There are several important things a man must do in his life. Things such as coming to terms with their place in the universe, contributing to the society from which they came, and ranking barbarian movies. Since most women only watch barbarian movies under duress it's up to the male of the species to not only watch but quantify the host of barbarian movies that exist out there. It's not surprising that so many men enjoy barbarian movies since they feature big chested, scantily clad women [and big chested, scantily clad men for those guys that swing that way] lots of action scenes of characters running around, and the underlying nostalgia for a simpler, nonexistent time when all the problems in life could be solved by whacking at them with an axe. Since I'm male it's my right, nay, my duty, to discuss The Scorpion King and it's place in the realm of barbarian flicks.

The Scorpion King stars Dwayne Johnson, also known by the objectifying name of "The Rock," as the Scorpion King, or Mathayus, or The Rock in everything but name only. He and his two brothers [I think one of them is actually given a name] are assassins who are hired to off the sorceress Cassandra [Kelly Hu] who's helping the movie's bad guy Memnon [Steven Brand] conquer the locals. Trouble is, Mathayus underestimates Cassandra's magical hymen that allows her to see the future so his brothers get whacked in an ambush and he gets captured. After escaping being attacked by a swarm of cartoon ants it's up to Mathayus to lead a rag-tag group of heroes including a side kick so nondescript I have no idea who he was or who played him, a spunky little kid, and Michael Clarke Duncan as Balthazar, the other big dude in the movie, against the forces of evil. Or something like that. Does it really matter with a movie like this?

I'm enough of a letch to admit I enjoyed watching Kelly Hu play peek-a-boob with her hair and flimsy costumes but I wouldn't mind seeing her in something other than The Scorpion King where I could see a bit more of her talents. Okay, it was hard to miss seeing the physical side of her talents in this flick but you know what I mean. As it was she did an okay job of standing around and looking pretty while falling for Mathayus for no other reason than that he's the guy who's name is on the title.

While on the subject of Mathayus quite a bit of ink has been spilled hailing Mr. Rock as the second coming of Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm not sure why the world needs someone to make more movies like Commando but how does Da Rock do in his first starring role? Eh. He's large, I'll give him that but being a Super Sized McAction Hero does not mean he's matinee material. Rock-a-dock seemed to display a majority of his acting range by making his eyes occasionally pop out of his head Don Knotts style since his delivery of his sparse dialogue had all the emotional impact of a politician reading a concession speech. Perhaps he was trying to distance himself from his wrestling persona -I'm unfamiliar with rassslin' and the people involved in it so this is conjecture on my part- but he forgot to make sure Mathayus was a character in his own right. I think I would have liked the movie more if it had centered on Michael Clarke Duncan's character instead.

For that matter why does he get to go around calling himself the Scorpion King? At one point he gets stabbed with some scorpion poison [Mathayus is a very accident prone hero] and while healing him Cassandra gravely intones "If he survives this he will always have the blood of the scorpion in his veins." During the summer I get bit and stung by all manner of critters but I don't think they stay in my bloodstream for the rest of my life nor do I think getting stuck by something qualifies me for a special title like "Mosquito Man" or "Chigger Boy."

But how does The Scorpion King rank among other barbarian movies? While it's obvious that The Scorpion King wants desperately to be the next Conan the Barbarian [even going so far as to cop Conan's poster line of "Thief, Warrior, Gladiator, King" as "Warrior, Legend, King"] but Mathayus does a poor job of filling Conan's furry bikini briefs. That preceding line sounds so very wrong but I'm going to keep going and pretend I didn't see it. Instead, The Scorpion King is more like the inferior Conan the Destroyer or maybe a less inspired episode of Xena: Warrior Princess. If the original Beastmaster is checked out and you have the urge to see a barbarian movie I guess The Scorpion King fits the bill. There, that's a good line to sell the movie with- The Scorpion King: At least it's better than the Beastmaster sequels.

Questions, comments, and discussion about the riddle of steel can be sent to gleep9@hotmail.com. Head on back to either the Third Movie or Main page before Mathayus turns into a big, cheap looking bug and has to fight Brendan Frasier.