Sometimes it is a real challenge walking out of the video store with anything noteworthy. One must rack their brains trying to think of that forgotten cinematic wonder that has slipped between the veritable seat cushions of time. Unfortunately, video stores are very often not the depositories of forgotten treasure that they should be, and I rather sullenly end up walking out with a title more well known. Thus, with Burton's upcoming ape entry, it seemed an appropriate time to arm myself with former monkey entries.

Surprisingly I found that they were still quite fresh in my memory, and I felt no need to rent most of them, yet by mutual consensus with the administrator of this page, we found ourselves inexplicably set upon a viewing of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. I'd like to make sense of this, but it figures more into 'process of elimination' than pure reason. Beneath the Planet of the Apes is easily the weirdest of the lot, which unfortunately doesn't make it good. It also qualifies as potentially the most violent film ever to receive a G rating. Escape from the Planet of the Apes is mostly just cutesy until the end when everybody dies (a continuing pattern in the ape films.) Thus, two and three were out. Why not the original? That would have been too obvious, and I don't know if I could sit through any more scenes of Heston's naked butt, so it was Conquest or nothing.

But what made Conquest refreshing was neither of us had seen it forever. What seems relatively normal in our youth is often far stranger given a chance to review it in the light of the 21st century. The truth of the matter is that Conquest is a STRANGE film. Sure, its motives are obvious, but the film itself looks weird. In part I suspect the fact that they manage to get about 100 monkey-suited actors on the screen at once in prison-like jumpsuits is just disturbing.

The plot itself is simple enough: In 1991, a virus originating from space has wiped out dogs and cats, but humans and apes are immune. In response to this loss, humans began keeping apes as pets, but then realize they'd make better slaves than pets. Thus enters Caesar, son of talking apes from the future (OK, maybe the plot isn't THAT simple) who has been hidden from men who would destroy him, and who will lead a revolt to free his fellow monkeys from their chains of oppression.

Several comments need to be made immediately, and in some ways it is mysterious that anyone ever took this film seriously. For starters, WHERE ON EARTH did they find all those monkeys? Maybe the jungles were just loaded with primates back in the 70's, but now days, your average gorilla is a bit hard to come by, but somehow they managed to bring these guys in by the boatload.

Another problem, which manages to capsize the plot of the first film, is the fact that the monkeys in this film are both walking around like humans and almost speaking BEFORE the nuclear apocalypse and hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Are we to believe that the modern chimp stands about 5-6 feet tall, is primarily bipedal and in a stressful situation (as near the end of the film) can come very close upon human speech? The original film led us to believe that Apes rose to glory in the aftermath of humankind--perhaps affected by massive radiation or at least adapting to fill the void once occupied by humans. Conquest firmly throws that out the window, proposing that intelligent apes rose to power before nuclear war, and somehow lay in wait, ignored by man.

But putting that aside--and we should, since none of the Ape films really pan out when you start paying attention to them--Conquest is in truth a 'slave revolt' type film, and is actually quite entertaining. The methods of primate training are particularly entertaining. Monkeys are taught the word 'no' through association with various methods of punishment, including whips and fire. I don't think I am supposed to be laughing at guys in monkey suits dodging a guard shooting flames at them, but that was my first reaction. You also get to see monkeys pour drinks, set tables, etc., etc. Again, guys in gorilla suits trying to unfold a big pink tablecloth is probably more amusing than it should be. Even more effective however is when Caesar starts leading his revolt. Instead of an outright attack, Caesar starts small. As little as a knowing glance causes a formerly cooperative garbage-collecting gorilla to pour out the contents of his wastebasket and start jumping on the trash. Who has never felt a similar desire? Ah, this is cinematic greatness!

But more seriously, Conquest can never truly be a great film because it isn't epic, and any 'slave revolt' type film, especially a monkey slave revolt film, must be epic. Thus, halfway through Conquest I realized that what it failed to do (yet was so clearly manifest in the themes of film) was that great primate variation of Spartacus that legions of ape fans need in their life to feel complete.

OK, consider this. Conquest and Spartacus are both slave revolt films, and -uh- all similarities end there, but a few tweaks could easily change that. C'mon, if suddenly you were part of a society that kept monkeys as pets, I'm sure you'd have no qualms making them fight it out in an arena. And who wants slaves when you can have cheap hairy entertainment. Hell, I'm sure there'd be monkey wrestling, monkey football, monkey extreme sports, you name it. Sure, there'd be a lot less talent in those sports, but it would be a lot funnier and probably a lot more violent, making monkey-based gladiator events inevitable.

So why is this important? Caesar leads a bunch of primates trained as waiters to victory, but this is only about 20 minutes of film time or less. What if Caesar had led a bunch of gladiator monkeys over the course of a three-hour simian epic? Amassing an army of apes which could free their brethren from the white devil slave-masters would have made for that sweeping grandeur that Hollywood just can't reproduce in our modern age. All it would need is a wider aspect ratio and several long shots of Caesar with his mate, contemplating a particularly purple sunset across a mountain-studded horizon. Oh yes, and a soundtrack by the same person who did the score for The Ten Commandments.

Think of it! Their battle could go on for years! Caesar could perpetually endure as the one leader who could lead his kindred beasts to freedom! It seems quite often now that while watching a movie I see within it the film that really should have been made, yet I am a man of limited means and cannot make THOSE films. Fortunately, Tom Laughlin (of Billy Jack and www.billyjack.com) has stated clearly his intention to set up an independent film studio that will make the movies that EVERYONE wants, so I will be sending all my new movie ideas to him. Why should we let Hollywood decide the all too limited scope of modern movies when nearly everything could be an epic???

Thanks Chris! But how could you forget about the epic film that was Battle for the Planet of the Apes? You should know your monkey movies better than that! If you would like to submit a review or just talk about how cool monkeys in general are, send me a line at gleep9@hotmail.com. Swing on back to either the Second Movie or Main page.