RATED NC17
Ray sighed and glanced over at the window as the wind changed direction, spattering the rain against the glass. It had been dark and gloomy the last five days, and raining for most of that time.
Worst of all, he had not seen Benny for a week, as their schedules had conflicted. Ray had been working a case that required all-night stakeouts at the docks- what a nightmare that been! And Benny was working 14 to 16 hour days in advance of the visit of some big wig English diplomat; busting his ass so that the Dragon Lady would look good.
But that was going to change tonight, Ray smiled to himself. He was over at Benny's apartment, cooking dinner for the two of them, and they were going to spend the entire evening together.
Ben had promised Ray that he would actually leave work on time for once, and Ray knew that he would not break that promise.
Sure enough, at 6:08 the door opened and Ben entered, proceeded by a very excited- and very damp- Diefenbaker.
"Benny!" Ray smiled in happiness as his lover entered the kitchen.
"Hello, Ray," Ben smiled back at him, dropping his hat on the table.
Ray gave Ben a deep kiss, wrapping his arms around Ben's waist. Benny returned the embrace, leaning into Ray and resting his head on Ray's shoulder.
"Benny," Ray said, pulling away from him, "it's pouring outside and you're barely damp. How do you manage that?"
"Well, Ray, I was wearing my Stetson."
Ray raised his eyebrows. "Really? So, is Stetson an Inuit word meaning 'hat of magical powers'?"
"Not to my knowledge."
Ray laughed softly. "God, I missed you this week."
"I missed you, too," Benny said, giving Ray another kiss. "Can I help you with dinner?"
"Sure. You can make the salad."
"All right."
As the two men worked on dinner, Ray noticed that Benny was being quiet, even for him. He watched Benny and noticed that he was moving slowly and somewhat gingerly. "Are you okay Benny?" he asked.
"Yes, Ray. I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Yes, I'm just a little tired, that's all."
Ray looked more closely at his lover, really noticing for the first time how pale he was, and the dark circles under his eyes. "You look tired, Benny. You're not sick, are you?"
"No, Ray. I just had trouble sleeping last night, that's all."
"That's not like you, Benny," Ray frowned.
Benny didn't answer, he just continued chopping the vegetables.
Ray kept glancing over at Benny while they worked, trying to watch him without being obvious about it.
Benny opened the cupboard door and reached up for the salad bowl, then suddenly winced and rubbed his back.
"Your back hurts, Benny?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Ben answered quietly, not looking at him.
"What happened? Did you strain it or-" Ray broke off abruptly as it hit him. "Oh my God," he whispered, "it's the bullet, isn't' it? The bullet is bothering you."
"Yes, Ray."
Ray turned away and walked into the living room; and Benny followed after him. "Ray?"
Ray kept his back to Benny, unable to face him. "God, Benny. I'm so sorry."
"Ray, it's all right."
Ray turned to face him. "How can you say that, Benny?"
"I mean, it doesn't hurt that much."
"It hurts enough that it kept you awake last night."
Benny shrugged and looked away, and sat down on the couch.
Slowly, Ray crossed the room and sat down next to him. "Honestly, Benny, how bad is it?"
"Ray. Honestly it's not that bad at all. It's just a dull ache most of the time."
"A dull ache doesn't make you gasp and go pale, Benny."
"Sometimes it does give a twinge," Benny admitted.
Ray took a shaky breath. "Do you still have any of the pain pills the doctor gave you?"
"No, Ray. That was over two years ago."
"And you never got the prescription refilled, did you?"
Benny just shook his head.
"Well, do you think some aspirin would help it feel better?"
Benny was about to say no, but then he got a look at his lover's face, so miserable and full of guilt. "Yes, Ray. I'm sure it would."
"Okay, I'll be right back." Ray hurried into the kitchen and returned with a glass of water and two aspirin.
Benny took the pills, then smiled at Ray. "Thank you."
"Is it like this all the time, Benny?" Ray asked.
"No, Ray," Benny hastened to reassure his lover. "It usually only happens when it's raining, or if I'm overly tired."
Ray sighed. "And it's been raining for the past week, and you've been working fourteen hour days."
Benny shrugged and gave him a small smile.
"God, Benny. I'm so sorry."
Benny looked puzzled. "For what, Ray?"
"For what?! It's my fault that this is happening to you!"
"No it's not, Ray."
"For God's sake, Benny! I'm the one that shot you! That bullet is in your back because of me!"
"It's not your fault you shot me, Ray. It's mine."
"Benny..." Ray's eyes looked haunted.
"I mean it, Ray. If I hadn't been running for that train, running out on you, I would never have been shot."
"It was an accident, Benny," Ray said hoarsely. "I didn't mean to hit you."
"I know that, Ray. But even if you had shot me on purpose, I still wouldn't blame you."
Ray jumped up from the sofa and started pacing. "Benny, stop it! You almost died, do you get that? You almost died because I shot you. It was forty three hours before the doctors told me for sure that you were going to live. Forty three hours! Not that you would remember that, because you were unconscious the whole time."
Benny was off the sofa and across the room, drawing Ray into his arms. "I'm sorry, Ray. I'm sorry," he whispered. He could feel Ray shaking and he tightened his arms around him, rocking him gently.
"I know you didn't shoot me on purpose, Ray. I know that. I know that it was an accident."
They stood silently for awhile as Ray's trembling gradually lessened and stopped. Benny pulled away and smiled at him, then gave him a gentle kiss.
"God, Benny. I don't know how you can even stand to look at me sometimes."
Benny smiled bitterly. "I wonder the same thing about you."
"What do you mean, Benny?"
"You know what I mean. I acted so horribly during that time. You were closer to me than anyone ever had been in my life. You were the best, most loyal friend I had ever had; and I treated you so poorly. The way I acted while Victoria was here was bad enough, but the way I acted after that is unforgivable."
