WELCOME, JOELGIRLS, TO THE JOEL TRAIN! ------------------------------------------------ "Oh, come on, seven months isn't such a long time." -Joel's Gizmonic Newsletter #3 Well, when you've gone up to 7 months without your fix of communal Joel Worship, maybe 7 months *is* a long time. Sorry about that...but THE JOEL TRAIN is back now, and bigger than ever! The e-zine so nice, I sent it twice...uh, three times, even. :o) It's bigger and better than before. And, um, it's bigger! Glad to have all of you survive the first issue...because this one is a doozy! We have Joel, Joel, and more Joel to speak of. So let's get on with it, shall we? MISSION STATEMENT [revised] --------------------------------------- THE JOEL TRAIN is a totally completely NON-OFFICIAL fanzine for obsessed and somewhat-obsessed groupies of Joel Hodgson (aka Joelgirls). I don't have access to any news that pertains to Joel Hodgson and his upcoming projects and endevours (and if I *do* have such news, I just might not share it. :oP). The function of this e-zine is a place for Joel Hodgson admirers (particularly those who admire his physical form as well as the rest of his wonderous qualities) to gather and make a joyous noise unto Joel. Here is where we publish poems, stories (fiction and non-fiction) about Joelfantasies and Joelhappenings, here is where we give the attention to the Joelgirls and to what they have to say, here is where we have some pretty cool contests and polls and stuff. All are welcome here, including gay guys and even people who *aren't* hot for Joel's bod...all are Joelgirls. Here is where the Joelgirls unite. LIVING THE DREAM ----------------------------- Our main feature this issue is a report on the CAUSE FOR APPLAUSE benefit for Scott Hansen where Joel Hodgson performed his stand-up act. I'm afraid this feature won't be merely reporting, however. There is actually quite alot of bragging, because I GOT TO GO! I not only got to see Joel Hodgson in person, but I got to meet him! If you haven't heard much about the benefit, here's what basically went on. See, there's this guy Scott Hansen, who's a comedian in the Twin Cities, Minnesota. He is responsible for giving alot of Minnesotan comedians their start, some of whom went on to make it big...such as Louie Anderson and Joel Hodgson. Right now he's having back problems and he's bed-ridden and stuff, and he's also kind of short on cash. When his fellow comedians and comediannes heard about his trouble, they threw together a benefit for him. On Sunday, October 5th, 1997, at the Treasure Island Casino in Red Wing, Minnesota [yes, there ARE casinos in Minnesota], the CAUSE FOR APPLAUSE benefit was presented. It included stand-up acts from people such as Jeff Cesario, Diane Ford, and Joel Hodgson (!!!!), a set from the Twin Cities rock group Big Walter Smith and the Groove Merchants, and some cool stuff for sale at a silent auction. Red Wing is only about 40 minutes away from Minneapolis, which is where I live, so I got to attend, along with well-known internet MSTie/Joelgirl Lisa "agentj" Jenkins, and another internet MSTie, Steve Manfred. We had 2nd row seats, which included passes to a reception after the show, since the 2nd row seats costed way more than the seats in, say, the 5th row. Lisa (whom I call "aj") has been kind enough to write a full report of the event for submission here at THE JOEL TRAIN. Since we went together and pretty much experienced the same thing, there won't be any need for me to do my own full-full report. I have included some aspects of my experience, however, for your reading enjoyment after you've read aj's version. My story will help you vicariously experience meeting Joel through the eyes of a fellow lustful Joelgirl. Without further ado, here is aj's version of the story. {aj mode *on*} Cause for Applause: A Benefit for Comedian Scott Hansen Sunday, October 5, 1997 Report by Lisa "agentj" Jenkins I arrived at the Treasure Island Casino with Internet MST fans Carrie Dahlby and Steven Manfred. We got there a bit early which allowed us to wander through the smoke-filled casino. None of us had any interest in the flashing and noisy slot machines. I wonder if I look like this staring at my computer. Thankfully, people don't wander through my living room to know. We picked up our tickets in the gift shop. At first Carrie panicked as Steve's tickets seemed to be misplaced. Fortunately, his tickets were simply misfiled. My own tickets were in two separate envelopes, having ordered a ticket for Carrie and myself at separate times. We made our way to the Indigo Bay Show Room which turned out to be just a medium-sized room that reminded me a lot of the types of rooms for convention panels. A floor stage was set up before arranged chairs. In one corner, banquet tables displayed the silent auction items. Because we were early, the section numbers for the chairs had not been placed yet, but Steve managed to sort out which was section three (the rather sizable section immediately in front of the stage) as well as the seat numbers. Amazingly, he had seat 8, and I had seat 9 in row B. Carrie's seat was at the end of the aisle, but seeing how few seats were in that section, she was certain she could convince everyone to slide over one seat to sit next to us. Freely roaming the room, we looked over the auction items. Many of them were for local restaurants, events, beauty products, sports and other memorabilia. Tom Arnold donated a walk-on part for his new show, The Tom Show! while Louie Anderson donated several autographed books and shirts. Carrie bid low on a signed pilot script and 8x10 glossy cast photo from 3rd Rock from the Sun. Looking over a print out of the auction items, I found a drawing of the seating arrangement. I unsuccessfully tried to determine if Steve was correct about the seating, then I returned to our seats. As I made my way back to the stage, Carrie was heading toward me, excited but trying to conceal it. "AJ! Look!" she hissed through tight lips. I looked around her to see none other than Joel Hodgson. He and Tim Scott(MST3K writer, editor) stood on the other side of the stage area, watching us. Carrie desperately tried to contain her excitement, quite beside herself at what to do. She didn't want to look at Joel as to be obvious. He seemed almost bemused at her reaction. She managed to ask me, "Do you think we should say hi?" I spoke, "Sure," but as I moved passed Carrie, Tim and Joel left and went out the door behind the stage. Carrie then proceeded to literally drop everything she was holding and trudge aimlessly around the room, tumbling over chairs and anything else in her path. "Try not to demolish the room!" I teased as I replaced a chair that had fallen to the floor. She mumbled something about not believing she was in the same room as Joel. Steve suddenly became very uncomfortable around Carrie's typical Joelgirl-who-just-saw-Joel-in-person reaction. Tim and Joel were seen again coming in with various Rubbermaid items filled with Joel's props. They took the props behind a curtain divider and into some back rooms where the other comics were also preparing. After a moment of regaining some bearings, we then discussed finding food. Just then, Tim Scott came back out to the stage area. Tim had been the first Best Brains employee I met back in the spring of 1992, and he and I had corresponded via e-mail on occasion, so I waved a hello to him. He did not immediately recognize me, so I pulled out my gag "business" card with the Agent J's Workshop address on it. He recognized my name from the card, and we exchanged pleasantries. Tim disappeared behind the curtain again. I finally convinced Carrie that I needed to eat something. Steve said he would wait for us, and was probably very glad to be away from us for a while with our Joel talk. We were nearly to the door when Tim Scott bounded across the room, shouting, "Lisa! Wait!" I turned, and he continued, "Joel wants to say hi to you." Very calmly, I said, "Okay...." and we began to follow Tim. Carrie tagged behind, meekly asking, "Can I come along?" I said to Tim, "This is my friend. Can she come? I came with her." "Sure," Tim answered and took us back to the stage area. Tim stopped beside the