c3po: did you hear that? they shut
down the main reactor, we'll be destroyed for sure
r2d2: beep beep beep
some stormtroopers stick their heads round the door
rebel: aaaaaagh!
stormtroopers: raargh
the rebel runs
away
vader comes through the door
leia is putting a message into r2
c3po: oh no, we're being taken
over, we'll be taken to the spice mines of chickenland and
smashed into a thousand pieces. we'll be destroyed for sure!
r2d2: beep beep beep
vader
has a rebel by the throat and is holding him up off the ground
Vader: where are those transmissions
you intercepted?
rebel: this is a consulate ship,
we're on a diplomatic mission!
vader: if this is a consulate ship,
where is the ambassador?
vader crushes his
throat and throws him away.
vader (to
stormtroopers):
tear this ship apart until you find those plans, and bring me the
passengers, i want them alive!
leia is singing to herself and some stormtroopers come after her
r2 is in
an escape pod
c3po: hey, we're not allowed in
there, we'll be deactivated for sure
r2d2: beep beep beep beep beep
beeep beeeeeep.
threepio gets
into the escape pod.
the escape pod escapes
leia: darth vader, only you would
be so bold.
vader: don't act so surprised
princess, you weren't on a mercy mission this time
leia: when the senate hears about
this, you'll get a good spanking
vader: i'm not so sure about that
officer: if word of this gets out the
rebel alliance and the senate may gain sympathy
vader: i have traced the
transmissions to her, she is our only link to the rebel alliance
officer: she'll die before she gives
you those plans.
vader: leave that to me.....
officer2: sir, the plans aren't aboard
this ship, they must have been transferred to another ship. there
were a number of escape pods jettisoned......
take 2
officer2:there were a number of life
pods jetjkttkethjsshhahaha.....
take 3
officer2: there were a number of life
pods jettisoned, but no lifeforms were on board.
(pause)
vader: ummm.. i think there may be
some.. there may be some plans in those pods, send a garrison
down to retrieve them, take care of it personally commander,
there will be no one to stop us this time.
officer2: ok, bye sweetie
officer2 kisses
vader
vader: bye bye!
c3po: i hate it here, all this sand
r2d2: beep beep
r2 starts to
leave
c3po: no, not that way, it's too
rocky
r2d2: beep beep
c3po: what mission?
(pause)
camera moves
around the room filming the actors-general chaos and laughter
louis: ok, that was good... people.. what was that, what's going
on
matthew: umm, i actually think that went quite well, very
professional
doug: wank! wank!
louis: we're going to do that again ok, because it was really
fucking bad.
take 2
c3po: i hate it here, it's too
sandy
r2d2: beep beep
c3po: no, not that way, it's too
rocky
r2d2: beep beep
c3po: what are you talking about,
what mission?
r2d2: beep beep
c3po: fine, go that way then.
r2d2: beep beep beep beep beep beep
beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.
r2 is going through a rocky place and a jawa shoots him and he falls over
threepio
sees a transport in the distance
c3po: oh, a transport, i'm saved.
over here, over here!
luke: i want that droid and i want
that droid, ok...
r2 runs away
luke: wha...oh no he ran away, oh my
god what's going on
c3po: that one's always been a
problem
luke starts
beating threepio around the head and then shouts obscenities and
gibberish at him
luke: oh my god, we've found you,
what are you doing out here, so far, oh my god.
he looks into the
camera
luke: i think someone's watching us
a tusken raider
comes over the hill
tusken raider: aargh! aargh! aargh! aargh!
the tusken raider
attacks luke
louis: umm, yeah,
i'm recording
matthew: ha ha, take 2
take 2
the tusken raider
attacks luke
obiwan makes that noise that he does
the tusken raider runs away
obi wan
comes over the hill and falls down the other side
louis: and again
take 2
obiwan comes over
the hill and falls down the other side
louis: i can't
see him douglas
take 3
obiwan comes over
the hill and falls down the other side
obiwan
walks up to luke
obiwan: are you ok?
luke sits up
luke: yes i'm fine. umm, do you
know who
take 2
obiwan walks up
to luke
obiwan: are you ok?
luke gets up
luke: do you know who obi wan
kenobi is?
obiwan: yes, he's me.
luke: oh, ok, where's threepio
c3po: i'm over here!
obiwan: let's go inside
tusken raider: AARGH! AAARGH! AARGH! urr urr urr
obiwan: this is my house, isn't it
pretty. i taught your father, he was killed by darth vader.
here's a lightsaber.
luke: oooooh.
obiwan: now, let's go to alderaan.
luke: i can't go to alderaan!
obiwan: oh, you're mean.
luke: oh, ok then.
obiwan: mos eisley spaceport. never
will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, we must
be cautious.
luke (to
threepio): so,
why are you sitting down
c3po: well i've been feeling a bit
under the weather lately
luke: oh ok then.
luke,
obiwan and the droids pull up in the speeder.
stormtrooper: hold it right there. how long
have you had these droids?.........
take 2
luke, obiwan and
the droids pull up in the speeder.
stormtrooper: hold it right there. how long
have you had these droids?
luke: umm, i don't fuckin' know!
goddammit just piss off, we're tryin' to do some stuff!
stormtrooper: don't get cocky bitch!
obiwan: they're up for sale if you
want them.
stormtrooper: what, do i look like a fuckin'
pimp?
