101 Reasons Why Chicago
Sucks

by Emile St. Claire

Updated January 26, 2004

I won't be updating this page anymore.
I've already spent more time thinking about Chicago than anyone needs to.
Thanks to everyone for your help in creating the list, though!

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"I'm glad I'm not Chicago."
- friend, in response to my legendary hatred for Chicago

"Having to live in Chicago is its own penalty."- LA's Channel 5,
commenting on the fighting between fans of the Dodgers and Chicago Cubs in 2000

Why create this page?

I'm sick of people telling me how great Chicago is.
Sure, anything's great for a week, but try 17 years.
It's about time someone educate the public about the dark underbelly of Chicago.
I grew up there and Chicago deserves no love.

You will find that many agree

I receive as much love mail as hate mail each week.

m1super90a posted this in my guestbook, perhaps summing it best:
"It's frustrating that people don't know just how tragic a place it is!
My observation has been that those who like Chicago either are from there or have never lived there.
When you suggest moving out of the region, how many times has a Chicagoan replied 'What's wrong with this place?'
It's the mantra of those who don't know any better. It seems everyone there gets out of high school, gets married,
has kids, gets fat, and then lives 10 miles from their parents. When asked 'Where else have you lived?'
they generally give you the name of some nearby suburb.
That's not 'somewhere else' to most people, but it is to them."

It's all my opinion.

So, enjoy or don't.
Comment or don't.
It won't change your mind and it certainly won't change mine.
But damn, chill out! I'm not talking about your mama.

Also, this site has nothing to do with Noah Taylor,
which anyone with two brain cells to rub together would have figured out.
But for those who aren't so endowed,
please read the disclaimer at the bottom of the page.

To those who are visiting from Time Out, um, hi?
Why did they link to this site anyway?

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[General] [Transportation] [Social/Political]
[Things to Do/Culture] [History] [Music] [Television/Movies] [Sports]
[Disclaimer]

General

It's part of the Midwest.

It's located in the state of Illinois.

Thinks it's New York, but it so is not.

The wind in the winter.

The humidity and fatal heat waves in the summer.

Blizzards which literallly trap you inside your house.

You'd think Chicago would be safe from earthquakes, but it's not... try feeling one of those on an elevated train. And Chicago's due for a slew of them in 30-40 years. You think the Sears Tower is earthquake proof?

Lame nicknames: "Chi-town," "The Windy City" and "The City of Big Shoulders"

The city and surrounding areas combined are known as Chicagoland.

Was once aptly known as the "Mudhole of the Prairie."

It used to be known as the best city to raise your kids. Which means it was boring.

Now it's one of the most dangerous cities in America, thanks to crack. So it doesn't even have safety to recommend it.

From Spiderbites: "Gun Control, that's really working well. We've held the # 1 or 2 spot for murder capitol how many years running?"

The Chicago.com website is just a lame-ass link page my ADD-addled cat could have put together.

From Randall: "A postal system infamous for their ability to deliver only a fraction of the mail actually sent."

It shares my birthday. This is an embarassment.

Transportation

Narrow roads obviously not made for high-traffic in a city where you need to drive to get anywhere.

The L Trains - so bad and rickety that Chicagoans go to New York and marvel at the subway system.

When the L trains are running late, the problem is corrected by skipping over half the stops.

CTA buses, which travel in herds. This means you have to wait an hour before your choice of 3 buses come to pick you up.

All the express buses are on the North Side, where most Black people don't live.

The Dan Ryan, arguably the most congested expressway in Chicago, has a speed limit of 55. Lake Shore Drive, arguably the least congested expressway in Chicago, has a speed limit of 45. Did you know that? I found out the hard way. Beware the cops who hide behind the overpass at the McCormick Place. See? I'm provding a service through my hatred for the city.

From the cleveland.com forum: "That person forgot to mention the the Illinois Tollway. Who ever heard of a toll system in a major metropolitan area that makes people stop every few miles to pay 40 cents? This is a system that crooked politicians hide behind. And on that note, from Randall: The second worst traffic snarl in the country. But don't tell a Chicagoan…"all cities have bad traffic." [And] the first step towards abating toll roads is to raise the fee over the next 20 years."

From m1super90a: "The public road system is so inadequate that the notion "you don't need a car" is stated as though the lack of need caused the lack of roads, rather than vice versa."

From Leah: "[You forgot to mention] that poor man's link to suburbia, Metra. The way to really fly, if I remember correctly, was orange and had loos that permanently stank of piss and whatever the previous occupant was smoking."

T. Larmena had this to add about Metra: "What is the real point of Metra making stops between downtown and Riverdale?
For the rich folk in Hyde Park?"

Also from T. Larmena: "Interstate 290" does not connect any states."