stage and asked us to wait. He needed to check with Joel if it was okay for Carrie to come back as well. As he ducked behind the curtain divider, my mind reeled as to whether I should give Joel the card I had brought with me or not. Before I could attempt to take out the card, Tim returned and waved us back. Joel stood there wearing a light purple short-sleeved knit shirt and tan corduroy pants. He shook my hand, asking, "Are you Lisa?" I answered yes and introduced Carrie with whom he also shook hands. This is, unfortunately, about as much as I can tell you about the conversation. It lasted about 15 minutes and contained some very important but as yet confidential information. I COULD share the information with you, but that, of course, would ruin the surprise. (Don't get too excited; it may not turn out, which is the reason for the confidentiality.) During the conversation, Joel admitted that he remembered meeting me before in 1992 at the live show and the party afterward. However, the most interesting part of the conversation which I will say, mostly to rub it in more than anything else (tee hee) was that during the course of the conversation, Joel said, "We'll talk about it. Give me your telephone number." I scrambled (calmly) for my pen, and took the Agent J's Workshop card from Joel. Deciding that there wasn't enough room to write on the front, I wrote on the back. Reciting the numbers (unnecessarily) outloud, I came to each dash between the numbers, my mind shouting, "Joel Hodgson asked for TELEPHONE NUMBER!" We finally took our leave of him after many failed attempts to successfully end the conversation. He would say, "All right, we'll talk about it (later)," at which I would say, "Okay," and Joel would start up again, even as he was moving away. Finally, he looked at Carrie and said, "It was nice to meet you," giving her a very sweet and sincere smile before going back into the green room. We left the area then, breezing by Steve as I teased, "We're not gonna tell YOU!" and sought out food. Fortunately, the casino had a small and relatively normal-priced snack bar. Both of us were too excited (or some other emotion; you can imagine your own, but perhaps it is unfair to say what emotions they really were without telling you the confidential matter) to adequately eat, but too hungry to starve. When we returned to the room, the first thing we did was head for the wrong door. I opened a door to a closed room which I thought was the right place and found that it was set up for something entirely different (ended up being for the party after the event). Embarrassed, we found our way back to the right hallway which was now filled with people who came to see the event. As we approached, we saw that Joel was outside the room surrounded by fans, writing autographs and taking pictures. One woman was Tracy Ellyn of the Joel Hodgson Stalker Site. I tried to ask Carrie if that could be her, but I believe she wanted to move away from Joel as quickly as possible. The Big Walter Smith and the Groove Merchants were playing on the stage by then, providing some GREAT music before the show started. Unfortunately, very few people had actually arrived yet, and sitting front and center, we felt like the band was playing only for us. Steve took off for a few minutes while Carrie and I grooved to the music and made fools of ourselves. We attempted to continue some type of conversation over the music, but it was futile. Steve returned, pointing out the free soft drinks by the cash bar which had opened up. More people had arrived and were finding their seats or looking over the auction items. Someone pointed out to me Joel's parents who were sitting in an aisle seat some rows behind us. Apparently while Carrie and I were grooving to the music, Joel had been introducing his parents to several of the fans. The band had finished, and as people were filling out the second row, Carrie would ask them if they minded to slide down one seat so she could sit beside us. She waited for the last two people to come, and at that time, Joel and Tim brought up all of Joel's props on the stage. Joel had changed his clothes for the performance, wearing a dark jacket, buttoned shirt, and white t-shirt underneath. Carrie stood in front of where I was sitting, trying not to look. I teased her, "Turn around, Carrie. Look!" She did, and Joel was bending OVER! Carrie turned away embarrassed, and said, "Don't you dare do that to me again! I can't look!" Joel brought another item to the back of the stage, and I continued to taunt Carrie, "He's doing it again! Look!" but she refused to look. Finally the last two people arrived, and it turned out to be Miami Mike and his friend Jody who had also offered us a ride from the Twin Cities to the casino. Everyone shifted down a seat, and as Steve was also uncomfortable about sitting next to Carrie, I also shifted down a seat. The program started. Each comedian had his or her own MC. They were all local celebrities from television and radio, each of them having worked with or befriended Scott Hansen. The billing was heavily female with acts like Susan Vass (Minnesota's Favorite Mother), Lizz Winstad (of Comedy Central's Daily Show), Maxine Jeffris, and as a headliner, Diane Ford. Jeff Cesario and Joel were sandwiched between the women's acts, but they were all wonderful. Because there were so many, all but Diane had only 15 minutes to do their set. I know we all would have stayed the whole night listening to them. Jeff Cesario had us literally rolling in the aisles. I was laughing so hard, it literally hurt. I choked on my own laughter, making some strange sound which Jeff felt compelled to comment, "What the hell was that?! Some woman up front here; her laugh is a cross between a laugh and a fart!" Joel's set was like a "best of" type show with many of his old gags. He did the "When I was a boy, I used to do this," and blew a party favor. Taking out a leaf blower with a large flexible plastic coil attached to one end, Joel lowered the blower to a certain hip-height and said, "Now I'm a MAN." He blew out the coil into the audience. Joel also did the "157 different balloon animals...and I'd like to do them all for you right now" trick. The first balloon popped as he was accidentally rubbing the balloon too close to the microphone. Throwing it aside, Joel announced that it was all right, he had more. "These balloons are REALLY old...." Another prop, the "anti-Jack" also had a glitch. When the bottom opened, the prop inside didn't drop out. Joel gave it a good wack, and the little clown head fell out. The only gag that we did not recognize was where Joel said, "Why is it fake dog poop isn't as funny as real dog poop?" and held out two pieces of (obviously fake) dog poop. Joel did the water juggling act, splashing Steve in the process. The man who had a hold of the baster got Joel in the groin. Carrie told us, "That's exactly where I'd be aiming -- on PURPOSE!" Being so close to Halloween, Joel did the instant costumes, including the one where he covers his head with aluminum foil. "I know, I sound like a kazoo, right? I AM IRONMAN!" Joel got into the song, stomping the microphone up and down. Joel finished the performance by bringing out the leaf blower again and playing "Amazing Grace" for us on his bagpipes. After the show, they announced the party for the people who were wearing these shooting star-type pins. At first we panicked as we had not gotten any pins. We found some ladies organizing the event who gave us their pins. When we returned to the room to find out what was going on, Joel had came out to sign autographs and take pictures. We waited patiently for the others to finish. Carrie made a quick bathroom break, and at that time, Joel saddled up next to Steve and me, asking, "Do you have any questions for me?" Being the prepared fans we were, we had none. }B-D However, I promised we would think of something. Joel said okay and returned to the other fans who were also waiting for him. Carrie re-joined us, and suddenly it occurred to us that Joel probably was NOT staying for the party next door as he was spending all of his time in the show room. Joel came by again, and Carrie asked if he would be at the party next