Welcome to THE JOEL TRAIN! ---------------------------------------- You asked for it, you begged for it, you didn't really want it but I pressured you into it. Now, after being almost two months late, it has finally arrived; your copy of THE JOEL TRAIN! Thanks again to Laurie Z. "Peanutty" for giving us the name. The Joel Train, ala The Soul Train. Get it? MISSION STATEMENT ------------------------------- THE JOEL TRAIN is a completely UNofficial monthly electronic fanzine for females, gay males, and people who respect Joel so much as a performer that they want to get their hands on anything that has to do with Joel Hodgson. For the record, this is NOT newsletter, because I do not have access to any Joelnews (as much as I wish I did). It is generally for people who are attracted to that beautiful man Joel Hodgson, or to his counterpart Joel Robinson, or anyone else of the Joel persuasion (just to be fair). This is a place for you to submit stories, fan-fics and poetry regarding The Great One (aka Joel), usually keeping it midly erotic (but still PG-13 rated, for the sake of our younger Joelitarians). If any of this is news to you, and you don't really want to subscribe after all, please reply to this message and put REMOVE in the subject header. If that doesn't work for some reason, e-mail Heather Holder (mstie@hotmail.com) and bug her for a while until she gets you off the mailing list. So now that I've wasted bandwidth on a lengthy introduction, let's get to the meat of it, shall we? JOEL POETRY ------------------- Here we have it, what you've all been waiting for: Joel poetry written by YOU. (OK, maybe I slipped a few of my own in there too, but you get the idea.) The original idea was to have a Joel haiku (non)contest, but some people found that the syllable structure limited their creativity, so not all of these are haikus per se. (Some of them don't even resemble a haiku.) Without further adieu, here are the Joelkus(thanks, Doreen) and the Joel inspired poetry, written by you and me, in no particular order. Enjoy! Snow on the mountainside Blue cornflower like Joel's eyes Yellow butterfly whispers in my ear Could be Joel Drinking my green tea He kisses me Orange sun disappears Trace of kiss on my lips Joel's whisper like butterfly Of the MST men, Joel's king If we met, to him I would cling I would rip off his clothes Kiss his head to his toes Who cares if that's a wedding ring? I long for his sweet strong embrace I would lick all over his face My hands go exploring... Oh Joel! I'm imploring! A long sweaty fling in my place! I pray for him every night I'm trying with all of my might To find this gorgeous man I am his biggest fan You say I'm obsessed? Well, you're right! Joel! Joel! He's our man! If he cannot do it Then nobody can. I sure would like to exchange inventions with him and scream "movie sign!" Joel, orbiting earth Happy robots dance in space satellite of love Sleepy eyed goodness Goofy smile so full of love Joel Hodgson is great no wonder it's called the satellite of love-joel's eyes, deep and dreamy jumpsuits are fitting for joel in his toil in space for once take it off! joel, are you lonely? i'd love to join you in space we could share a room! I'd like to see Joel On a bed of red roses What a divine scent! Those curvaceous calves looked great even in those fake "Doc Marten" clown shoes. Our salicious thoughts Of Joel and his sleepy eyes We must share the Joel Arched eyebrow tight Sandy strand waves through the night Squirming gals unite The way his hair flops Messy and sparse on his head Curtain hung careless Fingertips busy With a MSTie missy ; on the floor lay Crumpled jumpsuit dreams "ODE 2 JOEL (My Idol)" Gizmonic Man He's tha man Got a plan I'm his fan -I love him Creates 'Bot Loser not Light the spot He is hot -Far from cold Sleepy-eyed Never cried Never lied Law-abide -Whatta guy! He made Crow Tom Servo Stop it? No Joel go go -On a roll What the hell In love I fell Kiss-and-tell Ring the bells -We're married JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH -------------------------------------- This is a feature that will hopefully add some excitement to The Joel Train. Each month, I will randomly pick a Joelgirl of the month. That person will get interviewed, and will indulge in her/his own personal Joelfantasies right here in front of our very eyes. This month's Joelgirl is...voila! Me,your very own Joelgirl Grand Poobah. I did that just to get my own name out of the picking list, and so that I could give you a proper introduction of myself. Next