Rated PG
HIGHER LOVE
Ray was confused. He had no idea where he was, and absolutely no idea how he had gotten here. He was in a bright, empty corridor; with no signs or doors to indicate which way he was to go.
A little afraid now, Ray continued down the corridor, hoping it would lead him somewhere familiar. Suddenly, he could hear voices in the distance, faint yet somehow urgent. He hurried his pace and headed towards the voices.
Ray came to a door and walked through it without hesitation. He found himself in an emergency room. Doctors and nurses were clustered around a table, snapping out orders and numbers and inserting tubes and wires into a patient lying on a gurney. One of the nurses stepped away and hurried from the room, and Ray gasped out loud.
He was looking at himself lying on that gurney. Ray shook his head, completely confused now. What was going on? He took a couple of steps closer, and wished he hadn't.
A breathing tube had been placed down his throat, and monitoring devices were hooked up to him in several locations. Various IVs were feeding him blood and who knew what else, and a nurse was busy injecting something into one of his IV lines. But worst of all was the blood that was pouring from his chest.
Suddenly feeling sick, Ray turned and stumbled back out of the room. He was out in that corridor again, but it was no longer empty. He was in the bustling hall of a hospital, surrounded by activity. Ray walked blindly down the hall until he found a bench, then dropped into it and buried his face in his hands. What was going on here?
"Hello, Ray."
His head jerked up at the sound of the soft voice, and his eyes widened in disbelief. Irene Zuko was standing there smiling at him.
She was just as beautiful as he remembered her being. Even more so. She was dressed in a pure white blouse and a pair of blue jeans. Ray shook his head. Blue jeans? Where were the wings and the halo? Maybe he was just dreaming after all. But this sure didn't feel like a dream.
Irene was still smiling at him. "Aren't you going to say anything, Ray?"
There were so many things he wanted to say to her; so many things he wanted to ask her. But one question rose above all the others. "Am I dead?"
She laughed softly. God, he had forgotten how beautiful her laugh was. "No, Ray. You're not dead."
"Oh, good." Ray smiled at her, then rose from the bench and walked the few steps between them and took her hands. "It is so good to see you again, Irene. I've missed you."
He drew her into a warm hug, and was a little surprised that he could actually feel her and hold her. Irene hugged him back, then pulled away to smile at him. "I miss you too, Ray. But I have been keeping an eye on you."
"You have?" Uh-oh.
Irene laughed again, then sobered. "Yes, I have. And I'm very proud of you Ray. But that's not why I'm here. You have a very big decision to make."
"I do? What is it?"
Irene just smiled at him.
"Oh." Ray glanced back up the corridor. "I'm not dead," he repeated.
"No. But you have been very seriously injured. And now you have to decide if you stay where you are or come with me."
Ray let out a long, slow breath. This was unbelievable. Maybe he was dreaming after all.
"You're not dreaming," Irene said, sounding slightly amused.
Ray jumped. "You can read my mind?" he asked.
"Just the same as I always could." She grinned at him.
Ray shook his head and was still for a moment, lost in thought. "You said I could stay with you. You mean, I'd go to heaven?" He sounded surprised.
"Yes, Ray. Of course you would go to heaven. Did you think you wouldn't?"
Ray shrugged. "I don't know."
Irene shook her head and sighed.
"What's it like?"
"It's beautiful. Calm, peaceful. Imagine your happiest day on earth and magnify it by a thousand; and you'll begin to understand what it's like."
"Wow," Ray whispered. "Why wouldn't I want to go there?"
Irene just stared at him for a moment, then held out her hand. "Come on."
Ray automatically reached out for her hand, and smiled at the feel of it, soft and small and warm, in his own hand.
Irene led him down the corridor and into another garishly lit room. This was not another treatment room, however. There were hard plastic chairs in rows across the room, plastic tables covered with magazines, and a few plastic plants trying to make the room look more cozy. They failed miserably.
"The waiting room?" Ray asked. "Why are we here?"
Irene didn't answer, she just looked to the end of the room. Ray followed her gaze and felt his heart drop to his feet.
His family was sitting there. Rosa was sitting in a chair, clutching her Rosary beads; and Frannie and Maria were sitting on either side of her, each with a protective arm wrapped around their Mother. All three women had obviously been crying, but seemed calm now. Tony was sitting next to Maria, holding her hand and looking lost.
Rosa was fingering her beads and silently mouthing something, most likely a prayer.
Ray turned to look at Irene.
"They took you up to surgery about an hour ago," she said quietly.
"An hour?" Ray asked in disbelief. "How can that be? I've only been with you for a few minutes."