door. "I thought this was it," he sounded surprised. We informed him, no, they had free food in another room. Joel then replied, no, he probably wasn't then. Just at that moment, Jeff Cesario walked by the stage and shouted across the room, "Joel! Are you going to the party?" Joel shouted back, "This isn't it?" Jeff told him it was next door. Joel said, "Oh, no, I...well...okay." We cheered a thanks to Jeff as he breezed out of the room. We asked for autographs, as many as we could muster, including a number for people who were unable to come. Joel spoke, "You have more? Keep 'em coming. I can do more," and took as long as we needed to speak to him. I had the camera, and asked Carrie if she had wanted me to take her picture. Of course she said yes, and she and Joel moved out from the chairs into the aisle. Before I could pass on the camera for my own picture, Joel asked, "Do you want to take another picture just in case this one doesn't turn out?" He moved closer to the camera, and I took a second picture, then I passed the camera on to Steve. As he had done with Carrie, Joel put his arm around me, and we also took two pictures. I asked Steve if he wanted his picture taken with Joel, and he declined. He was obviously disturbed how "groupie" we all seemed, yet earlier he did not seem terribly embarrassed to ask Joel to tell him an embarrassing Mike story from the MST set. Joel had refused as he did not want to embarrass Mike. Joel checked with us if we had more for him, and I said I had something to give him. I handed him a card I had picked out YEARS ago for him. It had this picture of this child sleeping in bed with all these fantasy characters and images around it like a flying saw, finger puppets and the like. On the outside it said, "Good dreams...." and inside I had written, "Joel, keep the world magical, Lisa Jenkins." He thanked me, and before departing, reminded me, "I'll call you." As Joel moved away from us, I turned to Carrie, giving a thumbs up sign, mouthing, "He'll CALL me!" We left the show room and passed Joel yet again who had stopped to speak with someone else. We walked into the party room which seemed rather posh with nicely arranged dinner tables and finger foods on banquet tables. An easy listening band played near the front of the room next to the cash bar. The food, however, was free, and as we had all paid the extra money, we decided to at least take a plate of food before going. After a while, Carrie was crestfallen, saying, "Oh, Joel's not coming. He's left already." I felt the same thing, since we knew he was not interested in staying. Suddenly, Joel and Tim came in. Joel walked the length of the banquet tables, apparently looking for someone. He saw us, and turned back to look at the food. Jeff Cesario came over and told Joel where he and the other friends were sitting (which was the table behind us). Jeff's table was full, however, and I sincerely feel that Joel felt extremely uncomfortable around me, so had no intention of sitting over by us. While Joel and Tim sat at another empty table across the room, Carrie tried to do her homework she had brought with her. She desperately wanted to stay now that Joel was in the room, but by this time Steve's patience had grown thin. He said, "We're looking like groupies. Let's go." Carrie begged, "Well, just ten more minutes." A moment passed, and I realized that we were sitting right next to two of tonight's comedians, so I suggested that we get their autographs. Carrie and I took our books and approached Jeff Cesario and Diane Ford. I introduced myself to Jeff. "Mr. Cesario," I said, "I'm the laughing-fart lady!" He said, "Oh, never call me Mr. Cesario!" He said he really enjoyed my laugh. It was the strangest thing he had ever heard. Jeff wrote my autograph, "Lisa, Thanks for the laugh! Jeff Cesario." I then went over to Diana, and she wanted to look through the autographs I had in my autograph book. She noticed that the book was an antique, and then she had me tell her who all the people were who had previously signed the book. She recognized a number of the Best Brains people (like Trace Beaulieu), but when we got to Joel's, and I said, "That's Joel." She didn't seem to put the name together with the man, asking, "Who?" I said, "Joel Hodgson. The guy with the props tonight." And she said, "Geez, can't read his handwriting, can you?" She made fun of Jeff's signature as well. Then she signed her name and said, "Well, at least you can read mine!" After I put away my stuff, I said, "Well, are we ready to go now?" hoping that Carrie had gotten enough time to adjust to the fact that it was a good time to leave and Steve would be happy to get out of there. By then, Joel had taken the seat Diane Ford vacated. He was signing a woman's ticket who was getting his autograph for her friend. By this time, Steve was already out of the room, but I had already decided that I would speak one last time to Joel as I had forgotten to tell him that he could not call me that week. At first he seemed slightly annoyed (or perhaps it was my imagination) until I told him the reason why. Joel told me not to worry about it as he would not be calling me until after two weeks. We finally began our way out of the casino, but we ran into Tim Scott again who was watching someone play the slots. I stopped to say hi, and asked him if he won anything. He said he won $50. "And then lost it again?" I asked. No, he said, he bought drinks with it. "You know me!" he cried. "Yes, I know you!" I replied, and then said good-bye. Half-way out the door, Carrie announced she needed one last potty break before we took the very long road home. We returned inside to the closest facilities. When we came out, Steve stood there and pointed to the ashtray, saying, "That's Joel's cigarette." Steve said that Tim and Joel had just left, and Joel put out his Marlboro in the ashtray. Carrie was REALLY tempted to take it. Steve and I were both very glad she didn't. We finally made our way back to the Twin Cities. It had been a very interesting evening. For reasons of my own, I am actually dreading the phone call with Joel. Hopefully, however, everything will go well, and I will be able to announce what that confidential matter was we spoke about earlier in the evening. {aj mode *off*} [wild applause is heard from the rafters] Well, on to the same story as experienced by Me, your Joelgirl Grand Poobah. I guess I'll start my story at the part where I first saw Joel (that's really where we should begin, don't you think?) I was kind of standing around (OK, I admit it, I don't remember what I *was* doing), and suddenly I realized that standing maybe 10 yards away from me was the man himself, Joel Hodgson. I had to do a double take because I didn't want to freak out until I was sure...but I was sure...there was no mistaking him. There stood Joel (looking more gorgeous than I'd ever seen him on the screen), surveying the little room/auditorium thingy that we were in. At that point my heart jumped a foot out of my chest as I continued to stare in awe. Once my brain was able to formulate a thought, it could only say "find aj. find aj. find aj. find aj." I actually turned in the direction *opposite* from where Joel was standing, and I started walking toward aj, saying "aj! aj!" in a loud whisper. "Look over there!" I whispered. "No, over *there!