month's Joelgirl of the Month is the Joelgirl who goes by the addie of holtgash@erinet.com. If this person is unable to fulfill his/her Joelgirl of the Month duties, the Joelgirl w/ the addie HELENG@newvenus.slv.vic.gov.au will take (hopefully) take her/his place. For these two, or for anyone else who is really ticked off about having their e-mail address shown to anyone/everyone else who is reading this, please reply to this message and put ANONYMOUS in the subject header. Or you could e-mail Heather about it at mstie@hotmail.com, or you could just fly on up to Minnesota and wring my neck. Whatever works for you. :-) JOEL HODGSON QUOTE OF THE MONTH (paraphrased) ----------------------------------------------------------- "I'm not really very funny in person. Sorry 'bout that." JOEL ROBINSON QUOTE OF THE MONTH (#424, Manos) ---------------------------------------------------------- "You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph." OUR JOELGIRL OF THE MONTH, CARRIE "NO NICKNAME" DAHLBY --------------------------------------------------------------- Yup. That's me, pretty much. I'll start off by telling you how I came into MST3K and my incessant Joellust. It all started late one Saturday evening. I was watching TV, and there wasn't anything on, and all of the sudden I changed the station and there it was: the 2nd half of THE POD PEOPLE. I was like "Oh, here's that show that my best friend watches. I think I'll give it a try." Needless to say, I laughed harder than I've ever laughed in my life. By the next week, I caught the 1st half of THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN, I realized that there was something very, veeeeeeery special about that brown-haired fellow in the red jumpsuit. Being that I lived in St. Paul at the time, I dug up one of my older St. Paul telephone books, looking for Joel's telephone number, and THERE IT WAS! But it was disconnected, darnit. (By this time he was living in L.A.) Almost 100 Joel episodes and 1 1/2 years later, here I am! The self-proclaimed Joelgirl Grand Poobah. Go figure. :-) My favorite-ever Joel Robinson host segment is the one from OPERATION 007. Most of you *know* which one I'm talking about; the one with Joel in a BATHROBE. My second favorite-ever Joel Robinson host segment is the one from TORMENTED, when Joel hangs from the ceiling, with his rather bare calves dangling in front of the screen. *grin* I love everything about Joel Hodgson/Joel Robinson that I've been made aware of. I love his glasses, and I love the way he looks in a goatee. My favorite Joelfantasy involves a non-clothed Joel, a large, empty porcelin bathtub, and bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup. (You figure it out.) ;-) Well, that's all for now. AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.... ------------------------------------------------------- I've told you enough about myself. Now here is Assistantgirl Heather "Magic Voice" Holder, conducting a sort of mock interview with herself in order to be properly introduced. {Heather mode *on*} Hey, people of Earth! It's Heather the Assistantgirl again! Since I've been in almost constant correspondence with a lot of you for the past few months, Carrie (a.k.a. the Grand Poobah) thought it'd be a good idea to tell you a little about myself. (Plus, it'll cut back on the number of messages I get asking for information! Bonus!) Ready? Here we go... Q: Just who are you anyway? My full name is Heather (Don't ask about my middle name!) Holder. I'm a full-time college student at Harding University in Arkansas, majoring in theater and minoring in music. And when my life isn't being run by the communications department, I'm a part-time waitress (But don't ask me about the specials. I'm bitter). That's all the info I can give you without having to kill you. Sorry. Q: What do you do? My official title is Official Assistant Joelgirl. I'm programmed to do the bidding of the Joelgirl Grand Poobah, and...um...all sorts of stuff. Just trust me. Q: How did you get to be the Official Assistant? Carrie posted on a newsgroup about becoming the Joelgirl Grand Poobah someday. I wrote back and asked what it would take to be the official assistant. A few more e-mails and three months of grueling training later, I became the Assistantgirl. Watch your step, though. I'm trained to kill. : ) Q: How'd you get started with MST3K/ Joelgirl-dom? I was channel surfing during the Turkey Day Marathon and caught "Teenagers from Outer Space," and watched until the marathon was over. So