, and Ray smiled and gently stroked his face. "What, you think I don't know how your mind works, the twisted ideas you get sometimes?
"There is no way you could have known what was going to happen, Benny. Nobody could have. You were just being the nice guy you always are, trying to do someone a favor. Typical Benton Fraser behavior, giving up your seat to a lady."
That earned Ray a tiny smile.
"Benny, if there was anything you could have done to stop what happened, or to help those people, you would have done it. You have nothing to feel guilty about there.
"And you also have no reason to feel guilty about getting off the plane, for still being alive.
"I feel horrible about the plane crash, Benny; and I wish it had never happened. But I am also happier than I've ever been about anything that you're still alive, and with me. And I'm going to thank God every day for the rest of my life that you got off that airplane."
Benny felt his throat tighten and the start of tears in his eyes, and then he was taken into Ray's arms and cradled against his chest. All the emotions that he had been fighting back and holding inside for so long broke free, and he could no longer hold back the tears.
He felt Ray's arms around him as he cried, felt himself being gently rocked, heard Ray's voice softly murmuring words of comfort. Eventually the tears stopped, and he sat leaning against Ray, his head on his shoulder.
After a few minutes, Ray pulled away and gave him a kiss and smile. "Feeling better now, Benny?"
Surprisingly, he was; and he nodded.
"Good. Do you think you can get back to sleep now?"
"I know I can," Benny said. He was feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, and he felt like he could sleep for a week.
"Good," Ray repeated. He reached over and turned off the light, and laid down, pulling Benny down to lie against his chest. "You sleep now, Benny," he whispered.
Ben wrapped his arms around Ray's waist. "I love you, Ray."
"I love you too, Benny."
In a matter of minutes, Ben was sound asleep, and for the first time in a week, he had no nightmares.
Two days later Benny had his appointment with the psychologist. Ray had insisted on leaving work early and going with Benny, even though Benny had insisted that it wasn't necessary.
Ray pulled the Riviera into the underground parking garage of the medical building, and the two men rode the elevator up to the tenth floor and found the office of Dr. Hurd.
Benny gave his name to the receptionist then sat down next to Ray to wait for his appointment. Ray could tell Benny was nervous, even though he was trying to hide it, and he was very glad that he had come with Benny.
After about 10 minutes, Benny was ushered into the doctor's office, and Ray picked up a magazine and tried to interest himself in it. He would read a paragraph, then glance up at the clock and the closed door to the doctor's office; then re-read the same paragraph again, not having remembered what he had just read.
Finally the door opened and Benny came out, carrying a sheet of paper. He smiled at Ray and held up one finger, then pointed at the reception's desk.
Benny went over and spoke to the receptionist for a couple minutes, then came over to Ray, carrying a business card along with the sheet of paper.
"You ready to go?" Asked Ray.
"Yes." They left the office and got into the elevator.
"How did it go, Benny?" Ray asked, once the elevator doors had closed.
"It went very well, actually. I've been cleared to return to work," Benny said, showing Ray the letter he carried.
"That's great, Benny!"
"Yes," Ben smiled proudly. "But Dr. Hurd wants me to return for a few more appointments. He thinks there are some things we still need to talk through, and I agree with him."
"Okay," Ray nodded.
Benny started to say something, but the elevator stopped and a woman got on with them. They rode in silence to the garage. They got into the Riv and Ray put the key in the ignition, but didn't start the car.
"It's all right, I'm fine really," Benny smiled when he saw Ray looking at him worriedly. "I just have some guilt issues I need to work through."
Ben was silent for a few minutes, staring out the window at the cement wall. "You know, Ray, I feel as though I owe a debt to the people that died in the crash.
"I owe it to them to live a good life, to be the best person I can, and live my life well. If they're ever looking down on me from Heaven, I wouldn't want them to feel that it was a waste that my life was spared, rather than theirs.
"And that includes not carrying a burden of guilt with me. I don't want to feel guilty, Ray. I want to enjoy my life, to feel happy. My life was spared that day. I have no idea why it was spared, but I do know that it wasn't so that I could spend the rest of my life moping and feeling gloomy."
Ray smiled at him. "Benny, I want you to feel happy, too. Just because you deserve to be happy. You shouldn't feel guilty, Benny. Like a very wise man once said 'It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive.'"
"What very wise man was that, Ray?"
"Bruce Springsteen."
"Ah," Ben said with a grin. "It wouldn't do to ignore the advice of The Boss, would it?"
Ray's eyes widened in surprise, and Benny laughed. "I have managed to learn about American popular culture in the time I've lived here, Ray."
Ray grinned at him. "You've learned the important stuff, anyway."
Benny took his hand and squeezed it. "I am very glad to be alive, Ray, if only because it means I get to spend more time with you. We haven't had nearly enough time together. We're owed at least 40 more years, and I fully intend to collect on them."
Ray squeezed Benny's hand in return, feeling his heart lighten as he did so. Things were going to be okay. They may not be 100% there yet, but they had definitely made a good start.
Ray knew that the plane crash was going to be with Benny- and with himself- for the rest of their lives, but he knew that in time, it would fade into the background, and not dominate every day and night.
He leaned forward and gave Benny a kiss, for once not caring if anyone saw them. "Benny, would you like to go home and make love?"
"Yes Ray, I would. Very much."
Still smiling, Ray started the car and pulled out of the garage, heading for home.
THE END
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