* Right there!" "Yeah, that's...him." aj said, trying to act nonchalant, although the waver in her voice was audible. After this, if memory serves, aj and I just kind of stood there staring at him, in awe. I wondered if we should go say "hi" to him, but by the time we worked up the nerve to do it, he turned around and went backstage again. After a moment's consideration, I decided to let it all hang out...in other words, I freaked. I started hopping up and down, shrieking, dropping things and knocking things over, saying something like "It's him! I saw him! I can't *believe* I saw Joel Hodgson!" Or something. Then I tried to quiet down as we watched for more Joel sightings. Every time Joel would come out, I would only glance at him every now and then, trying not to stare and look like an idiot. Then as soon as he would make him self out-of-view (but certainly still within earshot), I would freak out again. Once aj and I finally went to go look for something to eat, Joel's friend Tim came out to stop her 'cause Joel wanted to say hi. "Can I come too? Can I come? Can I come?" I said, like a little whining puppy dog. Tim said OK and on the short walk over to the backstage area I started talking to myself, trying to calm myself down. "You can do this, Carrie, you can do this," I said, trying to take deep breaths. "See, a few minutes ago I was just *pretending* to be a freak. See, I'm really actually quite normal." I continued talking to myself while we waited to see if Joel would let me come along, and - even though I was probably the *reason* that he sent Tim to get aj instead of getting her himself - he let me come along. We turned the corner and Joel was standing a few feet into the shadowy little "backstage" area. We walked up to him and he shook aj's hand, and he shook my hand. He asked my name or something and I was like "Carrie." "Nice to meet you, Carrie...how are you?" said Joel in a pleasing tone of voice, as he *shook my hand*. His hand felt pretty much perfect for a guy's hand...not too squishy and soft, not too calloused, not cold and clammy...just dry, firm, and warm. It felt perhaps a little on the skinny/bony side, but hey, that wouldn't stop me from letting him put his hands all over my...oh, nevermind. :o) "I'm happy! Really, really happy!" I responded. After this initial stupid-hyperness, I did actually calm down a great deal, as Joel started discussing the Great Secretive Matter with aj. While the conversation was fascinating...and a Secret, if I didn't say that already :o)...it was really, *really* difficult to pay attention to what he was saying. It was far too distracting for me and for aj, who admitted thinking "gosh, he's not very tall" (although his height...probably around 5'10"...suited *me* fine) and who had to resist the temptation to look at his hands and check out the rings that he was wearing. Personally, I couldn't get the "I can't believe I'm standing here having a conversation with Joel Hodgson!" thought to stop repeating in my head in a low monotone. I couldn't believe how nice he was, how humble and giving and dopey...I couldn't believe what a good listener he was, I couldn't believe it possible that he *didn't* see straight to my soul every time he made eye contact with me. Everything that I'd ever believed about Joel Hodgson turned out to be true. I was also VERY distracted by his face/body. He is, if I didn't say this already, even *more* gorgeous in person than he is on TV. Even his receding hairline and love handles can't possibly detract from his beauty (they *add* to it, if you ask me). I was distracted by his beautiful eyes, which have a deft ability for making eye contact, and his long blonde eyelashes. I was distracted by his sparse hair, his skin, his nose, his lips, his moles, the little wrinkles on his neck. I was distracted by the glistening patch of chest hair that sits on the top of his chest as usual, and I even once glanced at his Area (I admit it! I'm guilty!), which...um...seemed...um...well, fill in the blank here, OK? :o) Another thing which was distracting was his beautiful, soothing speaking voice. It was hard to listen to his words because that casual, dopey way in which he speaks is such a turn-on. I don't know if it was his voice, his words, or just his very presence that helped me gain my composure...but somehow, it did. After freaking out upon *seeing* Joel...once I actually got to meet him, I was calm, cool, and collected. aj says that it's his charisma...Windaria [who also got to meet him that day] calls it "magic"...I don't know what it is, personally...but it's incredible. Surely the most incredible part of this conversation...perhaps the most incredible part of the whole experience...was when he smiled at me as we were parting ways. He looked right in my eyes and gave me this big, gorgeous, sincere smile that almost can't be described with words. It was a smile that seemed to radiate not only from his mouth and his eyes, but his very soul. It didn't seem like a smile that could come from a mere mortal...it looked more like the smile from an angel. I hope that doesn't sound too corny and make all of you think that I've totally lost it, but at that moment, that's exactly how his smile made me feel. He was probably only thinking "wow, they *aren't* total wackos, after all," but the smile had a greater purpose in my heart. I returned the smile while aj and I left to finally go eat...and for a minute there, I felt like my soul was resting on a cloud. I'll skip ahead to another part of the tale that includes Joel...like, the part where I "wanted to get away from him as fast as I could". It's true, I *was* trying to get away from him as fast as I could. The reason for this is that I didn't want to look like the pathetic worshipping groupie that I am by hanging around him more while he stood out there conversing with the fans. My instincts told me that wherever Joel was, I should be too, but I needed to fight that urge and so walked on past him as fast as I could. I knew I would have a chance to talk to him later, and I didn't want to bug up any chance that I might have of becoming his friend by acting like a psycho hose beast. After all, he had aj's number (yes, he REALLY DID ask for her number), perhaps I could give him a reason to ask for mine, too. My fondest wish of that moment (and of this moment, as well) was to become friends with Joel, which would never happened if he knew how OBSESSED I am with him. Another moment that includes Joel that is worth mentioning is the part where Joel was bending over on the stage putting his stuff down, giving some of his worshippers QUITE an eyeful. I had my back to the stage at the time, and aj was teasing me, telling me "Look, Carrie, he's *bending over*!" When I finally gave in and looked, the face that I gave back to aj was not a look of embarassment, I assure you, but a look of raging lust! Joel's backside was...well, it was plump in all of the right places, and rounded, and...well...let's just say he's got a nice butt. :o) I didn't want aj to get me to look again because if I *did* look again, I most likely would lose control of my womanly urges and totally embarass myself. Joel's stand-up act (jumping ahead again) was a bit disappointing to me since he didn't have any new gags. Every gag that he had I knew the punchline to, with the exception of the short mediocre doggy poop gag. Still, it had its moments. Natch, Joel looked INCREDIBLE in the get-up he was wearing, and his deadpan was not only perfect, but it accentuated his gorgeousness. The part where the guy in the front row got Joel's area wet with the turkey baster was the laugh-out-loud funniest part of the whole entire show. (Yes, that is where I would've aimed it, too. :o) ) The water getting on his Area...the look that Joel gave the guy afterwards, and then when he said "Arch it up a little" totally killed me with it's funniness. And of course, it's always nice to hear Joel perform music, which he did when he pulled out the bagpipes and hooked them up to the leafblower for a charming rendition of "Amazing Grace" (which also had me rolling since I'd been talking with aj about that song being played on bagpipes earlier in the weekend. Don't ask. :o) ) After the show, I again played my little keep-away-from-Joel game as Joel went around the room talking to fans and stuff. I figured I would get to talk to him pretty soon at the reception anyway. But when we noted that he was saying goodbye to people, including like his family and stuff, it occurred to us that perhaps he *wasn't* going to the reception. As he was walking toward the door, I followed quickly after him, calling "Joel!" and he turned around. (Believe me, it was neat saying "Joel" and having the One and Only turn around for a response! :o) ) "Are you going to the party afterwards?" I asked him. "Isn't *this* the party? I thought this was the party," Joel said confused-like, referring to the smatterings of people that were still chatting about the room. I informed him that no, there was going to be a party in another room later and he said he probably wouldn't