These are various funny quotes and junk that I found around the net. If you guys have any that you want on here,e-mail me!=) I'm going to try to get a form on here for ya so it's easier,but for now,deal with it.=)Things I learned from hockey Leprechaun golfer
''Ice,I'm Irish,we don't tan,we burst into flames...'' -from the TV show Players (now cancelled)
We are born naked,wet,and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Consciousness:that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will,I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Change is inevitable,except from a vending machine.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Sign you have a drinking problem:Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Life is the period of time during which you try to make as many friends and meet as many people as
possible so that you are not the only one at your funeral.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
My kid can beat up your honor student!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! (I think Floridians have never heard of doing that...)
i souport publik edukasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?
Don't steal, the Government doesn't like competition.
Bumper sticker spotted on Manhattan Taxi:"Horn broken, watch for finger!" (And people wonder why I'm going to live there when I'm older...*grin*)
Save the planet...Kill yourself.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. --Bobcat Goldthwait
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. --Jim Carrey
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. --Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. --Jerry Seinfeld
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. --Lily Tomlin
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez
If you smoke after sex,you're doing it too fast.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system. (Hmm...sounds like some of my friends.....)
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
If, a two letter word for futility.
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! (Sounds like me...*lol*)
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. (I agree with this!!)
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off. (*lol* True!!)
Husband and cat missing. Reward for cat.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon. (Sounds like something one of my friends would say.....)
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa...
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Unknown
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Your luck is about to change into blind fate... (think hard to get this one....)
Relax! Your destiny is out of control.
Strive to understand those around you,and you will remain dumbfounded.
Useless Facts
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms that are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire Town Hall, you are entitled to receive $0.10 from the town. (*clearing my throat and looking at a certain person* Hehe...)
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
All porcupines float in water.
Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." (like you wanted to know that....)
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A," but doesn't end in an "A," is Afghanistan.
That didn't come out right...
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
I got a LOT of these from here and the webstakes newsletter.
Heya! If one of these is yours,and you want credit,e-mail me with your name and which one's yours,and I'll make sure you get your name up here.
