"We need someone to tell us about you war, your making love, and your general fuzziness."
-Alien Overloard, "My Stepmother's an Alien"

"Look, it's about four in the morning, we're the only ones here, no one's going to take the chairs. Now let's put them down, go inside and get some donuts."
-Me from a conversation with Naked Ryan

"Sure, it might cause enough damage to the space time continuum to destroy the Universe, but in the end, who's going to be left to care?"
-Me about interfering with the natural course of history, or as I like to call it, "Time Fuck"

"Hell, kid, I'm too old to grow up."
-Huey Walker, "Flashback"

"EXSPERMINATE! EXSPERMINATE!"
-The gay Daleks

"I need a paper hankey... Oh sod it, I'll just go have a wank."
-a gay Dalek

"The Inferno Buster 3000! I knew Santa wouldn't have time to check that list twice!"
-Bart Simpson

"Eww, I'm all sticky!"
-Paul McCartney, 1965

"I'm sorry, it's just that naked fat black crippled dykes are hard to find."
-Art Teacher, "The Kids in the Hall"

"It is too bad that I am in this box and nobody can see what a sexy, sexy man I truly am!"
-Andrew Hobbs in psychic contact with Raul Julia

"She likes to masturbate to pictures of Drew Barrymore."
"Oh, so we have something in common."
-Charles Daniels and Andrew Hobbs

"Ow, fuck me!"
-Emperor Caligula

"I envey women because they are so comfortable and close to one another that they feel comfortable being naked together. That is close. That's a closeness that we'll never feel."
-Andrew Hobbs to Charles Daniels

"Larry Buchannan gave me a blow job so I have to say this movie kicks ass!"
-Uncle Malty

"Stop being such a little wuss."
-Richard Simmons

"Damnit! I'm not Tina Yothers!"
-Anonymous

"Hey Baby, I know what your thinking. Your thinking: "Great here's another guy whose going to knock me unconcious, drag into some dirty van and drive me into the middle of the desert.", but that's simply not true. My van is very clean."
-Andrew Hobbs

"Damnit, I want roaches that can get me laid!"
-Andrew Hobbs

"Why the fuck can't I ever get a fucking Amish whore?"
-Andrew Hobbs in a strangely non-drug induced state

"I love you. No I mean it, I really love you. No, not you, you. No, not you, YOU! NO, NOT YOU!"
-2nd Lt. Bilbo

"Remember, when you think Hitler think "Mmm, creamy." "
-Andrew Hobbs

"You'd be surprised how entertaining Martha Stewart can be at two in the morning."
-Anonymous

"Hey, how much you want to bet I can hit that Clinton guy in the head with this rock."
-the last thing I ever heard my Uncle Harold say

"What is the matter with you?"
"Nothing! This isn't my real head."
-Henry and Jake, "Stark Raving Mad"

"Okay, she joined cult, that's fine."
-Charles Daniels

"At least they can fuck. They don't need porn to do that. I'm a very lonely man, I need porn."
-Anonymous

"Damn penguins are everywhere! Went to the liquor store and there they were again."
-naked old man, "Snake Skin Jacket"

"Today, my rival was the mango."
-Chef Watanabe, "Iron Chef"

"A win would be nice."
-Morimoto