Well, here's a completly pointless series of movies to review. A good chunk of the population has already seen these movies, so nobody is going to be swayed one way or the other by what I say here. But that's never stopped me before, so why should it bother me now?
I finally managed to sit down and watch all three of the "new" enhanced versions of these movies. First off, Star Wars itself. I actually shelled out money to see this one again in the theater. What amazed me was how many people wanted to see this thing as well, a pretty impressive trick for a movie that was celebrating it's twentieth anniversary. Lines stretched out of the theatre, lines full of people whom seemed to be more jazzed about seeing the thing than I was.
To get myself more in the mood for the film, as well as to kill some time since I couldn't get into the screening I wanted, I went to grab a bite to eat at Taco Bell which was busy running a promotional tie-in with Star Wars [as if the movie needed more publicity]. Well, that was a mistake for two reasons. One, Taco Bell didn't earn the nickname "Taco Hell" without just cause- I'd forgotten just how bad the food was. Two, the promotion the store was running was "Feel the Force." The game cards were heat-sensitive, and would temporarly show the contest results when exposed to a small amount of heat, such as from being pressed to some exposed skin. The game encouraged people to "use the force" to see if they won by pressing the game card to their foreheads. I just chuckled at the idea, and held the card between my thumb and forefinger until it revealed that -big shock- I hadn't won. But with a quick glance around the dining room, I saw at least three morons sticking the cards to their foreheads, taking it off to see it the answer had been revealed, and then sticking it back to their foreheads hoping they get an answer they liked. Did these people have no common sense, or even the ability to realize they were making themselves look stupid in public? Was this the type of people I was going to spend nintey mintues with in a dark theatre? Oh boy.
Well, I finally did see Star Wars and I must say, I was... kinda bored. Maybe it was because I was familiar with the movie since I was a lil'shriner, but it wasn't the swashbuckling adventure I quite remembered it as. It sort of turned into a game of me testing my memory by trying to pick out what was new and what wasn't. That didn't turn out to be too hard. The new pieces were pretty obvious; I honestly thought Boba Fett was going to wave to the audience when he stopped and stared straight into the camera. Plus, the sound -especially the sound effects- was really jacked up. Every explosion rattled like someone had stuck a metal trash can over my head and banged on it with a baseball bat. I've been to punk concerts that were more restrained. In spite of all the audio tweaking, when Luke [played by Mark Hamill] jumps out of his ship after blowing up the Death Star and calls out to Princess Leia [played by Carrie Fisher] he still screams, clear as day, "Carrie!" Nice one, Mark- er, Luke.
Plus, I started to notice plot holes I hadn't noticed when I saw the movie the first time [I was only five at the time, but that's not an excuse.] A lot of them were silly little things [Leia refers to Han Solo {Harrison Ford} as "flyboy" before she's even met him] but there was one major gaffe I couldn't believe I'd never noticed before. After they escape from the Death Star, Leia notes that they were allowed to escape, so the Empire could find the hidden Rebel base. If they knew they were being tracked, WHY THE HELL DID THEY FLY STRAIGHT TO THE HIDDEN REBEL BASE? Sheesh.
Anyways, I passed on seeing the other two movies again until they hit video. When I finally sat down to watch The Empire Strikes Back I was impressed by how much better the movie was than it's predecessor. A cohesive plot and good direction made the movie flow really well. In fact, the noodling that was done to this one was, at best, not needed and at worst, it actually weakened the movie. New effects were added to the Cloud City sequence for the purpose of opening up the sets. Too bad, considering the cramped, closed corridors in the first version created a sense of tension even before it was revealed that the whole thing was a trap. Plus, there were some random shots inserted of Darth Vader just sort of wandering around pointlessly. I'm surprised there wasn't a shot of him sneaking out for a quick cigarette before his showdown with Luke. Sort of a case of things being fixed when they worked fine in the first place. Oh, I did get a good laugh at Luke's wailing upon learning about his heritage from Vader. The first time through, the news was such a shock that nobody noticed just how funny Luke's reaction is. "NOOOOOOOO!!!" Heh.
