Everything spins! Then blows up! Then it strikes a pose and blows up some more! YeaaaAAAAAHHH!!!

Okay, I got that out of my system. The preceding burst of nonsense was an approximate summary of Godzilla: Final Wars, the "final" Godzilla movie. This isn't the first time Godzilla has had a final movie, mind you, and I'm certain it won't be his last but for now it's Godzilla's final movie until his next film comes out. Since Godzilla's finale only comes around once every several years Toho decided that the big guy should go out with a bang. But does G:FW deliver on the promise of non-stop action or is just a lot of noise? Is this yet another fitting tribute to the grandeur and legacy of a giant rubber monster? Will the military of the future teach it's recruits synchronized dance/gun twirling routines?

The story of G:FW is either set some time in the near future or in some sort of alternate time line. Actually, it doesn't matter since the main point is that it's taking place in a big, goofy movie world. The back-story is that a group of mutants -most of whom don't seem to have that much of anything special going for them- have appeared and have been roped into service for a multi-national anti-monster squad. In spite of the weird biology and occasional giant monster attacks the Earth seems to be in pretty good shape. The world is more or less at peace, people who don't speak the same language can miraculously understand each other and the most dangerous monster of them all, Godzilla, is slumbering beneath an iceberg. Since things are going so well it's only natural that aliens from Planet X would come in and muck things up.

The only hope the world has is our hero Shinichi Ozaki, who is played by Masahiro Matsuoka. Decked out in Cosmo Kramer hair and a dress uniform that is disturbingly Nazi-ish, Ozaki spends a big chunk of the movie plodding around behind a biologist he's been assigned to protect until he discovers that dumb luck has determined that he is the chosen one who can save the Earth from alien invaders. Ozaki also bears a vague resemblance to Keanu Reeves which I'm certain was an intentional part of the casting process since without The Matrix the character of Ozaki wouldn't have anything going for him. Along for the ride is molecular biologist Miyuki Otonashi [Rei Kikukawa] who ranks right up there with Denise Richards' attempt at portraying a nuclear scientist in The World is Not Enough as one of the most unlikely scientists in movie history. If these two are the only thing keeping the world free from alien subjugation we're screwed.

G:FW is directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, and if you've ever seen any of his previous movies you pretty much know what you're going to get this time out as well. In This is Spinal Tap the character of Nigel Tufnel [Christopher Guest] was proud that his amplifier could be turned up to the absurd level of eleven. Kitamura's directing knob is stuck on eleven. Never having seen an explosion or cool pose he didn't want in his movie, Kitamura creates films that are an exhausting white noise of action and items cobbled together from other, better movies. Normally this would be a detriment but since he's working on a movie designed to be a conglomeration of Godzilla's biggest moments it almost works. It's not that Kitamura is an incompetent director, instead he's an wearying one who doesn't seem to have much to say outside of surface gloss. Although he's calmed down a smidge from his work on Verses -a movie that was so fully dedicated to constant action that it didn't even bother to name the characters- there's still plenty of hyperactive activity to go around. But since the movie can freely cut between wire-fu fights, giant monster battles and a submersible flying battleship that has a big drill on the front of it G:FW at least never bores it's audience by only focusing on one type of action sequence. I do wish that more of Kitamura's snide humor would come through in his movies since the cameo he puts in as a DJ dealing with an idiot pop star is one of the funnier director cameos I've seen in awhile. For now, however, he seems more interested in making things go kablooie.

I'm not sure anyone would accuse a Godzilla movie of being restrained but G:FW has an excessive amount of excess. Most Godzilla movies are content to have Godzilla and maybe another monster or two. G:FW throws in maybe a dozen monsters or so. Honestly, I lost count. I'm not sure I've seen that many monsters on-screen since Destroy All Monsters. Speaking of similarities to DAM, the aliens that are invading Earth this time out are wildly over the top. Most of them are content to stand around in leather coats and sunglasses but their initial leader [Masato Ibu] is something else entirely. Swaggering about with a bald head, sunglasses, and an outfit that looks like it was built out of PVC tubing, he's an incredible sight. It's a shame he doesn't last longer but his plan for conquering Earth was pretty poorly put together so it's not surprising he was fragged by his own men.

Some of the constant stream of stuff made for a nice nod to the films that have come before. Not only was it fun to see so many old monsters once again but it was great to see old Godzilla movie vets Akira Nakao and Koichi Ueda finally score a victory against their long standing rubbery nemesis. Other pieces in the film were just bizarre and totally out of left field. What was the deal with the screaming white kid who was playing with Godzilla toys? What was the story behind the two gym queens who were living a Felix Ungar/Oscar Madison lifestyle down in Antarctica other than to include cameos by a pair of musclemen I didn't recognize? Who chose the cuts for the soundtrack and ended up creating a mash-up that featured Akira Ifukube and Keith Emerson? I have no idea, but G:FW is so busy going in every direction at once that some minor matters -such as the destruction of civilization- barely warrant a mention.

But between all the jump kicking, some former wrestler pretending to be a Captain in the Flying Navy, and the waddling return of Minya where is Godzilla [Tsutomu Kitagawa]? Movies featuring Godzilla have to decide on one of two different approaches to his rampaging: either he periodically shows up, forcing the writers to come up with reasons for Godzilla to get bored and leave, or Godzilla waits in the wings until the third act and then goes on a single, extended rampage. G:FW chooses the latter. It takes Godzilla some time to show up but when he finally does he goes crazy. Of course, everything in the movie up until that point had been crazy but this is Godzilla-style crazy. Featuring the most slimmed down and limber Godzilla since back in the Showa days, Godzilla makes up for lost time by swimming halfway around the world, clobbering every monster he comes across along the way and even finds the time to stomp on a city or two. Outside of James Brown, Godzilla is the hardest working man in show biz.

G:FW is so relentless that it can be a difficult movie to get through in a single sitting but it final moments made it all worthwhile. Standing supreme over the wreckage of everything that tried to oppose him, Godzilla achieves ultimate victory and, surprisingly, a sense of peace. It's a fitting end to Godzilla's latest final film that everyone in the universe had to recognize that Godzilla is the once and future King of the Monsters.

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