Who is Burt Reynolds?
 
            Burt Reynolds is in all actuality Vondas the Burt.  The title Vondas is the name of "the One" that has been passed down from a group of monks. The monks live in a monastery on one of the peaks of the Ranfordian Hills in the Scoturliea region of Antarctica that was thought to have been lost centuries ago.  The monks believed that the Vondas will lead the world to glory.  Vondas will be born to this world in the form of a human child again and again until he gets it right. This human is revealed to the monks through divine means. Vondas the Burt is 613th reincarnation of Vondas. We at the church of Burt follow only Vondas the Burt because we feel he is the final Vondas. The monks believe that the Vondas will be reincarnated 2 more times before the last coming of Vondas in which the world will be changed forever. However, we at the Church of Burt, feel that since Vitcheros has entered the world, that Burt is the true Vondas. The monks do not feel Vitcheros has yet to arrive.

Are there any, so called, "sacred documents"?

            The book that the monks pray from is called, Arslashbilt.  It was told to the Prophet Avis, by God.  Avis is said to have lived for 5 centuries before falling from grace after several adulterous affairs.

So Avis was a ladies man, huh?

            No.

How do you know Burt is really Vondas?
 
            The monks have access to the sacred writings of Arslashbuilt, in which it describes the forms in which Vondas will take. They go through a rigorous amount of searching the globe for the Vondas. If that doesn't work, they draw names out of a hat. Either way, that's how they know.

No, really, who is Burt Reynolds?

            We are serious. What kinds of warped individuals would make this stuff up?

If you guys are High Priests, Archbishops, and etc., who ordained you?
 
            The person who ordained us was Teddy from Mon.  He is both righteous and holy.  He was one of the original Antarctic monks assigned to Vondas the Burt during his training.

If Burt is the reincarnation of Vondas, why does he need training?

            Each Vondas is a new and separate person. The powers of Vondas are still present, but the memories of the previous Vondas do not carry over. The training is necessary to to teach the new Vondas how to use his powers for good and to fight the evil Vitcheros.

With all this talk of good and evil, the real question is, is the world going to end?

            Yes.  But only if Burt is defeated upon which time all of the monks and everyone in the church will kill themselves.  But we are certain that will never happen.  Burt is winning, though many think he is not.  Think of it as a scale with Vondas (Good) and Vitcheros (Pure Evil) on opposite sides balancing it and keeping the cosmos in line.  If Vondas wins, peace will come to the universe.  If Vitcheros wins, we are going to have a little bit of a problem.

What are some of the things that the monks do?

            Well, they pray.  Trying to reach the higher level of existence know as Argadish La Fiilli.  They also produce the sweetest "apple juice" from their own orchards.  The "apple juice" is said to have sacred healing powers.

I think you guys are nuts!

            That's not a question, my friend.  But we will pray for you.
 

 Well, you better start prayin' for most of the free world, Nimrod, 'cause you people are off your rockers!

            We get that a lot.