"I do forgive you, Benny."
Benny smiled at Ray and gently touched his face. "I don't know how you can, Ray. I treated you so horribly the first weeks I was in the hospital.
"At first it was because I was being completely selfish and feeling sorry for myself. I thought that Victoria was my one chance for love. I knew our love was warped, and even wrong, but I didn't care. I saw her as my one chance at love, and she was gone, and I wrongly blamed you.
"But after a week or so had passed, I began to truly realize what I had done. What I had done to you, what you nearly lost because of me. And I was horrified.
"And then I was afraid that sooner or later, you would come to feel the same way, and cast me out of your life. But you showed no signs of doing that, Ray. On the contrary, you showed every sign that you had forgiven me, that you even understood what I had done and why I had done it.
"And that was even worse. I felt so incredibly unworthy. I was so afraid that if you stayed around, I would only hurt you again. I never wanted that to happen; so I decided to make the decision for you, to push you away. But it didn't work."
Benny gave a humorless little laugh. "No matter how badly I treated you, how much of a bastard I was, you kept coming around.
"That was amazing to me. I began to realize that maybe that's what real love is about- understanding and forgiveness, and hanging on through the tough times. I think that's when I first started to fall in love with you."
Ray smiled, pleased. "Really?"
"Yes, really. But I fought it. You know how long and how hard I fought it."
"Yes, Benny. Believe me, I know."
"I wanted to love you, Ray. I wanted it more than anything. But I knew what being in love does to me. What I let it do to me, and I was scared to death of it.
"I never wanted to be hurt like that again. And more than that, I never wanted to hurt you like that."
"Benny, I know you're afraid of your emotions, afraid to really let go. That's why you still hold back with me, even after all this time."
Benny looked at his lover, his face full of misery. "I'm sorry, Ray. I don't want to."
"I know, baby."
"It's not you I don't trust, Ray."
Ray tried to answer, but the lump in his throat wouldn't let him. He drew Benny into another tight embrace, and this time Benny was the one who was shaking. Ray had never hated Victoria more than he did at that moment.
Eventually, Ray felt able to speak again. "It's all right, Benny. The way I see it, we've got forty or fifty years to work on it."
Benny drew back and looked at him, and Ray gave him a teasing, loving grin.
Benny still looked very troubled. "Ray, what if..."
"Ssh," Ray interrupted, giving Benny a kiss. The kiss quickly deepened, turning hungry and passionate and almost desperate.
Suddenly the two men were stumbling to the bed, frantically shedding clothes as they went. The last few items of clothing were dropped by the side of the bed, and Ray fell onto the mattress, pulling Benny down on top of him.
The two men continued kissing, tongues tasting and teasing, hands stroking, caressing and exploring.
Ray worked his hands slowly over Benny's hips and up his side, then eased his hands between their bodies to play lightly over Benny's chest. He gently pushed Benny up until Benny was kneeling above him.
Benny looked down at him in puzzlement, and Ray smiled up at him and swallowed. "Love me, Benny."
Ray lifted his legs and draped them over Benny's shoulders. "Love me. Please, Benny, let yourself love me."
Benny continued looking at Ray, his breathing suddenly very uneven. Wordlessly, he reached over and opened the drawer of the nightstand, pulling out the tube of lubrication.
He tried to remove the cap, but his hands were shaking too badly. Ray took the tube from him and twisted off the lid. Ray squeezed the gel onto his fingers and began rubbing it over Benny's cock.
"I love you Benny," he whispered. "And I will never take the love you feel for me and turn it against you. I love you, Benny. Please love me."
Benny made a noise somewhere between a sob and a moan, and he reached down and knocked the tube out of Ray's hand. He shifted his position slightly, ready to enter his lover, then paused and looked down at Ray.
Ray gave him a loving, confident smile. "Please Benny," he whispered.
Benny plunged into his lover, and began a series of hard, driving thrusts. Ray reached up and firmly cupped Benny's buttocks. Benny closed his eyes and threw his head back and continued with his fierce rhythm.
"Benny!" Ray cried, and Ben faltered for a moment.
"Yes, Benny! Oh, yes!"
Benny continued, his pace even more urgent than before. Ray gave a loud, wordless cry, and Benny felt the warmth of his lover's seed hit his stomach.
He gasped sharply, and after a few seconds, his own orgasm tore through him with a force he had never known before.
For awhile there was nothing, and then sensations began to reach him through the white haze. Ray's voice, speaking to him in a low, loving murmur. Ray's hands, rubbing soothingly up and down his back, and stroking the hair back from his forehead.
With an effort, Benny opened his eyes and looked up at Ray. Ray smiled at him, his hazel green eyes sparkling. "Wow, Benny. Thank you kindly."
Benny laughed weakly. "My pleasure, Ray."
The two men lay holding each other in a comfortable drowsy silence, until the ringing of a bell broke the quiet. Benny started and looked at his alarm clock in confusion.
Ray swore and laughed. "It's the timer on the oven!" He gave Benny a kiss on the forehead. "Stay here, I'll be right back."
Ray got out of bed and went into the kitchen. He pulled the casserole from the oven and placed it on a hot pad on the counter. Turning off the oven, he walked back over to the bed.
Benny was sitting up, the blankets pooled around his waist. "Lay back down, Benny." Ray ordered.
"But dinner..." Ray gave Benny a gentle shove, and Benny toppled down onto the bed.
"We can heat it back up later, after we wake up." Ray lay down next to Benny.
"Oh, okay." Benny wrapped his arms around Ray's waist and placed his head on Ray's chest, and quickly fell into the first peaceful sleep he'd had in almost a week.
THE END
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