Jokes

The members of United Association of Lady Vegetarians were attending their annual picnic. They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the food to be served, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene. Everyone ran for safety, while the raging bull ran after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red umbrella. By great good fortune she got over the stile before the bull could reach her. While regaining her breath, she turned around. "Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she said! "I have been a vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"

A ladies' club gathering had a speaker lecturing on "What's Wrong with the Movies Today."
"The one I saw last night," he said, "is the worst movie I have ever seen.. It has violence, arson, rape, cannibalism, murder and
perversion. If anything will justify censorship, this horrendous picture will do it. Are there any questions ladies?"
"Yes,"cried three ladies in the audience simultaneously, "Where's it playing?"

At the the hospital, a young lady walked boldly up to a woman whom she took to be the superintendent.
"May I see Captain Foster, please?" she asked.
"May I ask who you are?"
"Certainly. I am his sister."
"Well, well. I'm glad to meet you. I'm his mother."

The coach of a football team that had just been beaten, grumbled that he was not implying that the players from the other team at so-and-so University are semi-literates who get paid under the table. "I'm simply saying that on the first occasion that the 240-pound fullback of theirs won his varsity letter, somebody had to read it to him."

When Mrs.Jones was paid the amount of insurance her husband had carried, the agent for the life insurance company asked her to take out a policy on her own life. "She responded, I believe I will, because my husband was very lucky with his."

At the weekly poker game, the town's most notorious deadbeat boasted "I give my little woman a check every Saturday night to put it aside for a rainy day." "That's very good," one of his many creditors sarcastically commented.
"She can sew them all together and make a rubber raincoat."

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says: "I agree completely...... ....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast *is* hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Mam, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

These three old men were sitting on a park bench. The first one says, "It sure is tough getting old. Every morning I get up and have to stand in front of the toilet for twenty minutes trying to pee, and after all that time, all I get is a dribble." The second one says "You think that is bad, every morning I get up and sit on the toilet and grunt and groan for twenty minutes, and all I get is a little rabbit turd. The third man says "Well, every morning at eight O'Clock I pee a gallon and take a huge dump!" The other two men look at each other, then at him and ask what's wrong with that? And he says, "I don't wake up until nine!"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

At this all girl private school the track team wasn't doing so well, so they brought in a new track coach. After watching them lose repeatedly, he decided to put them all on steroids. After this they win all their meets, go to regionals, states, and then nationals and win. Well one day one of the girls goes up to her coach and says, hey coach I have hair on my chest. The coach then says, how far down does it go?? She then replies, down to my balls and that's another thing we have to talk about.

What do blondes and computers have in common?

you dont appreicate either one till they go down on you

A man took his dog to the Vet. He said, "Dr,, I think my dog is dead." The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said "Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars." The man said, "$500 and 35 dollars! What for?" The Vet said, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

A man goes into a bar with a dog and sits down at the counter and places the dog on the next stool. "Let me have a beer" says the man, and the dog says "I'll have one too!" The bartender laughs and says "what are you a ventriloquist or something?" The man says "No, he is a talking dog," and the dog says "that's right-where's me beer?" Well the bartender gives them a beer and after talking to them for a while he realizes this is for real. Finally, being out of cigarettes he asks the owner if his dog can get him some butts down the street. The owner says he never has, but I'm sure he can. So the bartender gives the dog ten dollars for a carton of cigarettes and sends the dog on its way. Half an hour later when the dog doesn't return the two men get worried and go out looking for the dog. Finally, they pass an alley and there's his dog screwing another dog. The owner says to his dog, "I don't understand, you never did this before." And the dog says "I never had ten dollars before!"

Late For The Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice

. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Superman was feeling bored one day so he went to Batman and asked him out to play. However Batman said that he has to fix his batmobile so that he can fight crime the next day. So Superman went to Spiderman and saked him to come out and play. Spiderman was hoever fixing his webshooter and thus couldn't come out and play. So Superman went flying around till he saw wonderwomand stark naked on her balcony. Thinking that he could fly at the speed of light, he could go in and out so fast that she wouldn't know what hit her. SO, Superman went in and out and flew away with a satisfied smirk. Back at the Balcony, Wonderwoman asked Invisible man what the hell happened. Invisible man said" Damn if I know but what ever it was, my ass sure hurts like hell.!!"

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fir?", and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with it.

How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day? When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"