Irene shrugged slightly. "Time is different here, Ray."
"Here? Where exactly is here? I'm not in Heaven yet, am I?"
"No, Ray. You're... in between."
Ray sighed, then stepped forward to be nearer to his family. He saw that Maria was clutching something in her right hand, and Ray looked to see what it was. When he recognized what she was holding, he smiled softly. It was the crucifix he had given her for her Confirmation.
Ray's smile disappeared suddenly as something occurred to him. "Where's Benny?" he asked Irene.
She paused. "You don't remember what happened to you?"
Ray thought hard, but could only come up with vague images. Racing around a corner, the sound of a gunshot, pain. Incredible pain. And a voice, calling out his name frantically.
He shook his head. "No, I don't remember. Why, was Benny there?"
When Irene paused again, Ray became afraid. "Was he there?" He grabbed her arm. "Why isn't he here? Oh my God, is Benny okay?"
Irene nodded. "He's okay. He's upstairs in the chapel."
"I want to see him."
Irene nodded again. "Okay, come on."
Ray and Irene entered the chapel. It was a standard, non-denominational hospital chapel, with an altar and a few pews and a row of candles by the entrance. At the end of the row in the middle pew, Fraser was sitting straight up, back rigid, eyes ahead. As Ray stepped up next to him, he saw that Benny's hands were clenched tightly together in his lap.
Ray frowned and looked closer at his lover. His face was white, and his eyes were churning with emotion, although Ray doubted that anyone other than himself would be able to tell that.
Ray froze as he noticed something else. The front of Ben's shirt was covered in blood. Ray frowned and glanced up at Irene.
"Benny was there."
Irene nodded.
"He saw what happened."
She nodded again.
Ray closed his eyes as the memories came back to him in a rush. The impact of the bullet knocking him to the ground. Benny's anguished voice crying out his name. Being taken into those strong, solid arms and held against his lover's chest. Benny's voice again, crying and begging him to hang on. Begging him to live.
"Oh God," Ray whispered. "Benny..."
He looked up at Irene again, but froze as Benny started speaking.
"Dear God," Ben said, his voice shaking with tears. "Please let Ray live. Please. Please don't let him die. Don't take Ray away from me, I'm begging you. He's all I have left. He's all that I have." Leaning forward, Benny buried his face in his hands and started to sob.
"Oh my God," Ray whispered his own eyes filling with tears. "Benny, I'm here. I am right here next to you. I'm with you, Benny!"
He placed a hand on Ben's shaking back, but he could not feel his lover, and it was obvious to Ray that Benny could not feel or hear him either. "Benny," Ray said, watching helplessly as his lover continued crying.
Ray looked up at Irene. "Get me out of here," he said hoarsely. "Get me out of here right now."
Suddenly, he and Irene were on a bench in another corridor. Ray was shaking, and he leaned back against the wall. "Oh my God," he whispered. "I had no idea."
"You knew that Ben loves you," Irene said quietly.
"Of course I knew that," Ray said. "I guess I just didn't know that it went that deep. That he needs me that much."
"How much do you need him?" she asked simply.
Ray thought about the question. "Yeah." He sighed harshly, and the two sat quietly for a few minutes.
Ray looked at Irene more closely as a thought occurred to him. "You know about me and Benny?"
Irene looked amused. "Of course I knew. I told you I'd been keeping an eye on you."
"You don't mind?"
Irene grinned at him. "Ray, remember those few weeks when you were working up the nerve to tell Ben how you felt? You would waver back and forth, and you kept hearing this voice in your head, saying 'Just tell him, you big chicken! Do it!'"
"Yes, I remember. It was the most annoying thing I had ever-" He broke off abruptly to stare at Irene with wide eyes. "That was you?!"
She laughed. "Yes, Ray. That was me. You always did need a push when it came to making the big decisions."
"How could you..."
She smiled again. "Let's just say that I knew that it would turn out okay."
"You did?"
Irene nodded. "Yes. Like I said, I was watching you, and I could tell what was happening between you and Ben. So I decided to keep an eye on him, too. See if he was worthy of you. And I think he is. He's a good man, Ray."
"Yeah, he is," Ray smiled. "And I really do love him, Irene. I love him more than-" He broke off abruptly and looked away.
Irene smiled. "It's all right, Ray. I know you love him, and he loves you. And I'm glad. I didn't expect you to be a monk for the rest of your life."
"Yeah, but another man?"
Irene just shrugged and smiled. "We love who we love, Ray."
Ray looked at her, an expression of guilt on his face. "Irene, I..."