[Confession time: I still have a soft spot for Boba Fett and all those bounty hunters that the Empire hired. They were favorites of mine when I was younger. Yes, I was a fan of a group of characters who had work-for-hire morals. I'm not sure what says about the person I eventually grew up to be.]
With Return of the Jedi, it was back to plots that worked only because people liked the movie, rather than because of anything that was actually on the screen. After the first, fun half of the movie with Jabba and his clan, the action shifts to another Death Star battle. The whole space battle is cool as all get-out, too bad it's intercut with the second fight with Luke and Vader, and the introduction of those walking product placements, the Ewoks.
I'm going to come right out and say it: I hate the Ewoks. Nevermind the whole idea that battle-trained Imperial troops armed with all manner of kill-o guns can be defeated by chubby teddy bears half their size, teddy bears armed only with rocks and sticks. What's amazing is that the Empire didn't exterminate the Ewoks the moment they set down on the planet. This is the same group who has gone around blowing up planets to make a point, or who will flash-fry Luke's extended family members without a moment's hesitation- in other words, this is a group that doesn't fool around. The precaution of clearing out the locals doesn't seem that odd of an idea. Or at least they could've trimmed away some of the trees around the base so the wilderness wasn't immediately outside. Or did the commander of the base like the view?
Thankfully, the movie's ending was changed to general shots of people around the galaxy celebrating the Empire's defeat, as opposed to listening to the Ewoks squak out a victory tune. Having the series end with an alien rendition of "The Teddy Bear's Picnic" wasn't too impressive the first time around. Too bad they couldn't of edited out the scenery-chewing Emporer as well. Never has the embodiment of evil been so hammy.
But like I stated at the beginning of this piece, this is pretty much a series that's impossible to review. Fans of the movie love it in spite of any problems that the movie may have. Boy, are there fans of these movies. They're name is Legion, and it seems they all have lots of spending cash. An informal stroll through the mall revealed any manner of Star Wars paraphenalia. There were action figures designed for children who probably weren't born before the last movie came out. All the characters had huge barrel chests as well, like the characters had been pumping iron when not out kicking stormtrooper butt. Must of been one of the film enhancements I missed. Plus there were t-shirts, caps, posters, stationary, stuffed Ewoks, books and anything else that could possibly have the Star Wars name stamped on it. My personal favorite bit of lunacy was the life-sized version of Han Solo after he had been frozen up like a TV dinner. What on earth would that be good for? None of Han's body parts stuck out far enough to hang coats on, so it's uses seemed limited at best.
Even more impressive, this series of movies somehow clicked with people all over. A friend of mine happened to be in Thailand when the movies were back in the theatres. For some reason she took a group of Burmese refugees she was working with to see Empire. This was a group of people who had never seen a Hollywood movie once in their lives. The amazing thing is, they really dug it. They managed to draw all sort of parallels between the fantastic story and the political strife that was taking place in their own country. That's a view of the movie I never would've thought of.
But why these movies? What was it about a movie that owes more than a bit of a debt to Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress that made it into a three picture multi-media cottage industry? Beats me. But while the movies themselves are fine, I don't like the changes they've made to Hollywood. Since these movies have made more money than God, the me-too attitude of Hollywood ended up creating the yearly gamble of trying to make -hopefully- the next big summer blockbuster or the next three picture franchise. That's why movies like The Apostle can come and go without people hearing about them, but movies coming out this summer have had the PR machines going for them since the year before [such as the upcoming Godzilla movie being promoted during Men In Black]. Having the studios funnel all their money into large movies is palatable if the final product is at least entertaining, but when films like Waterworld are the result... Mind you, this is a topic for a whole different rant. Back to a galaxy far, far away.
Anyways, the Star Wars movies are fun, so you might want to check out at some point if you're one of the fateful few who haven't seen them yet. You could probably skip the enhanced versions, tho'. Plus, you'd better check them out before the next three Star Wars movies hits the screen; you don't want to be left out of the social phenomenon sequel, do you?
Anything to say on the subject? If so, drop a line at gleep9@hotmail.com Otherwise, use the force to either go back to the movie page or the main page.
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