Once upon a time, in a magical land far away, there lived a princess by the name of Margaret Lavender Goldspun Cordelia. She had hair of perfect midnight black, eyes of tawny brown, and skin as white as fresh paint. She was known far and wide for her beauty. Yet, she had never been even so much as engaged. Every prince, duke, and even sorcerer went away from her palace empty-handed and hanging their heads. You may well ask why, if the princess was so lovely she had no love life of which to speak. The answer is simple, really. She never smiled, ever. The king had done everything he could think of to make her smile. He had brought court jesters in, clowns, a circus, he even imported books by Thurber and comic books from America, all to no avail. The princess's lips remained set and no smile could be seen. This was very discouraging to her suitors who tried, at first with confidence, and then with desperation, to make her laugh. At all hours of the day, the princess could be seen, lips of ruby red set determinedly together as prince after duke after sorcerer tried magic, potions, one-liners, story jokes, funny things that had happened to them, standing on their heads, singing a song, dancing, and Charlie Chaplin acts they had memorized after buying the videos. Nothing worked.
The Princess Margaret had fallen in love with her first Prince when she was 17. He had been handsome, dashing, and jobless - as they all are. She had thought she loved him very much indeed, and loving him so much, she really set a lot of stock in what he had to say. Sad as it was, he told her, in a fit of honest passion one day that she had yellow teeth. It is true, she had slightly yellow teeth being fond of lots of coffee in the mornings, with lunch, at dinner and between meals, but it had never bothered her. Not until that day though. What had previously been a laughing, happy, and smiling young girl became a frowning, close lipped, sighing princess. Well, it didn't take long after that for the handsome, dashing, jobless young man to dump the princess - after all, who wants a girl who won't laugh at your numerous jokes if you are a handsome dashing young man, and there are many other girls just dying to laugh at you? Not he, for sure. So, there the princess was - of marrying age, with no smile, and no beau. It was a sad picture indeed.
One glorious Spring day when the robins were singing and the brilliant array of flowers were shining their lovely faces up to the skies of azure, a handsome, dashing, and employed young man came galloping up on a beautiful white horse. The odd thing was his manner of crossing the lawn. He zig zagged all over the place as though he were mad; he rode into the Royal Flower Boxes, causing the flowers to curse and glare at him. He ran into almost all of the Royal Sycamore Trees and ended up splashing fruitlessly in the Royal Fountain, while his horse munched thoughtlessly on the Royal Grass near by. Well! Every person in the palace was on the lawn by that time. They were all staring with amazement at this good looking young man, who was floundering about in the water. Two ambassadors who had been standing waiting to welcome him, rushed over to the pool and grandly helped him out. His horse was led off by a groom, and the dripping young man was led inside.
It turned out that the young man, Mortimer Fliby, was not a prince, nor was he seeking marriage - he was too focused on his career as a world famous soccer player to want a wife. When the royal palace members found this out, they lost all interest in him, and promptly left him to drip alone on the floor of the Main Hall. They were not interested in him at all if he was not interested in wooing. Curiously, no one thought to ask him why he rode the way he did, and when he was going to pay for the damages. They also didn't think to ask him why he kept his eyes closed tight the entire time he was answering their questions. It simply didn't interest them.
This young man also had a problem, you see. He had fallen in love at the age of 18 with a lovely young waitress in his father's café. In a fit of girlish anger, she had told him he was strange because, though he had blond hair, his eyes were not blue to match! And everyone knows a brown eyed blond haired guy is just bizarre. From that day on, he refused to open his eyes. After she dumped him, he kept it up because she had convinced him that he looked weird with his eyes open.
To prove he was just as competent as everyone who had their eyes open, he took up soccer as a career. Not being able to see the ball, he didn't get picked for any team in the beginning. It took a bright team manager to see the brilliance in hiring a virtually blind soccer player - with proper direction, and a lot of magic spells, Mortimer would be able to mess the other side up by getting them mixed up! It couldn't be called illegal (since there were no rules against playing soccer with your eyes shut) and it would be perfectly normal for someone with closed eyes to make a hideous mistake now and then, so it couldn't be called sabotage either. It was perfect. (I haven't a clue as to why they could use magic to direct his movement, but not use it to force him to open his eyes, but there you have it.)
So, there was the stubborn I'm-not-opening-my-eyes-ever young man in the Main Hall, sitting, dripping wet, in front of the equally stubborn I'm-not-ever-going-to-smile-again Princess. She could see him, but he couldn't see her. He couldn't even hear her as water from the fountain was clogging his ears. Cautiously, he began to make his way around the hall. First he bumped into the huge table with dinner on it, knocking over several golden serving dishes with Jello cubes in them. Being polite, he began to try to pick these up. Unfortunately, the Jello kept slipping out of his wet hands and sliding all over the table. Frustrated, he began simply trying to flatten the Jello to keep it still. It was now more of a battle between Mortimer and the Jello than anything else. In one of these wild attempts to smash the Jello, he overturned a bowl of sauteed banana peels onto the floor. In trying to stand to pick up the bowl from the floor, he stepped in the peels and fell nosily, taking another bowl filled with stuffing with him. He slid under the table, grasping the stuffing, tried to sit up, bumped his head with a resounding bang, and continued to do so as he hadn't any clue as to where he was.
By this time, the Princess couldn't help herself any longer. The look of bewilderment on the face of the man with Jello in his hair, stuffing in his arms, and sauteed banana peels all over, sitting under her Main Hall table, was too much for her to handle. With a shriek of laughter, she parted her lips, and not only smiled, but grinned!
Well, upon finding he was not alone, the young man, sat up once more, into the table, and opened his sauteed banana peel smeared eyes in surprise at not being alone. The first sight he saw was possibly the most wonderful he had ever seen, he later declared. There on the floor, rolling on the floor in all her Royal Mirth was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes upon. Being that he hadn't opened his eyes in more than 5 years, this wasn't saying a whole lot, but when he later told the princess Margaret, she was delighted anyhow.
Though she was laughing with all her might, and all of her teeth were completely exposed (they really weren't all that yellow, just ivory colored like anyone else's), all the prince noticed were her gorgeous brown eyes. They were so wonderful, that it made him see that brown eyes are not strange after all! He leapt up, took her hand to help her up, and she found herself looking into the deepest, kindest, and most perfect brown eyes she had ever seen. She told him so on the spot.
9 days later, they were married. She never refused to laugh at a joke, a good joke that is, after that. And he, well, he renounced soccer playing to take up existentialist painting, and of course professional Princess Wife gazing as well. They ruled together for 50 long years, and lived Happily Ever After.
Thanks Meaghan! If you would like to submit your latest work of
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