Someone asked me recently what I thought about the film Tomorrow Never Dies. I responded, "The mix came out pretty well this time." What I mean by that is that if there ever was a group of movies written to follow a specific plot outline, it's that eternal stuffed suit, James Bond. Here's the basic premise:
Action-Filled Opening: Have Bond scurry around some exotic locale blowing stuff up. It gets the picture going with a jolt, which isn't always a good thing. The opening of Octopussy [where Bond flys around a mini-jet] was better than the rest of the film.
Opening Credits: One would think that there would be a finite number of ways you could film silhouettes of women and guns, but that's never seemed to stop the producers of the films. All that comes, of course, after the walk- twist-and shoot shot of Bond with the trademark Bond riff playing.
Briefing: After some chatter with Ms. Moneypenny, Bond gets his briefing from M, in spite of the fact Bond seems to already know about the facts of the case beforehand. I always wondered why M just didn't send Bond a memo of the mission instead of dragging the know-it-all spy into his [now her] office.
Meet the Bad Guy: Bond meets the bad guy in some sort of social situation, where they engage in what they hope is cat & mouse conversation, all the while tilting back martinis.
Toys, Toys, Toys: After shooting the breeze with M, it's off to see Q and see what wacky gizmos have come along now that make killing people so much fun. It's always interesting to see how much this scene can steal the rest of the movie's thunder.
Bond, Master of Pretense: At this point Bond is as "undercover" as he gets. Using credentials that are as believable as a fake-ID, Bond bulls his way through the investigation. On the rare occasions when Bond feels the need to use a fake name, the Bad Guy will usually already know of Bond's past exploits. Exactly how effective a spy that everyone knows has never been a topic the Bond films have felt like addressing.
The excuses Bond uses to get around with are so bad they're laughable. The nadir of this came in The Man With The Golden Gun where Bond tried to fake out the Golden Gun's own men by claiming he was the big G.G. himself. For some ludicrious reason, the guards had never seen G.G.'s face, but only knew that he had a third nipple. To complete his disguise, Bond adheared a triple nipple to himself, yanked up his shirt as a means of identification, and tried to stroll on into the G.G.'s inner sanctum. Sometimes the actual reasons Bond is doing his spy-guy stuff are even more odd than the lame stories Bond concocts. In Diamonds are Forever [I think] Bond actually kills a couple of people to preserve the secret of MSG. That's right, Bond's out there killing people for Country, Queen, and a food preservative.
Bond's Better Half: This is the one really ugly part of the whole Bond story, not counting the violence, alcoholism, and other nuttiness that Bond specializes in. While it's been accepted that the Bond movies are a harem fantasy, there's often been a really ugly vein of mysogny running underneath a lot of the films. It's why Bond keeps moving from one woman to another, he has this need to prove to himself that his disgust with women is accurate. I wish I was making this up, but it's in there, especially in the early movies. Thankfully, that aspect has been softened in recent movies.
The Henchperson: The bad guy is often eclipsed by their hired muscle, assuming their hired goon is interesting. Odd Job was a terrific goon: big, smart, and better at kicking ass than Bond. The worst was Herve Vilechez, the late little person. His battle with Bond ended with Bond stuffing him in a suitcase. I thought that there weren't any new ideas for goondom in the Bond films [how many films did Jaws show up in anyways?] until I saw GoldenEye with Xena Onnatop. A woman who's trademark move is crushing men with her legs? Oh yeah, now THAT'S a Bond hired goon!
The "Secret" Plan: Since Bond seems to have a bit of trouble in the spying department, the bad guy usually explains his plans for world domination in an elaborate way that involves charts, animation, models, and a bay window that overlooks the whole of the operation. It usually seems that if the bad guy had dedicated half as much time to the actual plan instead of setting up his world domination demonstration, he could've counquered the damned planet before Bond even came on the scene.
Pointless Deathtrap: For some reason, the bad guy will at some point decide to kill Bond using some sort of slow, unreliable method. Poison dripped on a string, tarantulas, and slow moving lasers have all been used. Why it hasn't dawned on anyone to just simply shoot Bond has never been fully explained.
The Big Fight: After Bond has mucked around on the case for awhile, the marines get called in. The big fight has to take place in some sort of out of the way place such as a hollowed out volcano, space station, or stealth boat. The bad guy's supply of nameless orange jumpsuit wearing grunts is usually wiped out at this point.
Mano a Mano: Bond has to kill the bad guy through some sort of exotic and improbable means. Goldfinger getting sucked out an airplane window seems tame compared to some of the deaths that have come along. From being used as a battering ram to destroy his own base, to being fed a compressed-oxygen bullet that makes him expand like a ballon, the bad guys have to die via means that are as impressive as they are ignominious.
The End: Bond runs off with the woman of the moment as chipper music blares away. While the credits are running, the audience is often assured that Bond will return in yet another movie. Well, it's a workable formula, so why shouldn't he?
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