Have you ever been awake at 2:00 in the morning, possibly drunk off your ass, watching television, and suddenly you see some lame toy commercial followed by an ad for Monostat? Doesn't that seem deeply wrong to you? It seems that I usually know more about good advertising than most of the people in the business, which is why I've taken the liberty of constructing this helpful little course to help those poor advertisers out.

Lesson 1: The Purpose of Advertising
The purpose of advertising is to SELL ME CRAP! It's not that hard. I want to buy crap. I love to buy crap. All you have to do is make me want your crap bad enough to pay for it.

Lesson 2: How To Peddle Your Crap
This isn't as difficult as it sounds, yet seems to be the part most advertisers have trouble with. First, make a good advertisement. Think about who you're selling the crap to. For example: if your selling a video game, your best bet is to for children or teenagers depending on what kind of game it is. Trying to get the attention of nursing home residents probably won't do you much good. This brings me to my next point: just like in comedy, timing is key. This means knowing when to advertise. Example: if you've got a theater full of guys waiting for the latest Scharzenegger/Stalone big budget, lots of explosions and twenty-five minutes of gratuitous Anna Nicole Smith in the shower blockbuster, it's probably not the best time to run the preview for the next Julia Roberts/Richard Gere we all know they're going to get together at the end of the movie anyway. Your best bet is to run that trailer is during the current Julia Roberts/Richard Gere we all know they're gong to get together at the end of the movie anyway as they seem to be releasing them in the dozens these days.
Now let's talk about how to make a good commercial. There are three basic things you want to accomplish in your ad: Get my attention, let me know the crap exists, make me want the crap bad enough to actually pay for it. This makes it a good idea put the main focus on the product and why I want it. In other words: no commercials where you see a bunch a of kids singing some stupid song. It's annoying and takes focus from the product. Here's a freebie, a good Gap ad: "Hey, here are our clothes. You'll look good in them. Buy them, you won't regret it." See how easy that was now you try.
Remember: Beat your kids and win a free car.
Your Friend,
The Pope Maddogg Andrew Hobbs

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