go. "Well, you *can't* leave without giving me an autograph and a picture!" I said forcefully. He amiably agreed to stay and sign autographs/be in pictures. While he waited for us to get out the items-to-be-signed, the markers and the camera, Jeff Cesario came by and said "Hey, Joel, are you going to the thing?" Joel said "Well, I don't think...well, all right, I'll go." But aj, Steve and I still pressed on with the autograph stuff instead of trying to wait till later. When we got out little artwork of Joel Robinson on the moon (created by Windaria), Joel gave a surprised, delighted little laugh. (note: if you'd like to hear which laugh I'm talking about, watch the 1st MST Poopie tape. He does this laugh during the Trivia part and during the orgasm/spaz part.) I asked him if he'd seen it before (I thought maybe Windaria used this picture for an autograph) and he said that he hadn't. He signed a bunch of these for us and our friends ("I can do more" he said at least three times), and he also unwittingly signed an extra one which will be used as a prize here at THE JOEL TRAIN. (See the A GENUINE AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF JOEL section for more details.) When it was time for picture-taking, Lisa manned the camera for to take a picture of Joel and I. Joel literally held out his arm and waited for me to enter it so that he could have his arm around me for the picture. (That would have to have been one of the single coolest moments of my entire life!!!! :o) ) It felt incredible to be in his arms...er, in his *arm*...and his scent was clean yet seductive. He put on a "serious" look for this picture (ummm, I *think* he looked serious; I'm not sure since I wasn't looking at 'im) while I had on a big goofy smile. Just as we were going to let aj get in a picture with him, Joel said "Do you want to take another one, in case this one doesn't turn out?" Of COURSE I said yes! And lucky me, I got to spend another blissful moment next to him, with his arm around me and my arm around him, giving me another chance to memorize the way his body felt in my arms. (Once I have these pictures developed, scanned, and posted, I will mail you guys and let you know where to point your browsers so you can take a gander.) We then took off for the "reception", which certainly lived up to its name. I was thinking it would be more like a party, with a rock band and dancing. Instead there was a little trio playing smooth jazz, *trying* (unsuccessfully) to get people off their asses and dancing. (I thought about how lovely it would be to dance with Joel, but alas, it was not meant to be.) They served shrimp and stuff and it was totally stuffy and I felt like I didn't belong there (not that I *care* what people think of me). They did have a few more normal things like cheese and crackers, so we took advantage of the chow. When we sat down to eat, Joel's as-of-yet absence from the party was so noticeable that it was almost audible. I had been away from him for only a minute or two, but I missed him already. When he finally did arrive, I made a point of trying-not-to-stare-at-him, though I WANTED to stare. He got some food and found a seat on the other side of the room (perhaps trying to avoid us?). Steve REALLY wanted to leave at this point and, although he was my ride and I should've respected his wishes, there was not a single thread in the tapestry of my soul that was OK with leaving Joel's presence. I wanted to stay at the party as long as Joel was still there. I wanted to talk to him, tell him about my life, maybe get a house, with some guys...(just kidding :o) ). aj and I went to say goodbye to Joel one last time. He did seem annoyed to have us hanging over him again, but he lightened up when he found out that aj only wanted to tell him not to call her any time in the next few days 'cause she wasn't gonna be home. As we were leaving, Joel looked me in the eye and said in a very sincere tone-of-voice, "It was nice meeting you." Which totally made my month, as you can imagine. And yes, I *did* have to resist the urge to take his cigarette butt out of the ashtray. Although if you ask me, aj was fighting the same urge. :o) After we left, I was filled with kind of an empty, hollow feeling. Again, I was missing Joel *tremendously*. Sure, it was great to meet him at all, but meeting him only made me want more. I wanted to be able to talk to him...tell him that I'm a music major, tell him about my life, have him tell me about his. I wanted to be able to become his friend, but alas...I guess things don't happen so quickly, do they. Who knows, maybe I'm better off this way. If he was my friend - if he was actually a part of my life - I know in my heart that I would fall in love with him, and I would fall hard. Right now my life is focused on school, and I don't feel that I have time for love; especially the unrequited kind, which tends to eat away at the soul. For now, I'll be content admiring Joel from afar...along with the rest of you: my precious Joelgirls. THE END (phew!) And now on with the rest of THE JOEL TRAIN.... JOELPOETRY AND STORIES ----------------------------------- As always, THE JOEL TRAIN is a place for not only me, but for the whole of the Joelgirl kingdom to express their thoughts and feelings about Joel. Here are the poems and stories etc. that I *did* receive...all 6 of them. These 6 people and the 2 featured writers were entered into a drawing for the GENII magazine with Joel on the cover (only 8 of you wanted the GENII mag? Tsk, tsk, tsk.) But without further ado, here they are...contributions by you and you. (And one by me, too.) Stephen Cooke Gizmonics. A state of mind, a state of action. Creating. From a chyro-gyro to the Daktari Stool. Hands-on, brains-on, A better world from Joel to you. -- Windaria Dew-kissed lips delight Your eyes both sad and pensive Dreamer or the dream? White-hot stars above Sanguine fires sparkle below Joel poised in between While staring at the sea of stars tonight I spy a precious drifting satellite. Anchored to my Earth by a bridle slim, My untamed emotion ascends to him. Whatever the horrors that my beloved braves, God bless the cursed captive on thy waves. So long as there lives kitsch and movies B, So long lives Joel, and this gives life to thee. -- Jax Something in the way, he moves, I don't want to think of another,'something in that smile shows me, receding hairline and all, I know I believe, and how... You're telling me that my lust grows.. I don't know, I don't know.. You're asking me if it may show, yea, I love Joel -- Stephanie "Can't Spell in Latin" Smith (aka GEORGIANA) Happy Joelmas song (sung to the tune of Happy Birthday) felecim tibi, natalem diem, felecim, me Joel, natalem diem -- Laurie Z. (Peanutty) [telling about a MST Men dream that she had about 1 1/2 years ago] I was with Trace, Joel and Kevin. We were shooting MST in an old church. We took out most of the pews so that just the first row was left (of course). I wasn't doing much, just watching. Then we had to sleep over in the church, which had beds in part of the sanctuary. Kevin got one, Joel got one, and Trace was supposed to get the third one but somehow I was in it...but it didn't matter because he was working all night on something so I never saw him until the next day. The next day we all went to visit a friend/relative of Trace's in the country. This person lived in a partially sunken white plaster domed house (just one room) with stone floor, primitive furniture, etc. It was really quite beautiful and the people were very nice. That's about all I remember. -- Tina "ChicaOne" Anderson DREAMING OF JOEL Before I recount my dream about the incredible, edible Joel, I should explain that I'd long been a MSTIE but had not thought of Joel in "that way" before I had this dream. It began innocently enough... I was at a generic comedy awards show with a handsome but incredibly boring date. I was all dolled up in a beautiful, black-velvet, strapless gown that made me feel very sexy and alive. Yet, I was trapped in a sea of sequins and suits too dull to laugh at the comedians on stage. Suddenly, I heard a voice from behind me breaking the polite silence. It was a light, teasing voice, cracking jokes at the