Check out your horoscope!

ARIES

You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are

quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work

like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing

but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are

bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This

means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER

You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They

think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that's why

you'll always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.

LEO

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos

are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance

is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.

VIRGO

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to

your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making

love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers.

LIBRA

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a

man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment or monetary gain

are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal

disease.

SCORPIO

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the

pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a

son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on

luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and drug

addicts. People laugh at you a great deal because you're always getting

fucked.

CAPRICORN

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of

anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Capricorns delight in decorating statues with their puny turds.

AQUARIUS

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. On the other

hand, you lie a great deal, and are inclined to be careless. You are

impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over. Everyone

thinks you are stupid.

PISCES

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the

CIA or FBI. You have much influence over your associates and people hate

you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a coward. Pisces

people screw small animals.