So let's say you want to make an action movie. Fair enough, there's always a market for a good action flick. Even better, you could base it on something that's already a proven seller like say... a video game. It would seem that an action movie based on a video game where the characters do nothing but fight each other would practically write itself. A sure thing. Money in the bank. Looks great on paper. Then how do you explain "Street Fighter: The Motion Picture"?
This is an odd choice for one of the first movies to grace this column, but the staff here at Guillame have never felt like doing things in a predictable, or even comprehensible, way.
Having re-watched this movie recently in order to prepare for this column, I was struck by how singularly bad it was. I tried every trick I could think of to make the movie interesting for me, since the film by itself wasn't doing the trick. I tried looking for unintentional symbolism, but even when Guile [played by Jean Claude "Muscles from Brussels" Vann Damme] drives a missle launcher throught the side of building, there's not even a hint of phallic overtones. [Side note: Phallic symbols are pretty much the highbrow equivalent of fart jokes.] Next, I tried to make a drinking game out of it by taking a sip whenever a scene made me roll my eyes in exasperation, while taking a gulp everytime I thought about how many careers became stalled out because of this movie. I soon noticed that this meant I was drinking pretty much non-stop, so I decided to just drink until the movie started to make sense. Unfortunatly, the opposite happened; I became a slurring, sensless drunk while the movie slouched ahead in all it's incomprehensible glory. Even the haze of alcohol didn't make things like an invisible boat, excessive use of Kylie Mignoe, red camoflague [where on earth would you blend in with THAT?], or that Bison [the late Raul Julia] appearantly made all of his money by fixing sporting events any easier to appreciate.
A friend I had cajoled into also watching the film noted to me -while I was still somewhat sober- that the film didn't seem to be aimed at anyone, it was too violent for kids, yet there wasn't enough sex and violence to keep older viewers interested. I like that assesment, "Street Fighter, The Motion Picture": a movie the whole family can hate together. Plus, it makes clear that the movie isn't even trying to be anything other than escapist entertainment. It's not trying to be the next "Rashamon" or any other movie that challenges you intellectually; it's set it's sights at the level of "Roadhouse" but manages to miss even that.
So could anything be done to salvage this movie? Sure. Just think... what other movie genre features wildly drawn characters, cheap sets, and production numbers that just keep getting bigger and bigger? Musicals, of course! Pulling on the tradition of those tired old Crosby/Hope "On the Road to..." movies, the movie could be re-titled "Street Fighter: On the Road to Shadaloo." That way, the characters could break into song whether the situation called for it or not. Plus, corny dialogue sounds better when it's rhymed and set to a beat. Imagine it, instead of fight choreographers, they could stuff the set with actual choreographers so that every time the characters get ready to kung-fu it out, they break into a synchronized dance routine instead. The final fight for Shadaloo could be a rousing show-stopper of a number where dozens of extras tap dance as well as they can in combat boots until they get blown off of catwalks by explosions timed to the drum beat.
Action movies are a dime a dozen, but a new musical is a pretty rare thing. So even if it stunk as a musical as much as it did as an action film, at least it would be remembered for being unique. Boy, if I keep thinking up million dollar ideas like this, I'll single-handedly save Hollywood yet.
Anything to add? If so, drop me a line at gleep9@hotmail.com
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