And: "Homeless in other cities ask for money, whereas here they ask for freakin BUS FARE!! These homeless people need some training..."

And: "Are we that desperate for money that we needed used buses from Seattle?"

Social/Political

Racial segregation you can map by street.

If you ever visit Marynook, a neighborhood on the South Side, you'll find it inhabited mostly by light-skinned Black people. This is a result of the original white inhabitants selling the houses only to those who could pass the "brown paper bag" test in the 1950's. It's eerie.

Rich people on the South Side live in a neighborhood called Beverly Hills. How unoriginal can you be? (By the way, if you meet someone from Beverly Hills, be sure to call him or her a Bev Rat. They looooove that.)

Politics is a high point of everyone's day. And it's dominated by ignorant blue-collar Democrats.

When Harold Washington ran for mayor, lifelong Democrats went Republican just to insure that a Black man would not be elected mayor. An example of the anti-Harold campaign: "Bernard Epton. Before it's too late." Harold won anyway. Bwahahahahahahaha!

When Harold Washington died, households across the West Side held celebratory parties. These words were uttered at my high school: "One down, two million to go."

The Chicago Housing Authority. From Tim: Too damn many condo conversions - maybe it is a way to blow off Section 8, since Chicago still has quite a racist mindset (most Section 8 residents are African-American).

And on that note, I've since been told by friends of mine that the cost of living in Chicago has become so high that the poor are moving, ironically, to the suburbs.

The only cool integrated neighborhoods, Wicker Park, Lincoln Park and Hyde Park, are so small and so popular you can never find parking. And out of those three, darker-skinned people generally should not be caught walking around Lincoln Park after sunset.

Says Jimmy: "The trendiest neighborhoods such as Wicker Park are becoming overrun with kids from suburbs such as Winnetka and Hinsdale who have parents that pay for their rents AND cars."

Richard Daley.

Richard Daley, Jr. (From Randall: A mayor so inarticulate that he makes Mike Tyson sound like a poet laureate. And from Bob: He is nothing more than some fat old left over demagogue. His kind needs to be kicked to the curb).

Wards. Aldermen.

Still has one of the worst education systems in the country.

To this, T. Larmena adds: "[Chief Executive Officer of the Chicago Public Schools] Arne Duncan is a meathead."

From Randall: "The fattest cops money can buy. The majority of the criminals wear a badge."

From btyhntr: "Chicago bleeds the rest of the state dry for tax money and then squanders it or flat out steals it. The rest of the state suffers at the hands of Chicago!. I would like it seperated from the rest of the state and declared a district. Chicago DC, District of Chicago. Raise your own Taxes!"

From m1super90a: "In Chitown dilapidated housing costs a fortune and 'condos' are what the rest of us call high rise apartments."

From T. Larmena: "Chicago is one of the cities that have cultivated and nourished this dialect known as Ebonics."

And: "Even the garbage men complain about their pay."

Things to Do/Culture

The city shuts down at, like, 7pm.

So what do you suggest to visitors in Chicago? All museums all the time.

Chicagoans' idea of a hot bar was Dennis Rodman's ill-fated club. It didn't last, but when it was open, hoo boy, did people kill each other trying to get in.

There was a cool juice bar during the 80's called Medusa's - one of the few places teenagers had to hang out without drinking alcohol. City Hall shut it down.

A balanced diet in Chicago is Polish sausage and beer. And maybe spinach-stuffed pizza for lunch - gotta have that greenery.

On that note, several visitors have noted that Chicago is known as the fattest city in America. Do you know how much you have to eat to beat Milwaukee?!

Taste of Chicago, where drunk, sweaty people - to the tune of 1-2 million - pig out and walk the same cramped area while carrying their 10-20 empty beer cups stacked on top of each other as a sign of machismo.

The one Krispy Kreme donut shop in Chicago is located at Midway, the airport no one uses.

On St. Patrick's Day, the river is dyed green. You wouldn't notice the difference.

Speaking of which, don't pull a Ferris Bueller - you will be arrested. (From Bob: Parades. They have too many of them.)

The beaches are mostly concrete - a phenomenon so amazing that Simon Le Bon mentioned them in a song entitled "Edge of America."

Did I mention the water's polluted? I'm waiting for Lake Michigan to follow Ohio's example and catch on fire.

T. Larmena adds "When u go to Oak St. Beach, your foot goes in the water and it disappears."

When a major department store opens in Chicago, this is a big deal.

And still no decent movie/music memorabilia stores.

When I was growing up, Chicago had a beautiful skyline. These days, the genius in charge of urban planning thinks that it's a great idea to keep cluttering up the skyline with buildings that almost obscure the Sears Tower, one of the few things Chicago actually has going for it. On the plus side, all the skyscrapers actually keep the tornados away from the city (every once in a while, I begrudgingly squeeze out a compliment).