She took his hand and squeezed it firmly. "It's okay, Ray. I know that the fact that you're in love with Ben takes nothing away from the love you feel for me. Just as the fact that you still love me does nothing to lessen your love for Ben."
Ray smiled. "Yeah."
"And I think Ben understands that, too," Irene said quietly.
"I think he does," Ray agreed. "We talked about it once. I asked him if it bothered him that I still had feelings of love towards you. You know what he said?"
Irene shook her head.
"He said 'It would bother me if you didn't, Ray.'"
She smiled. "He is a good man, Ray. I have the feeling that we will get along very well. And that's a good thing, because when the two of you do get to where I am, the three of us will need to sit down and have a long, long, talk."
"What do you mean, Irene?"
"Love is different, here, Ray. There aren't the boundaries and limitations that people try to put on it on Earth."
Ray found himself feeling suddenly irritated. "Geez, Irene, what is this? 'Time is different here.' 'Love is different here.' Is everything different where you are?"
She was looking amused again. "Of course it is, Ray."
He jumped up. "What aren't you telling me, Irene? Come on, give me some information to work with, here. What will happen to me if I decide to stay on Earth?"
She shook her head. "I can't tell you that, Ray."
"Do you know?"
She shook her head again. "No, not really."
He sighed. "Am I still in surgery?"
"Yes."
"How long now?"
"About five hours."
He sat back down heavily. "I want to see my family again."
Ray and Irene walked back into the waiting room, and it was obvious that much time had passed. The table in front of where his family was sitting was littered with empty coffee cups and sandwich wrappers, and Frannie and Maria had both fallen asleep. Maria had her head resting on Tony's shoulder, and Frannie was lying on an incredibly uncomfortable looking couch.
Benny had joined the family, Ray noted with relief, and was sitting next to Rosa. They were holding hands and talking quietly. Ray also noticed that Benny was no longer wearing that bloodstained shirt, but had changed into a sweatshirt that had apparently been given to him by a hospital worker, as it bore the hospital's logo.
Ray stood watching them for a few minutes, then turned and left the room with a smile. He walked back down the hall to sit on the bench, and Irene came and sat down beside him.
"Ray?" she asked quietly.
Ray turned to her and smiled warmly. The longer he spent with Irene here in this in-between place, the less he wanted to leave. He felt completely happy here- safe, warm, free from harm and pain and sadness. And if this was what is was like here, what must it be like in the final destination, where none of those things could ever touch him again?
"They'll be just fine," he said.
"Excuse me?"
"My family. Benny. They'd be fine. They have each other, they would get through it if I chose- well, you know."
"Ray." Irene shook her head. "Do you really think they would get over you that easily?"
Ray shrugged.
"Trust me, they wouldn't."
"If I stay, though, I'm in for a lot of pain, aren't I?"
Irene hesitated. "Life is full of pain, Ray. But it is full of happiness and love and wonder, as well. Don't try to convince yourself it's not."
"But when you faced this choice, you chose Heaven."
Irene shook her head. "No, Ray. In my case, the choice was made for me. And in my case, it was the right thing. But you have to decide what's right for you. The two situations are completely different."
She stared at him for a long moment, then stood up and held out her hand. "Come on."
"What?" Ray asked.
She took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Come on."
They walked down the hall, and the corridor faded behind them, to be replaced by a different one. They were now on a patient floor, lined with rooms. "You made it through surgery, Ray," she smiled.
"So I gathered."
She stopped outside one of the patient rooms and looked in the window, and Ray followed her gaze. He was once again confronted with the very unpleasant image of himself lying on a hospital bed.
He was hooked up to a breathing tube and many monitoring devices, and at least three IVs were feeding him fluids. A large bandage covered his chest, and he was lying absolutely still.
Ray stepped into the room, not at all surprised that he hadn't had to use the door. He looked at Irene, who was still beside him. "I don't look so good."
He looked back at the bed and smiled. Benny was sitting in a chair next to the bed, holding his hand and talking softly to him. Ray couldn't make out the words, but he didn't need to. It was enough just to hear his lover's voice, deep, rich, beautiful, talking to him in soothing tones.
Ray took a few steps closer to the bed. He wished there was some way he could let Benny know he was all right. Everything was all right. If only he could just squeeze Benny's hand.
Suddenly Benny started and sat up straighter in the chair, staring down at his and Ray's hands. "Ray?" he asked, a note of desperate hope in his voice. "Can you hear me? Ray?"
Ray stared back at Benny, his heart picking up pace.
