The Fart List

THE ANTICIPATED FART

This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives.

A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time

when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART

This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by

odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an

eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to

the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in

the back seat?

THE BARN OWL FART

A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any

morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds

talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends.

If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down

notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART

Its single and most pronounced diagnostic Characteristic is its sound. It

sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can

startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the

more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART

This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long

periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it

is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for

the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the

teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART

This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house

sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any

further.

THE CUSHIONED FART

A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side,

sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the

cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully

without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but

usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART

The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason

it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you

can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the

most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little

disappointed.

THE ECHO FART

This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in

an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart

that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a

pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART

This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone.

Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L

stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even

when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART

A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone

and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet

no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but

some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART

This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages

to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a

Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or

"Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably

as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART

The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to

himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading

away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he

has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART

The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally

a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled.

If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed

for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART

The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a

falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the

odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What

was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART

Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly

like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

HE OH MY GOD FART

This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts a fart that smells

like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever

encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be

understandable.

THE OMEN FART

This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is

that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head

for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART

Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic

Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he

is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure

and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there

is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART

A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles,

then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass

Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART

You must not be fooled by its Pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most

frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has

a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length.

It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter

unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong,

loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART:

Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense

of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what

a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART

This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is

a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it

likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can

take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART

The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is the most dry

and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would

have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART:

S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common

farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much.

You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes

a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART

A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People

back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of

half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART

The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest

Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house

and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses

and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit

or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART

Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It

probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART

If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that

can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as

pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart

that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after

considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART

The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk

Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will

get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART

Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations

where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not

miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART

Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and

say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART

A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort

of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!