So one bright and sunny afternoon I decided to go see Jurassic Park 3. It seemed like the perfect sort of matinee movie, the kind of thing where parents could dump their kids for an hour or two of mindless entertainment. Trouble is, it seems nobody seems to monitor what sort of previews they show before the film. A preview for American Pie 2 unspooled which featured nothing more than an entire scene from the movie where a young couple are interrupted mid coitus by their parents. It seemed a tacky sort of preview to show before what is, essentially, a glorified kids movie. While on the subject of American Pie 2 is there any reason the characters were billed instead of the actors playing them? Jim, Michelle, Kevin... all these generic character names are given billing over the actual actors. The cast has had all this time to establish themselves as actors after starring in American Pie but not one of them has become a marquee name? It's a sad state of affairs when Eugene Levy is still the biggest name in the film.

Speaking of sad affairs, the theater itself was barely up to snuff. I attended the first screening of the day, which meant the theater's air conditioning hadn't had a chance to properly kick in. One normally expects a theater to be air conditioned to the point where you could store meat in there, assuming you didn't place it on the theater floor which is always sticky with who knows what substances. I've dealt with all manner of things when attending a movie but that's the first time I've had to put up with the theater being muggy for the first part of the film. At least this theater is low key when it comes to decorations. There's a theater in town that specializes in second run movies that tries to make going to the movies some sort of trippy sci-fi experience. From rows of blinking lights in the hallway to black lights and cardboard models of planets and space ships decorating the theaters themselves, the place can never be accused of being underdone. While it's sort of amusing that the theater is so totally it's own thing, it is annoying that the movies they screen have to compete for attention with the Star Trek mobiles hanging in the side of the rooms. That place may be a bit gaudy but it's still a step up from the place that thinks nothing of illegally charging money to screen movies they are projecting out of a DVD player in a theater that smells like cat urine.

If the preceding bit of gibberish shows anything it's that Jurassic Park 3 inspired such a less than enthusiastic response in me that I can't even stay on topic for the opening of my review. That same sense of apathy seems to of hit the folks making the movie. This time out the movie features Dr. Grant [Sam Neill, but who might as well be played by Bill Paxton] gets shanghaied into going to Monster Island by a couple [William Macy and Tea Leoni] who lost their son when he was -of all things- parasailing over the island. Along for the ride are a few cannon fodder characters, including the obligatory black guy who is one of the first to go, and Grant's assistant Billy [Alessandro Nivola] who not only has to work against the demeaning moniker of "Billy" but has to put up with Grant's self-righteous posturing as well. Dumped on an island full of dinosaurs this motley crew has to do their best to stay alive. Sounds like a good formula for B movie fun so far. So where's the problem?

At first the movie looks like it has potential. For no discernible reason young Eric [Trevor Morgan] and Ben Hildebrand [Mark Harelik, a.k.a. the guy who obviously isn't even going to make it through the opening credits] are out parasailing on a boat owned by a Billy Joel look-alike. For some reason they thought parasailing right by JP Island would be a good idea. After the Billy Joel and the rest of the boat crew mysteriously up and die [I guess it was one of those aquatic dinosaurs that haven't bothered to swim away with the current] Ben and Eric are forced to cut loose and sail onto the island. What follows are some of the worst hanging in the air shots I've seen in awhile. The two characters hung on ropes in front of a green screen in a special effect shot I thought went out of style in television movies from the 1970's. I was glad to see it back. If only the rest of the movie had managed to stay at that level.

Sure, the characters do all the wrong things [they came to the island heavily armed but mysteriously lose all their guns] and the dinosaurs still move at a lightning pace but still somehow manage to stay a comfortable distance behind the characters but the poor structure of the film ends up taking it's toll. Should the battle between the T-Rex and the big whatchamacallit dinosaur happened so near to the start of the movie? Should so much of the movie hang on someone making the correct bird calls? Did anyone think spooking a dinosaur with a flare gun was going to look dramatic? I appreciate that the people making Jurassic Park 3 knew they were making nothing more than an old fashioned monster movie, but they should have made sure that the thrills were put in the proper order.

Questions, comments, and blank checks designed to entice me to travel to an island filled with dinosaurs can be sent to gleep9@hotmail.com. If you're done here, go on back to the more highly evolved Third Movie or Main page.