luke: hey obi look at me, look at
me. hey obi, obi look at me- mlurm mlurm mlurm, i'm so funny
stormtrooper: where did you get these
droids?
luke: umm, i found them
obiwan: these aren't the droids you're
looking for
stormtrooper: these aren't the droids we're
looking for.
obiwan: you don't need to see his
identification
stormtrooper: (haha) do you have any
identification?
stormtrooper2: sir i don't think we need to
see it.
the stormtroopers
mind snaps and he starts to climb in to the speeder
stormtrooper: aah! let me in!
a giant hand
sweeps in and destroys the set.
vader: you have failed me for the
last time commander!
c3po: over here!
tusken raider: arrgh arrgh arrgh, i'm a dog
take 3
luke obiwan and
the droids pull up in the speeder
stormtrooper: hold it right there. how long
have you had these droids?
luke: i don't know but i've got
this funny thing in my hand
stormtrooper: don't tell me about the
fucking hand, how long have you had the droids
stormtrooper2: hee hee hee
luke: about 3 or 4 seasons.
obiwan: they're up for sale if you
want them
stormtrooper: what, do i look like a
fucking pimp. do you have any identification?
obiwan: you don't need to see his
identification.
stormtrooper: we don't need to see his
identification
stormtrooper2: are you sure?
obiwan: these aren't the droids you're
looking for.
stormtrooper: these aren't the droids we're
looking for.
stormtrooper2:i think they are sir.
obiwan: he can go about his business
stormtrooper (to
stormtrooper2):
oh, be quiet
obiwan: he can go about his business
stormtrooper: you can go about your
business
the speeder pulls
away
stormtrooper2: hey, wait!
officer3: the rebel alliance is really
cool, ok. they're gonna kick our ass ok?
take2
officer3: the rebel alliance is really
cool, and we suck, and we're going to get beaten, oh no.
officer4: no, this station is cool and
we're going to kill them
officer3: ummmmm, ummm, but the
imperial senate!
vader and grand
moff tarkin enter the room
tarkin: the imperial senate will no
longer be a concern, it has been dissolved by the emperor, and
the last remnants of the old republic have been swept away
officer3: oooo!
officer4: and our station is really
cool.
vader: this technological terror you
have constructed with the power to destroy an entire planet is
nothing compared to the power of the darkside of the force. i
keep fucking up my lines, i'm going to die, i'm going to dance
for you people. lalala.
take 3
officer3: until this death star is
constructed we,...
hugh: oh, you
fuck me around
take4
officer3: until this death star is
copmplete we are vulnerable
officer4: no this station is very very
hard and the rebels are crap
officer3: you lie
officer4: no i don't
officer3: but the imperial senate!
tarkin: the imperial senate will no
longer be a problem, the emperor has formally dissolved it, and
the last remnants of the old republic have been swept away.
officer4: and our station is really
really cool
vader: this technological terror you
have constructed with the power to destroy an entire planet is
nothing compared to the power of the force
officer3: ah, don't scare us with your
evil sorcerors..... phnew!
take 5
officer4: this devotion to your ancient
religion and your sorceror's ways, lord vader, haven't given you
clairvoyance enough to mlurmmlurmblargegdk
vader: i say i find your lack of
faith disturbing
choking sounds
tarkin: release him vader
vader: ok, i'm sorry
chaos breaks out
a bunch of
imperial officers in a boat: we are sailing we are sailing etc
moose: he doesn't like you.
luke: i'm sorry
moose: i don't like you either. you
just watch yourself. we're wanted men. i have the death sentence
on 12 systems.
luke: i'll be
careful.
moose: you'll be dead!
obiwan: this little one's not worth
the effort, now come, let me get you something
moose: rrargh
obiwan cuts his
arm off
han: i heard you wanted a ship
princess.
chewie: uuh
luke: i'm not a princess, i don't
know what you're talking about
chewie: uuh
han: can you pay?
chewie: uuh
luke: i..
chewie: uuh
luke: i can
chewie: uuh
luke: shut up goddammit!
chewie: uuh
luke: i can pay you with peaches,
is that any good, cause you know i don't have money cause i'm
just a kid and i've got this strange hair
han: look princess, peaches don't
do anything for me
luke: i've got this stick in my
hand, is that any good to you, this one here, this stick there,
is that ok?
han: you dirty little bitch, i
don't want your fucking stick, what do i look like, a pimp?
luke: oh look, come on! just take
me to the fucking alderaan system or what
han: ok, i'll meet you in hangar
bay 2
luke: i happen to be a pretty good
pilot myself
han: oh yeah, kid.
luke: yeah!
han: don't get cocky!
luke: what? that's not until, like,
ages away man.
han: i don't care
luke: what do you think obi wan?
obiwan: use the force luke.
luke: ok
han: no chewie, put him back
together. i'll meet you at the goddamn hangar.
luke: ok, i think basically what
the summary of that, hey come back you guys! i think what
basically has happened here is that we've asked you for a ship
and you've, hey, listen to meeeee!, i think
basically what's happened is that we've asked you for a ship to
the alderaan system and you've said give us loads of money and
we've said ok alright, is that what's happened?
yoda slices han
and chewie with the lightsaber and leaps over the table to do the
same to the other 2.
yoda: killed you i have! when 900
years old you reach, kill so many people, you will .not