Yup, it's big alright...
That great philosopher of our time Beavis -of Beavis and Butthead fame- once noted that if a band is going to suck they could at least bother to play loudly. This sage advice is something The Mummy Returns seems to of taken to heart. The entire film plays like it's volume is turned up to eleven. The movie is so revved up, in fact, that it forgets to do little things like include any explanation for who the characters are [I guess they figure everyone saw the first movie] any real explanation for what's going on, and even goes so far as to not even bother with opening credits or to tell you the name of the damn film until it's finished.
The film features Brendan Fraser as Rick O'Connell the Action Guy who, in his quest to stop the steel cage death match between Imhotep [Arnold Volsoo] and the Scorpion King [The Rock], has to battle his way through CGI effects. A whole lot of CGI effects. A whole lot of really lousy looking CGI effects. Computers can be used to create some amazing movie effects, but more often than not they look inorganic, obvious, and distressingly cheap. Too much of anything isn't good for you, and The Mummy Returns proves that basing an entire movie around computer generated action sequences isn't the greatest way to make a movie. You think someone would of learned their lesson after The Phantom Menace but that appears not to be the case.
Between the numerous action sequences that manage the neat trick of being both exciting and boring at the same time, there are a few seconds here and there dedicated to the characters. Action Guy's son Alex O'Connell [Freddie Boath] is an annoying brat who seems to be in the film solely to show off his remarkable sand castle building abilities. The part of Alex is, not surprisingly, not very well written and the child actor in the part isn't a good enough actor yet to be able to make bad material seem better than it is. I think the Alex role would of worked for me if Brendan Fraser had played his own son as well. Put a silly wig on him, digitally shrink him using computers, and -ta-da!- you have Brendan Jr. Sure, it would of looked awful, but kids in movies often come across as midget wise-cracking adults, plus with all the effects in the movie would a tiny, be-wigged, CGI'ed Brendan Fraser been that hard to take?
As the Scorpion King The Rock [that's "The Rock" so you don't confuse him with all those other guys out there named "Rock" or perhaps it's one of those Batman/The Batman sort of things] does a very good job of running around in tiny shorts and going "Dwaaah!" a lot. Side note: I know nothing about professional wrestling, but even I have heard of Mr. Rock and his phrase "Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?" Not only do I have no idea what that means, I have no desire to smell any confectionery offered up by a large, sweaty, half-naked man.
The most entertaining character for me was Imhotep himself. This time out he spends most of the movie striking glowering poses while waiting for the special effects to be added later, has a very tooth-some girlfriend [Patricia Velazquez], and is surprisingly sympathetic. In flashbacks it's shown that he wasn't the worst guy in the world before he became Mr. Mummy. In fact, his biggest transgression seems to be that he fell for the wrong girl. Really, who hasn't had this problem at some point in their life? His whole take over the world schtick seems to be nothing more than an attempt to impress her. Perhaps all he needs is a bit of talking to. Someone could show him that he really should stop with that mummy curse stuff and try to meet someone new. Maybe Action Guy could introduce Imhotep to a few of his wife's friends.
Come to think of it, what exactly is wrong with Imhotep taking over the world? Odds are he would turn it into a recreation of Egypt. While the historical Egypt probably wasn't that bad a place, the Egypt that Imhotep is from is the big, body oil encrusted, sexed-up, Yul Brynner style Hollywood Egypt! Who wouldn't want to live there? Just think, if Imhotep had taken over the world everything from World War 2 to the 1970's would of been avoided. I'm beginning to think the movie was rooting for the wrong guy.
I know I'm being harsh on the movie, but in spite of it all I liked it. It may not of been for the reasons that the movie's creators intended, but I liked it. I was getting dirty looks from the people sitting around me because I couldn't stop giggling during the entire movie, but, honestly, it was meant purely in a way that showed I enjoyed the movie. From a fight between the army of Anubis and Medjai warriors to an all-girl kung-fu battle between Anck-Su-Namun and Nefertiti [I'm not kidding; how could I make something like that up?] to every whiz-bang goofball special effect in betweeen, The Mummy Returns set out to be a big, stupid summer movie and that's exactly what it is. If you have to see one dumb movie this summer -and you know you do- you could do worse than seeing The Mummy Returns.
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