With particular emphasis on Marcus's recent smurf collection which just seemed to be about four or five different ways of saying Jack-Off Smurf, you have neglected to consider the demographic base so necessary in getting a wide viewer audience for the GFS Smurf Power-Hour Ass-Kick-O-Rama. I have constructed a small sampling of smurves to appeal to the widest base of viewers.
Busta Rhyme Smurf - a jive talking, backward smurf cap wearing smurf who raps and wears sunglasses. Wears those baggy "relaxed fit" smurf pants. "Half Joe Camel/half Arthur Fonzerelli/from New York City/this smurf's real cool/he's the fool you pity." Think "Poochie the Dog" in Smurf village. To appeal to the 17 - 25 year old male audience.
Bob de Plumber Smurf - the pot-bellied working class stiff, appealing to the 28 - 49 year old blue collar crowd. Lives in the Queens section of Smurf village. Think Dan Connors from "Roseanne." Drinks smurf beer & watches smurfball on the couch. Doesn't participate in the annual smurf dance, but is the first one to the communal dinner trough. He's the smurf you call when your car won't start or the fuse is blown. A lot more blue collar than Handy or Hefty, who have been dropped from the show.
The Nanny Smurf - appeals to whatever demographics watch The Nanny. Once we know for certain, we'll round up this section of the public for immediate liquidation. A nasal, thin, bulemic smurf in loud clothing, with a piercing, annoying laugh. Tends to get into easily avoidable situations, and winds up locking herself in closets or out on window ledges, or finding a way to dump flour or potting soil on Mr. Mooney.
Tinkly-Winkly Smurf - to get the viewers at the earliest possible age, we have added a "Tele-Tubby" version of the smurfs. A vapid & stupid infant smurf with a tv antenna on its head. It prattles & giggles & says cute shit like "I wuv oo, Da-Da Smoof." Great for the Toy of the Season, like Shoot 'Em Up, Elmo was last year.
Gen-X Smurf (haven't thought of an appropriate name) - just take one of those sleaszy, greasy brain dead punks from a Mountain Dew commerical & put him in an ill-fitting 'seventies retro smurf outfit. Wears orange tinted glasses, has his scraggly goatee, has no ambition, but likes his Extreme sports, or drifts around aimlessly in a VW Jetta, singing Da-Da-Da, picking up whatever stray couches he may find on street corners.
and last and least,
Southern California Smurf (again, still waiting on an appropriate name. Prob. Dylan and Yasmine Smurf) - the buff surfer & large breasted shamelessly peroxide blond life-guard smurfs in tight red smurf outfits, leaving nothing to the imagination. This'll trap whatever remaining demographics we haven't already captured.
Add to this some combination of a monkey, a jive talking robot, and two multi- ethnic human children (to replace Pee Wee & Johann) and I think we have a winner.
-Stone Cold Groove Smurf
Editor's note: Look, the thing is Shriner Micah became obsessed with the Smurfs recently and has been pestering me to no end that I should post Smurf articles, Smurf links, and any other manner of Smurf related nonsense. I've been resisting mightily, but I felt I should put up some piece of all this odd Smurf discussion that I've been involved in recently.
Anyway, if you want to shoot the Smurf, drop me a line at gleep9@hotmail.com. Now Smurf out of here to either the Pop Culture section, or the main page.
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