award winners... making slight fun of them. Cries of "SHHHH!" rang out from the stiffs on all sides of me. I developed a terrible case of the giggles that could not be quelled even by the dirty looks of my date. "Curiosity killed the cat" as they say... and I was dying of it. I just had to know who was the author of the jokes that were breaking my boredom. I turned partially around and glanced over my shoulder into the dancing eyes of Joel Hodgson. He leaned forward, close enough so that I could feel his breath on my skin and said, "I'm glad someone around here appreciates a real sense of humor." All at once, as dreams are wont to do, time sped up and the awards show was over. All of the crowd was gone home, including my inconvenient date and Joel and I were alone. We talked a little about Mystery Science Theater. I asked him what his plans were now that he was about to leave the show, (I had just read about his departure in Entertainment Weekly before the dream..). He said the show would carry on well without him. He added "Don't worry, Mike will do a good job." At this point, I expressed my admiration for his sense of humor and talent. He returned it by leaping over the row of seats, pulling my down and kissing me. Before I had a chance to react, his hands were all over the soft fabric of my dress. I could feel my nerves jumping beneath his caresses. I remember saying "Hey!" and then melting into another lovely kiss before waking up. When I did awake, I thought "If Joel kisses like that in real life maybe I've got him pegged all wrong." I never looked at Joel in the same way again. The rest is MSTie history. -- Carrie "No Nickname" Dahlby [that's me!] My Ode to Joel Hodgson Now wondering on the wholeness of your soul Now yearning to swim the depth of your eyes Now wishing that you needed me too Look to me Soon reflecting on the softness of your skin Soon kneading and caressing and pressing you to me Soon breathing impassioned cries of "Joel!" Want me Forever searching for your presence Forever bound to your heart, unknown Forever dying in the thought of your arms Love me -- JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH ---------------------------------- those of you who don't know, every month (or every three months, or seven, or however long it takes me to get around to writing this darn thing) one of our Joelgirls will be put on a pedestal and asked a a bunch of random questions in the feature called "JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH". Also in this feature, the Joelgirl of the Next Month will be announced, along with her two alternates. The Joelgirls OTM are chosen in a totally random and totally fair drawing from among my subscribers, except for the ones who ask me never include them in this feature, and the ones who have already been featured. Non-Joellusting Joelgirls, take heart; I won't make you tell me about your Joel fantasies if you don't have any. :o) Anyone who does not ever want to be in the drawing for JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH, e-mail me and let me know. The Joelgirl of the Month for next month is the Joelgirl known to me as.... Allison Fretz! Congratulations, Allison! If Allison cannot/does not want to be the Joelgirl of the Month, her 1st alternate is Miss Robyn P. Shepherd (aka Cheesewhiz) and her 2nd alternate is Lori Ann Christie. FEATURED JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH: ASHLEY HOLTGRAVER ------------------------------------------------------------ THE INTERVIEW -What's your full name? Christened Ashley Marie Holtgraver, but my pals call me Ashley (uh...sorry, redundancy) -What kindsa stuff do you do in your everyday life? Every day? well, that usually includes things like teeth brushing and going to school, but some stuff I like to do includes: -drama (just finished play, "Importance of Being Earnest" ! :) [JT insert: she probably didn't *just* finish it since she wrote this several months ago] -computer (this is a vague term because my computer activities range from internet to smashing it with a sledgehammer) -piano (yes, nerdy, but it's who I am) -geometry (wait...how'd that get in there?) -karate -swimming -gushing about Joel to my friends or anyone who will listen for that -Are you for real? Am i for real? Hunh? I'm not good at them there philosifying questuns! :) Yes, I am for real as in liking Joel, being a 14 year old [maybe 15 by now] in Troy, Ohio, being a physical entity, etc. -How did you get into MST3K? I think you might have seen this heartwarming story on the Joel AntSite, but it all started when I was 8 (?) and my Dad's coworker gave him a tape. I loved it (I think it was Viking Women and the Sea Serpent or something) because it was simply so cool! The bots were then what I thought was cute. That has all changed. [JT inserts: Ashley once had fan mail read on MST3K! You can find this heartwarming story somewhere in the formic forum on Joel's antsite, http://www.gizmonics.com] -When/how did you start to like Joel? I was 13 (again, not much sense of time in this head) and was watching a tape- Lumberjack Joe or something (I suck when it comes to remembering titles) , and all of a sudden I blurt out "That guy's HOT!" when the live-sequence started. There was just something about those eyes... -What is it about Joel that appeals to you the most? Definitely, his innocence. This is, of course, on the show, but he seems like a big puppy dog! As in physical traits, EVERYTHING!!!! His eyes are adorable, and I love the glasses! -Do you have any Joel fantasies that you would be willing to share? (And if so, please share one!) [PG-13 only] Seeing an Ed Wood flick together and making out in the theater!! :) -As Joelgirl of the Month, we here at The Joel Train will grant you one wish (or we will pretend to, anyway). What is your wish? ETERNAL LIFE!!!!!!!! just kidding. My wish is just to have an introduction to Joel. Then if it happens it happens, but no matter what I got to meet him! [JT grants the wish. You may live vicariously through me. :oP ] -Any additional comments? Yes. We will start an MST revolution! We must wear our coveted Joel, Tom, and Crow shirts proudly, and introduce this wonderful show to others!!!!!! of course, that means giving up cult status, so....nevermind. disregard all I have said. :) Thank you for being our Joelgirl of the Month!!!! :o) JOEL ROBINSON QUOTE OF THE MONTH ----------------------------------------- "Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer." -War of the Colossal Beast, #319 JOEL HODGSON QUOTE OF THE MONTH ----------------------------------------- "I left Mystery Sciecne Theater.....sigh...because of feelings, all the different feelings, I have." -Joel's Gizmonic Newsletter #3 JOEL SONG OF THE MONTH ----------------------------------------- Let me start off by freely admitting that I'm stealing this idea from Cheesewhiz's SUGAR RUSH MST3K fanzine [aka My Inspiration and a generally cool d*mn MST3K fanzine]. This is where I'll put the lyrics to songs that Joel sings. Admittedly most of these will have to be from MST3K, but not all of them, like this month's song, the theme from "The X-Box". By the way, I'm quite sure I do *not* have all of these lyrics down, so if any of you have been able to figure out what they are, please e-mail me, and I'll include it in the "corrections" for the next issue. THEME SONG FROM "THE X-BOX" Let's have a show With too many puppets, yeah yeah yeah How 'bout a show With goons and spooks and accidents It's a new kind of show Let's remember not to be so cynical Because TV's too important to be left to professionals In the X-Box, the X-Box, the X-Bah-ah-ah-ox The X-Box is turnin' Are you in the mood for havin' fun? Hey, you! The X-Box is turnin' And it can stop for anyone Any show is easy if you've got a plan We've got a (?) and a camera And a pretty good two-man (?) stand In the X-Box, the X-Box, the X-Box To everything, turn, turn, turn JOELGIRL GET-OFF CORNER (by Christie Shinn) -------------------------------------------------- *Finally* we get to some Joelerotica! :o) The first part of this story was included with the first issue, and, um, seems to end in this issue. Don't worry, I'm sure I can get Christie to start some more Joelerotica for the JOELGIRL GET-OFF CORNER, or else I'll find someone else to do it. But without further ado.... After she held him close to her warm body, Joel and her made a connection. A connection beyond connections. She explored his soft skin,hands curving around the moldings of his round and angular body. Marvling at the gentled twitchings of his muscles, the play of his fingers across her smooth shoulders, and her mouth toying with his seemed perfect. She explored the bumps on his tongue, the ridges of his mouth, and boy, did he taste great. Her hands grasped ravenously of his dark hair, twining the soft folicular mass within, surprised at its baby softness. He pressed closer to her, and the sheet wound around them, binding them together, never pulling them apart. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE JOEL KIND PART I (by Andria Jacobs) ---------------------------------------------------------------- THE JOEL TRAIN would like to extend a warm welcome to brand new JT subscriber and featured writer, Andria "Femme Servo" Jacobs. Here's her stuff, which focuses on Joel Robinson instead of Joel Hodgson, which is sure to please some of you. Enjoy! (On the Satellite Of Love) Crow: Hey Joel? Joel: Yes Crow, what is it? Crow: Don't you ever get lonely for the companionship of a woman? Joel: (looks at Crow sadly) Well of course I do. I used to have Crow: Wait! If this is another one of those I used to have toothpaste and aftershave stories I don't want to hear it! Joel: Fine, I wont tell you then... Crow: Tell me what? Joel: About my girlfriend... Crow: You had a GIRLFRIEND? Joel: (looks insulted) Why do you find it so surprising that I've had girlfriends? Tom Servo enters... Servo: What are you guys talking about? Crow: Joel had a girlfriend! Servo: What?! really?! Why didn't you tell us before? I have so many questions! Like how do you kiss someone without lips and Joel: Hold it! What?! Look, I'm trying to tell a story here! But you guys obviously aren't mature enough to handle it! Crow and Tom: We're mature enough, yeah we're really mature! *grr* Joel: Fine, then shall I continue? Tom Servo: Yes please do. Joel: Well back on Earth I knew this girl, and we started to get, well Crow: Horny? Joel: (gives Crow a very annoyed look) No, well yes, but that's not the point! Servo: Then what is the point? Joel: I give up! Look I don't even know any more, Yes Crow I am lonely for the companionship of a woman. Satisfied? Crow: Very *hahaha* (back on Earth) In Dr.F's lab, a girl that works for Gizmonics is looking at the monitor and see's Joel's conversation with the bots when Frank Comes in and sees her, "What are YOU doing here?" he says. "Oh I was just fixing the monitor on this computer." she replies. "Oh, I didn't know it was broken." "Well it was!" She says defensively. "Oh okay, well you better get out of here now, or Dr. Forrester will be really mad." "Fine" she she says with a smile, and leaves the laboratory. On her way home that night she couldn't stop thinking about that poor sleepy eyed guy stuck in space with those cute little robots. And she turns around... (Continued in part 2) THE JOEL POLL ------------------ No magazine, e-zine, fanzine etc. can be complete without a Reader's Poll. I want to know what you YES YOU think about dumb, meaningless things in regards to that Joelmeister! Every issue I will submit a question and the possible answers; I hope each and every one of you will answer each question every month! Beware; if you submit any comments in addition to your answer, they'll be in danger of being published in THE JOEL POLL results section of the next issue. This issue's Joel Poll question is: WHICH JOEL ROBINSON JUMPSUIT DO YOU PREFER? a) The tan one from the KTMA days (when he was known as Joel Hodgson) b) The bright red one from the first season c) The green one, used mostly in the second season d) The well maroonish-red one from seasons 2-5 e) Other? Explain The results will be posted in the next issue. If I don't get at least around 20 of you to answer the poll, this feature will be cancelled in future issues. POINT YOUR BROWSERS HERE! ------------------------------ Here are some websites that should be of interest to any Joelgirl. If any of the rest of you have an awesome Joel site/Joel heavy MST3K site that you'd like to advertise here, let me know. http://www.gizmonics.com/ Joel's [Official] Gizmonic Antsite -Michael Ferguson This is Joel's official website! A MUST-SEE for any Joelgirl! Remember to sign up for Joel's newsletter, and tell him how much you love him in the "Ask Joel" section http://rrnet.com/~jenkins/ Agent J's Workshop -Lisa "agentj" Jenkins If you haven't seen this website yet, what rock have you been living under? Totally MSTie; tons of rockin' Joel stuff http://rrnet.com/~jenkins/gizmo.html Gizmos -Lisa "agentj" Jenkins The now-defunct Joel Hodgson fanzine - which also happens to kick ass http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/7565/ Comic, Magician, Spy -Lisa "agentj" Jenkins A regular Joel shrine! (Well, it is....) A very thorough story of Joel's career, and some cute pics and stuff, including HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/8080/ The Joel Hodgson Shrine -Stephanie "GEORGIANA" Smith Pics, pics, and more pics! The many cute, dopey faces of Joel Robinson http://www.concentric.net/~Trellyn/joel/joel.html The Joel Hodgson Stalker Site -Tracy "Windaria" Ellyn Tons of awesome JoelArt and yet another report from Red Wing...definitely check this out THE JOELGIRL MAILING LIST -------------------------------- Well, it's not technically a Joelgirl mailing list, it's for fans of All Things Joel (which apply to some of you). But as long as you're talking about Joel, any subject matter should be acceptable. This is your chance to talk to other Joelgirls and Joelitarians on a daily basis! Visit http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/7565/list.html and sign up for agentj's Joel Hodgson coollist. JOELGIRL BEGGING ---------------------- Um, am I allowed to do this? I promise that when/if THE JOEL TRAIN has its own website, there will be a place for all ye Joelgirls to do your begging for tapes and memoribilia. In the mean time, I'd like to beg on behalf of myself...if any of you have some cool, rare tapes of Joel stuff, rare pics, rare anything-that-has-to-do-with-Joel, I'd be VERY interested in getting a copy of some of these things! Right now I'm looking for copies of the X-Box: R & D and the TV Wheel in particular (yeah yeah, I know I should buy the X-Box from Joel's site so that he can get the money that he deserves, but...um, I don't *have* any money). If any of your are willing to help out a Joelgirl Grand Poobah in despair, please e-mail me! WINNER OF GENII! -------------------- I recently conducted a drawing from among the 8 people who sent me contributions (Lisa Jenkins chose not to participate in the drawing) and drew the name of one lucky Joelgirl who gets their very own copy of GENII with Joel on the cover. And the winner is.... Andria Jacobs! Congratulations, Andria! I'll be contacting you by e-mail to figure out how to ship this baby out to ya. A GENUINE AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF JOEL! -------------------------------------------- All right, if the GENII wasn't persuasive enough to get the majority of you to contribute, maybe this issue's prize will be: an autographed picture of Joel Hodgson himself!!!! And you YES YOU can have a chance to win it! All you have to do to enter the drawing is this: SEND ME A CONTRIBUTION FOR THE JOEL TRAIN! A story, a poem, some thoughts for sharing, a dream that you had, the time when you met Joel, some Joel ASCII art, anything, anything at all that has to do with Joel! It doesn't even have to be any good...I will still enter you in the drawing. ANYONE WHO SENDS A CONTRIBUTION TO THE JOEL TRAIN WILL BE ENTERED IN THE DRAWING, unless you don't want to be. Even Andria is still eligible. Even if you want to remain anonymous, you can still enter...and in the event that you win, I will contact you by e-mail. If you would like to have a chance to win a picture that's actually been TOUCHED BY JOEL HODGSON, get out your notebooks and CREATE! If you need some persuading and would like to understand what it is that he signed, go to Windaria's Stalker Site at http://www.concentric.net/~Trellyn/joel/joel.html and look for the picture of Joel Robinson on the moon, with the Earth behind him. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ---------------------------- October 7th was my 2 year anniversary of MST3K fandom, and October 14th was my 2 year anniversary of Joelgirl fandom. Happy Anniversary, me! Lisa "agentj" Jenkins' 6 year anniversary of MST3K fandom was, I believe, on or around October 12th. Happy Anniversary, aj! If anyone else has any MST anniversaries coming up that they'd like recognition for, let me know! CONTRIBUTIONS -------------------- I always, always need 'em! You got 'em, I want 'em! Please please PLEASE send them to me now or anytime! CHANGES AND POSSIBLE FUTURE FEATURES ------------------------------------------- In case you didn't notice, I was quite a bit late getting this issue out to you...about 6 or so months late! The problem with making this a monthly publication has been brought to light, and I've decided to put another issue out once every 3 months or so (which would put the next issue out around late January, '98). The JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH feature and the JOEL QUOTE/SONG OF THE MONTH features will retain their current title, because...well, JOELGIRL OF THE THREE MONTH TIME PERIOD just doesn't have the same ring to it. :o) Some of the additions to THE JOEL TRAIN include the Joel Song of the Month, the Anniversaries, and the Joel Poll. Some future regular features and/or one time features that I'm planning to have eventually still include: -a pending trip to Bethel (Joel's alum) to interview some profs, take some notes, etc. -Quotes from The Book of Joel from that wacky Christian Bible -Reflections on Chinese food -a Joelgirl Purity Test, -Musings on the Other Gorgeous Men of MST3K -A possible WWW home for THE JOEL TRAIN and its subscribers -A place for real, sexual Joelerotica that would only be read by those of us who are over 18 (if you have any suggestions on *how* to accomplish that, e-mail me). If you have any other ideas for possible other features, please E-MAIL ME at nonickname@hotmail.com or dahlby@augsburg.edu. Or, if you're not feeling very creative but would still like a chance to CONTRIBUTE and be eligible for rockin' coolJoelprizes, let me know and you can help me bring some of these pending projects to life (I will DEFINITELY need help on the Joelgirl purity test). Again, if you have any ideas for THE JOEL TRAIN, any thoughts on my ideas, or wish to CONTRIBUTE by helping me bring them to life, please E-MAIL ME! FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK ------------------------------------- All right all right, I know this one was too long. They'll get shorter! I promise! If you have any other thoughts on it other than the longness of its length, please e-mail me and let me know. I will accept constructive criticism, friendly advice, totally insulting knock-downs and abject praise. All are welcome. :o) JOELGIRL PROBLEMS ------------------------ Never got the first issue or would like another copy? Never got part 1 and/or part 2 of this issue? Your e-mail address is changing/will change? You will be losing your internet connection and really really want me to send your JT to you by mail? Having problems with wordwrap, receiving messages that are this d*mn long, etc.? Having extreme Joelpining frustrations? This or any other problem will be addressed by me when you E-MAIL ME at nonickname@hotmail.com or dahlby@augsburg.edu. Note: a copy of the first issue of JT is posted on the WWW at: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/7789/JoelTrain1.txt JOELGIRLS ANONYMOUS ------------------------- I know alot of you could really use a support group of this name ...however, JOELGIRLS ANONYMOUS is actually just another mode of existing for select Joelgirls here at THE JOEL TRAIN. If you do not EVER want your e-mail address shown to the other Joelgirls (which only happens when I mail this to more than one of you at a time), let me know. If you do not EVER want to be considered for Joelgirl of the Month, or if you do but don't want your name shown when you're picked, let me know. If you do not EVER want to see your name next to one of your works, let me know. If you do not EVER want to emerge from your house again...let me know and we'll talk. :o) Just kidding. There are many modes of existing here at THE JOEL TRAIN, from being extremely active to being completely passive. If passive and invisible is the mode you'd like to operate under, then JOELGIRLS ANONYMOUS is for you. JOELGIRL REMOVE --------------------- Who's Joel Hodgson? I thought this mag was about Joel Johnson. Ummmmmmm, no I do NOT want Joel Hodgson's body and I don't like hearing you talk about him this way! Hel-LO, do I KNOW who you are? Why are you sending me this? If any of these thoughts belong to you, then you might want to invest a moment of your time in the JOELGIRL REMOVE program. Send me an e-mail message with "Remove" in the SUBJECT OF THE MESSAGE, and I will remove you from my list of Joelgirls. I WILL NOT REMOVE YOU FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU SEND ME AN E-MAIL WITH "REMOVE" IN THE SUBJECT. I'm very stubborn about this. JOELGIRL EMOTICONS -------------------------- In case you had trouble interpreting any emoticons used in this issue of THE JOEL TRAIN, here is a handy dandy mini-guide: :o) = my smile :o] or :o} = my smirk :o| :o\ or :o/ = my frown :o( = my mega-sad frown :oP = my face with a tongue sticking out }B-D = aj's smile }B-( = aj's frown :) = Ashley's smile You know, I *really* hope much of this was painfully obvious to most of you. :oP JOELGIRL CORRECTIONS ----------------------------- Um, I didn't notice anything major in the first issue. If you see anything in this issue that will need clarifying, please let me know. ASSISTANTGIRL UPDATE -------------------------- Let's face it...the Official Assistantgirl Heather "Magic Voice" Holder has disappeared off the face of the planet. She hasn't answered any of my e-mails in the last few months, and in my hour of need, I've had to operate Assistangirlless. I will not remove her from the position just yet; I'm waiting to see if I hear from her (and even then I might not remove her). If I haven't heard word by the beginning of January, I will put the position on the market. I know of two or three of you who have expressed interest; if there are any others out there, let me know and I can begin the tedious process of Deciding on an Assistantgirl Replacement. In the meantime, please do NOT try to contact her at mstie@hotmail.com in regards to anything Joel-Train...unless you have nothing better to do with your time than to Wait Forever for an answer. DISCLAIMER [revised] ------------------------ This publication does not in any way shape or form reflect the ideas of Joel Hodgson, Best Brains Inc., etc. They probably do not condone it, they probably don't know about it, and it's probably best to keep it that way. These ideas are my own, and some of them aren't, but like...well, don't sue me. It's not worth it. I don't have any money anyway. SPECIAL THANKS ------------------- Mega extra-special thanks goes out to that wonderful guy, Joel Hodgson, for being himself, for creating MST3K and bringing us all together, for creating other kick ass stuff, and for inciting the lust of women across the globe. Special thanks goes out to Lisa "agentj" Jenkins for her contributions, for helping me afford to go to the benefit, for friendship, moral support, etc. Special thanks again to Laurie Z. for giving us a name, and to Christie Shinn, Andria Jacobs and the rest of the contributors for sharing their art. And thanks to all of the Joelgirls and Joelitarians who are receiving this right now...'cause you guys KICK MAJOR ASS!!! C-ya all next time...keep dreaming and keep creating! -- Carrie "No Nickname" Dahlby, MSTie #62537 Your friendly neighborhood JOELGIRL GRAND POOBAH nonickname@hotmail.com or dahlby@augsburg.edu "Blessèd Cecilia, appear in visions to all musicians, appear and inspire" -Benjamin Britten, "Ode to St. Cecilia"