Benny looked intently at Ray for a minute, then slumped slightly in the chair. The look of hurt disappointment on his face tore at Ray's heart.
"No, I guess not," Benny whispered. "But that's all right, my love. You rest. You've certainly earned it. Get all the sleep you need; and I'll stay right here. I'll be here until you wake up; and after that, too." Benny leaned over the man lying in the bed and placed a gentle kiss on his temple.
Ray, standing next to the bed, jumped and gasped. He had felt that! When Benny had kissed him, he had felt it, and he knew it was not just his imagination. "Benny, I love you. Can you hear me?"
Benny gave no acknowledgement of having heard Ray, and Ray sighed heavily. He turned and left the room and walked slowly to the end of the hallway. How could he have forgotten? Irene was right, the world was full of beauty and happiness. There was so much he still had to do.
Ma had not yet told him her secret Marinara recipe, and no way was he going to let himself die before getting that out of her.
And Benny... they had so much they still had to do together. They still had to fix that blasted cabin. He was going to take Benny to Europe and show him Italy. Michael had his school play coming up, and they were supposed to be front row center.
Ray turned and smiled at Irene, but his eyes were full of tears. "Irene, I have to stay. Here. I mean, on Earth, alive. I don't think I'm done yet."
She smiled at him, a warm, beautiful, happy smile. "I don't think you are either, Vecchio. I think you made the right choice."
"You do?" Ray's smile grew bigger. "I'm glad. If you think that, it must be the right choice."
She smiled at him. "Oh, Ray. Will you ever learn to have more faith in yourself?"
He shrugged and grinned at her. "Maybe I will now." He grew serious. "I do miss you though, Irene."
"I miss you, too, Ray. But we will be together again one day. Count on that. And I will be keeping an eye on you." She grinned her old impish grin that Ray had always loved.
"And I will be keeping my eye on Mr. Constable Benton Fraser, as well. And if he doesn't take care of you and treat you the way you should be treated, he will be in big trouble."
Ray grinned. "Good." He reached out and gently touched her face. "I love you, Irene."
"I love you too, Ray."
He leaned down and kissed her, a soft lingering kiss, until she finally pulled away. Irene smiled at him for a minute, then turned and was gone.
For a moment, Ray felt an overwhelming sadness, but then her words came back to him and he smiled. He would see Irene again one day. He was sure of that now. But in the meantime, he had a future to attend to.
Ray turned and started back down the corridor to his hospital room. He wanted to hear Benny's voice again. He needed to hear it. He knew everything would be okay if he could just hear Benny's voice...
...Benny's voice. He could hear Benny's voice. It was the only real thing in a world that was suddenly alien and scary, and Ray clung to it.
He didn't know where he was, or what had happened to him. He suspected he was in a hospital, though. He could hear noises and smell odors that were all too terribly familiar. And he was in pain. It was far away, through a haze most likely caused by painkillers, but it was there. And there was some kind of tube down his throat.
What had happened? Ray stilled as a memory tried to come back to him. He had been someplace... someplace else. He had been warm and safe and at peace in that other place. Maybe he had only been dreaming, but it didn't feel like a dream.
He wanted to go back to that other place, but the memories were fading even as he tried to chase them down, so he decided to open his eyes instead. He was surprised at how much effort it took.
Ray blinked a few times as he tried to bring things into focus. Yup, he was definitely in the hospital. He could see the wires in his body, and he was lying in a hospital bed. With a tremendous effort, he turned his head towards the sound of Benny's voice.
Ray smiled as much as he could with that damnable tube in his mouth. Benny was there.
"Ray?" Benny looked like hell. He was pale, and his eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. But he was smiling happily at Ray, even though he had tears in his eyes.
"Hello, Ray," Benny whispered.
With another great effort, Ray managed to squeeze Benny's hand, and Benny smiled. "Welcome back, love. I've been waiting for you," Benny said.
"You're in the hospital, Ray. You were... you've been hurt, Ray. But you'll be okay. You're going to be fine now, just fine."
Ray smiled again and nodded slightly. He felt his eyes drifting shut already, and cursed himself. He couldn't fall back asleep yet! He had just woken up!
Benny smiled at him, though. "It's all right, Ray. You just rest now. I'll be here when you wake up again. I'll be right here in the chair the whole time."
Ray gratefully let his eyes close, but then forced them open again. There was something he had to tell Benny. He couldn't fall asleep without telling Benny... Damn that tube in his throat! He needed to tell him...
But suddenly, Ray saw his lover's smile change, and he knew that Benny knew what he wanted to say. Benny always understood.
"I love you too, Ray."
THE END
Return to Home Page