Those plexiglass cows which littered the streets of New York originated in Chicago. That's high culture.

In spite of prominence of the Art Institue of Chicago, most people think Chicago's Picasso is a horse.

Here's an example of people who like Chicago. Sad bastards.

The National Pig's Day celebration. Proof that Chicago ain't nothin' but an overgrown midwestern town.

From Leah: "You forgot to mention yuppies who think going to sports bars and gorging on steak counts as high culture."

Also from Leah: "I grew up around Lincoln Square where the opening of a new purple library was a big deal."

T. Larmena adds, "Stupid folks in -0 weather go for a "dip" in the lake during the early spring or winter." [Editor's note, in fairness, this is the Polar Bear Club which exists in other cities other than Chicago. It's still dumb.]

History

The stockyards. The look, the feel, the smell.

Most of the city was leveled in the Great Chicago Fire of1871 due to, according to legend, the clumsiness of a cow.

The truth is, the drunkard who owned the cow tipped over the lantern that started the fire. And the fact that he blamed it on a damn cow just sucks all the more.

Four buildings survived the fire. One of them was my wretched high school.

On this issue, T. Larmena adds, "What is the point of keeping a 100+ year old water tower? So what if it survived the fire-it sure didnt help put it out!"

I was born exactly a century after the fire. It's a conspiracy.

Determined to outdo itself in the Dumb-Ass Catastrophe category, Chicago followed up with the Great Flood of 1992, during which an antiquated tunnel system in downtown ruptured, sending a good portion of the Chicago River flowing down State Street and causing millions of dollars of damage.

Upton Sinclair's The Jungle was set in Chicago.

The legendary gangsters of the '20's were based in Chicago. From Randall Smith: "Celebrating the lawlessness and criminal behavior of the 20's thru one of Chicago's landmark restaurants."

The 1968 Democratic convention... and of course the riots it spawned.

The one city in which Martin Luther King couldn't make headway.

Music

The city's unofficial anthems, "Chicago (That Toddlin' Town)" and "My Kind of Town (Chicago Is)."

The band Chicago, without Peter Cetera. They were originally known as Chicago Transity Authority. The sheer lameness of this fact should give you a clue about bands that come out of Chicago.

Smashing Pumpkins.

Veruca Salt.

Vic Damone wrote a song called "On the South Side of Chicago." Why the hell would anyone think the South Side of Chicago warrants a song?

When bands do major tours, they often skip Chicago, which says everything.

Television and Film

John Hughes.

Probably the only city where Jerry Springer could thrive.

Most of the talented people from Chicago - such as Bernie Mac and Kathy Griffin - flee.

Lame people, nevertheless, manage to leave Chicago and make a name for themselves: Pat Sajak, Fred Savage and Jennifer Beals, the tragic mulatto herself.

Judy Tenuta is an example of what happens if you spend too much time in Chicago.

The new Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle movie is set Chicago.

The fact that Chicago is now considered a hot Hollywood property and you can't swing a cat without hitting a television show or film based and/or filmed in Chicago. If you don't believe me, here's a sampling:

• ER
• Chicago Hope
• Love Jones
• Soul Food
• Return to Me
• My Best Friend's Wedding
• Blues Brothers
• Straightman
• High Fidelity (originally set in London, but John Cusack thought Chicago made for a better story)
• Due South
• Cupid
• Early Edition
• Good Times
• Oprah Winfrey, natch
• The Fugitive
• While You Were Sleeping
• On the Line
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding
• Go Fish

According to Hollywood, all Black people live in Chicago.

Sports

The White Sox.

The Black Sox scandal.

The Chicago Cubs.

The Billy Goat Tavern "curse" associated with The Chicago Cubs.

Sports-related riots every time one of the sucky teams wins a game.

Or, god forbid, a championship. Hide your car!

The Super Bowl Shuffle.

The Bears won the championship, and this was such big news that we got half a day off from school - but only if we stood in sub-zero temperatures at the ticker tape homecoming parade.

When the Bears won, the lions in front of the Art Institute and the Picasso statue were adorned, nay, defaced, with blue and orange hats and scarves.

It's been downhill for the Bears since then. Says T. Larmena: "Why build a million-dollar football stadium for a sucky team?"

Da Bears. Da Bulls. Da accent.

Basketball-themed golf balls sold at the Michael Jordan stores.

From Stephen: "Cubs-Haven't won world series since about 1905. White-Sox Haven't won world series since about 1925. BlackHawks-Most people haven't even heard of em. Bears-A bunch of fat guys who will die to win 2 games in a seaon. Bulls-The team we all love to hate, they would never have won anythng without michael perfect jordan, and just look at some of the other people that have been on their eam, dennis rodman? that is an example of chicago scum."