RATED PG
Alliance legally owns these characters, and I make no legal claim to them. This story is written for entertainment purposes only, and no profit will be made.
Yes, this fic was inspired by a song, and the lyrics follow.
HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT
I'm lying awake in bed, unable to sleep. Again. At least this time I'm not alone- Benny is lying next to me, sleeping soundly after our lovemaking. We had a wonderful time tonight; we went out on a real date- dinner, a movie, a walk through the streets of Chicago- and then we came back to Benny's apartment and had an incredible love making session. I'm lying next to the man I love, his warm body pressed up to mine. I should be happy; the happiest man in the world. But I'm not.
Being in love is supposed to make you happy, and it does make me happy, sometimes. The times when I'm with Benny, when I can shut out the rest of the world and pretend it doesn't exist, I feel like I'm living every drippy love song ever written.
If I could just keep the rest of the world away, if I could take Benny and run away to his cabin up in Canada, or suddenly wake up in a world where I have no other responsibilities, life would be perfect. But that's not going to happen; so I'm stuck in this impossible situation, and I'm keeping Benny trapped with me.
Benny says that he understands, and he probably does, but he deserves more. He deserves someone who can love him openly and freely, someone who won't keep that love hidden away, only letting it out when no one else is around and everything is safe.
I want to love Benny openly, I do. I want it more than I've wanted anything in my life. Yet I can't bring myself to do it. God, I am such a coward. But this isn't supposed to be my life, this wasn't the path that was laid out for me. I am Raymond Vecchio, Detective First Grade with the Chicago Police Department. I am not supposed to be in love with another man.
I know what would happen if I came out on the job. Officially nothing, of course. The rules and regulations would be strictly followed. But unofficially, I know what happens to gay cops. The cruel jokes, the snide remarks, the promotion that always goes to someone else. If I came out, I would be committing career suicide.
And if I came out to my family, it would make what would happen on the job seem like a picnic. Ma would be horrified, devastated, furious. Maria and Frannie probably wouldn't react much better than Ma. Maria might even try to keep her kids away from me. I'd have to leave the house; I'd lose my home and my family. I couldn't take that.
So instead, I lie to them all. My friends, my co-workers, my family. And Benny? The man I'm supposed to love more than anyone else in the world? I treat him like shit. He'd deny that, of course, but it's true.
When we're around anyone else, we keep up the façade of "just friends," at my insistence. And when I can fit time into my schedule and think of a plausible excuse for my family, I sneak over to Benny's apartment so we can make love.
He deserves more. He deserves better. He deserves to be with someone who can love him fully, will be proud to be by his side openly. I wish I had the courage to either love him completely or leave him, freeing him to find a lover worthy of him. But I don't, so I'll stay with him until he has had enough of it- of me- and he leaves me.
I sigh and shift in the bed, pulling my arm out from under Benny; and he moans softly in his sleep and rolls over next to me. I slip an arm around his waist and start gently stroking his back and he sighs and then is still.
Oh, God, who am I kidding? Benny will never leave me. He's in love with me, and when he's in love, he commits himself completely. He waited for Victoria for ten years, and even after everything she did to him while she was here, he was still going to run away with her. A man who would do that isn't about to walk away from someone who tosses him even the smallest crumb of kindness.
Hell, he probably thinks this part time, degrading love is all that he deserves. Love and unhappiness go pretty much hand in hand in Benny's mind, and I'm sure as hell not doing a whole lot to prove otherwise.
A sudden stab of pain runs through me, and I close my eyes against it, wishing. Wishing I had the courage to love Benny. Wishing I had the strength to let him go. Wishing I were a better person.
THE END
HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT - Richard Marx
Just when I believe I couldn't ever want for more.
This ever-changing world pushes me through another door.
I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase the beauty of your face
Just for a while,
Won't you let me shelter you.
Hold on to the night
Hold on to the memory
I wish that I could give you something more,
That I could be yours
How do we explain
Something that took us by surprise
Promises in vain
Love that is real, but in disguise
What happens now
Do we break another rule, let our lovers play the fool?
I don't know how to stop feeling this way
Hold on to the night
Hold on the memory
If only I could give you more...
Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
Every time I look into your eyes I'm helplessly aware
That the someone I've been searching for is right there
Hold on to the night
Hold on to the memory
I wish that I could give you more....
Hold on to the night