afterwards, I did a bunch of checking into both the show and Joel Hodgson, and I liked what I saw. The rest, as they say, is history. Tah-dah! Q: Are you for real? Last time I checked, yes. Q: So, what *is* your middle name? Look, I *told* you not to ask! That's it, this interview is over... Any more questions for me? Send 'em to mstie@hotmail.com. I answer just about every e-mail I get...eventually. Besides, it's not as if I have a life anyway. {Heather mode *off*} JOEL RULES! (A ratmm cascade.) ------------------------------------------ For those of you who aren't familiar with ratmm (and for those of you who are but wish you weren't), ratmm is an MST3K newsgroup (rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc). It's generally a fun group of folks, and when someone comes in that deserves to be made fun *of*, well, ratmm makes fun of that person. Some [non]well-meaning but unfortunate person started a post with the subject header "Joel rules!". The message inside simply said "Any takers?". In an effort to avoid starting a Joel vs. Mike flame war, someone started posting some rules of a Joel nature, and the rest of the newsgroup followed suit. So it doesn't *really* have anything to do with Joel, but you can always use your imagination. ;-) Manufacturers of Joel make no claims whatsoever either written or implied as to the effectiveness of Joel. Joel is not a medically proven treatment for any medical condition. Joel is not a food supplement, nor is Joel taxable (except as prohibited by local municipalities). Use Joel only as directed. Keep Joel out of direct sunlight. Use Joel by date on label. Please Recycle. Do not remove the tag from Joel under penalty of law. Do not fold, bend, spindle or mutilate Joel. Do not take the brown Joel. Do not leave the motor running while refueling Joel. Joel cannot pass go and Joel cannot collect $200. Joel can't smoke in the elevator. Joel has to touch the tree *before* yelling "Olly olly oxen free." And, Joel must wash his hands before reentering the restaurant. I thought you weren't supposed to get Joel wet or feed him after midnight. Well, you aren't supposed to use Joel while operating heavy machinery. Also, the Joel offer is not good in Utah. Further restrictions may apply, and the odds of winning Joel are 1:5,600,000. Oh, and you must close all your if loops when programming in Joel with an endif. Joel is also available only in limited areas not served by local broadcast affiliates. No part of Joel may be reproduced or retransmitted without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. Joel must be kept out of the vicinity of the other Joels, lest they all surrender to their primitive territorial instincts and begin the historijoelwar of the invention exchange all over again. No swimming until a full hour has passed since you've encountered a Joel. Do not look directly into the Joel. Drinking and Joeling do not mix. Just say "Joel". Joely the Joel says "Only =you= can prevent forest Joels." Joel is as Joel does. Wash Joel before your first wearing of Joel; do not dry clean. As with most electrical appliances, parts of this Joel are alive even when switch is off; keep out of water or risk having the Joel shocked out of you. And, last but certainly not least, always say thank you or at least say please. And, ladies, please remain on the Joel until it comes to a complete stop. Sadly, life is *not* like a box of Joels. It's *always* Joel season. If Joel goes into the gutter and *then* knocks down a pin, it doesn't count. The first side of Joel may be longer than the second to maintain the integrity of song selection. If you love Joel, set him free. Let not the sands of time get in your Joel. When purchasing a Volkswagen Joel, check under the engine for oil leaks. Joel stays crunchy in milk. Change the batteries in your Joel alarm every six months. Joel may already be a winner. Do not take more than four Joel in a 24-hour period. Minnesota residents add 6.5% Joel tax. No Joel or drinks allowed in the computer lab. Please clean up after Joel in public areas. Do not mix Joel with bases. Wear Joel at all times while in chemistry lab. You must state your Joel in the form of a question. Keep circulating the Joel. Do not exceed the Joel limit of 55 j.p.h. Release the parking Joel before taking the car out of park. Do not mix Mother Forrester with Joel. To insure Joel works correctly, please have Joel cleaned every two weeks. In case of a water landing, Joel may be used as a flotation device. You must be as tall as this sign to ride