Okay, so the new Star Wars movie is out which means seven year olds of all ages are delighted. There's no real point in discussing the movie since not only have rabid fans and ribald critics already spent far too much time over-analyzing the thing, they will continue to drone on until the next flick comes along. Instead, I'll discuss the more important aspect of the film; the merchandising. A quick trip to the mall provided more than enough Star Wars baubles to satisfy even the most die-hard fan. Here's a quick, incomplete summary:
Toys
Plenty of action figures and starships for sale. There's something odd about the idea that Ewan McGregor and Samuel L. Jackson have action figures bearing their likenesses, but at least they're recognizable. Even after having seen the movie I couldn't identify some of the characters that are already out. Plus, I'm sure every critter from every crowd scene will get a plastic totem made of them eventually. There were also foot-tall dolls of some of the more prominent characters [nothing shows the blurring of gender roles more clearly than testosterone laden dolls.] If you wanted to mix and match your doll lines, you could have Jar Jar take it on the chin as part of a G.I. Joe hazing ritual gone awry or have Queen Amidala and Darth Maul be the ultimate D.I.N.K.s [Double Income, No Kids] who lord their success over everyone, especially when they go out on a double date with Ken and Barbie.
Other items worth noting were kiddie Jedi kits that included Halloween masks made up to look like Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor. Just strap that stuff on, put on a brown bathrobe, and you're ready to go use the Force!
The kookiest item was either the Jabba the Hutt toy that burps up goo and lizards [eew!] or the Obi-Wan fake hair braid clip-on [EEW!]
Books
What sort of movie would The Phantom Menace be if it didn't have literary tie-ins? If you don't want to be distracted by the flashy effects, acting, or anything else that might draw your attention away from the plot holes found in the movie's story, you can pick up one the surprisingly thick novel adaptations of the film. Even better, the book comes with four different covers that feature giant mug shots of different characters from the film. I guess the books are designed to be sold to people who have already seen the film; how else is the potential buyer supposed to know which character cover to buy unless they're already familiar with the characters from having seen the movie? Either that, or they expect the fans to be insane enough to buy the same hard back book just for four different dust jackets.
Other books ranged from technical journals that described the technology and aliens in wonderfully geeky, obsessive detail, to children's books who's main plot seemed to involve having Jar Jar fall down a lot.
Oddities
It seems George Lucas never saw a licensing deal he didn't like. How else do you explain things like mechanized lollipop rotators that feature the likenesses of various characters, all of whom have the sucker stick protruding from the top of their heads while it spins? Or inflatable chairs that look like the characters? Exactly who would pay money to sit in Darth Maul's lap? I sincerely hope the actors are getting a percentage of the royalties from these things, otherwise they're going to have to spend the rest of the summer being constantly reminded that they're not getting a cent from all the merchandizing when they see everyone and their grandma walking around in Star Wars t-shirts. There is also a bizarre ad campaign featuring Colonel Sanders from Kentucky Fried Chicken [a person whom I thought had been long dead from eating fried food] a woman from Pizza Hut, and the Che Guevera styled Chihuahua from Taco Bell teaming up to battle the dark side of the Force. The less said about this series of commercials, the better.
In reality, the movie itself is almost secondary to the tie-ins. How many other movies can boast that they have fountain drink toppers that look like the upper torso of several of the characters? Or that you can by a grinning Darth Maul cookie jar that allows you to remove his skullcap to get at the sweetstuff? Or the ultimate in kitsch- Star Wars Pez dispensers? How many other movies would even want to make those boasts?
Okay, I feel like the happy little consumer now. Comments? Drop me a line at gleep9@hotmail.com. Use the Force to head on back to either the movie or main page.
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