the Joel. Please keep your hands and feet inside the Satellite until Joel has come to a complete stop. Stop, Look, and Listen before crossing Joel. Do not put Mike into a vehicle labeled "Unleaded Joel Only." Do not open Emergency Joel. Alarm will sound. Please return your Joel to his original upright position. -disclaimer: THE JOEL TRAIN does not take *any* responsibility whatsoever for the authorship of any of the "Joel rules." So there. JOELGIRL GET-OFF CORNER (By Christie Shinn) --------------------------------------------------------------- This is a monthly installment of Joelerotica by one of my contributing writers and good friends, Christie Shinn. It's sort of a continuing story, kind of like the Taster's Choice saga. Have fun! She wrapped her slender arms around Joel's loveable, sticky up head of hair and kissed him fully on the mouth. Joel's quite cheerful mouth turned up into his dopey smile. She ran her hands along the front of his scarlet jumpsuit, which was as red as his face currently was. "So firm, so lovely, " She sighed seductively. She grabbed the lapels of his worksuit and ripped the zipper down. Joel's self control was rent asunder with that sound. ...and as the jumpsuit traveled its toothy course....it began to reveal some of Joel's most excellent intellectual anatomy. His gentle chest covered with a gentle coat of dark, curly hair...hidden most teasingly under his beefy-t and his gentle boxers that..... Tune in next month for the next installment of the JOELGIRL GET-OFF CORNER! JOEL IN GENII!!! ----------------------- You want it, I've got it...a copy of the GENII magazine with Joel on the cover. I've only got *one* copy, and you YES YOU may already be a winner! Actually, nobody has won it yet. The only way to win this elusive magazine is to SEND CONTRIBUTIONS to the Joel Train! True stories, fan fictions, poems, thoughts, new features, anything you want. As long as *you* are the one who writes it. It doesn't even have to be good! *Anyone* who sends in *any* contribution (even if it doesn't get included) will automatically be entered into a drawing for a magazine with Joel Hodgson on the cover and Joel Hodgson gracing its pages. Just send me ANY contribution, and be aware that if you win,you'll have to give me your snail-mail address. If you already have one...hey, there's always room for one more! If you don't want it for some reason, but still plan on contributing, please let me know in your e-mail. CONTRIBUTIONS ------------------------- I always need 'em! Keep sendin' 'em in! If it doesn't get here for some reason...yeah, you know the drill. Send 'em to Heather at mstie@hotmail.com. FUTURE FEATURES ---------------------------- I dunno, but when I reread this copy of The Joel Train, I say to myself "It needs more Joel." (What doesn't?) There are several features that haven't been added in yet, as I made room for many poems, introductions, and Joel rules. Yet to come: quotes from the Book of Joel, The Joel Train's own Book of Joel, gossip, voting polls, a report on Joel in Dallas, more Joelerotica, Reflections on Chinese Food, some mention of the Other Hot Men of MST, a Joelgirl purity test, etc. Also, please keep sending in suggestions for new features! And while you're at it, keep bringin' in the Joelgirls. I'm sure there's still many out there on the 'net who still haven't heard about The Joel Train (there's only about 65 of us here). FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK! ----------------------------------------------------- Was it bad? Was it *that* bad? Was it the best thing that happened to you all day? Was it too long? Was it too short? Send all questions, comments, corrections, complaints, suggestions, and praise to this address, or to mstie@hotmail.com, or to both. DISCLAIMER ------------------ THE JOEL TRAIN is not in any way affiliated or approved by Joel Hodgson, Mystery Sciecne Theater 3000, or Best Brains Inc. There. That wasn't so bad, was it? SPECIAL THANKS ------------------------- Special thanks goes out to Assistantgirl Heather "MagicVoice" Holder for all of her help and support, contributing writer Christie Shinn, Eric "Nemo" Granger for the Joel Rules! list, Joel Hodgson for bein' himself, Lisa "agentj" Jenkins for making sure I remembered to do this, OCMOC & SUGAR RUSH for being my inspiration, and to all of the Joelgirls/Joelitarians for being who you are. Thanks, you wingnuts, you! C-ya next month! -- Carrie "No Nickname" Dahlby, MSTie (goddess) #62537 Your friendly JOELGIRL GRAND POOBAH nonickname@hotmail.com