As a result of certain unconfirmed rumors about the fate of everyone's favorite weasel, we decided that we would feel cheated by anything less than the most glorious, stupdenous tragic death of the agent known as Squeaky... should it ever come to that. So, 1013, if you're reading this, below are our suggestions for:

One Hundred and Onederful

Ways for Spender to Die

another fine product brought to you by the Death to Squeaky Squad

Otherwise known as Emile St. Claire and Freak No. 2

Originally posted January 1999

And here's the list in German
truly impressive!

 

"Gawd, you are a putz."

 

March 2, 1999 message: The above screen-capture is from The Ferret Cage, Drovar's great, high-quality site. No disrespect is intended on my part towards anyone who works long and hard out of love for a favorite character. If you're a fan of Spender's, you'll probably need a shower after reading this page, so cleanse youself with a visit the The Ferret Cage. Besides, you have to cut some slack to anyone who defends such a maligned character... and still gives a Spender-basher permission to use this picture!

My attitude, however, is still "go figure"... if you want a more informed perspective,
visit the
Anti-A**holes Brigade). ;->

 

1) Spontaneous combustion so we finally get to call him the Roasted Wiener.

2) On his way to the kitchen for his midnight snack (what do weasels eat anyway?), Spender slips on a banana peel at the top of the stairs and tumbles at least 3? 4? 5? flights of stairs. He lies unconscious at the bottom as the hired help gingerly step over him, thinking he's simply passed out after a night of drunken debauchery.

3) Chagrined his son has not shaped up to be the sterling lackey he'd hoped for, Cigarette Smoking Man runs him over in his Bentley, reversing several times to figure out why the new "speed bump" had been installed.

4) Spender finds out what happens to bad agents who run with scissors.

5) While performing on Karaoke Night, Spender gets strangled by the electric cords.

6) Fails to heed warning against playing with plastic bags.

7) Curiosity gets the best of Spender, and he removes the tag from the mattress.

8) Finds out what happens when you eat the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle.

9) Investigates further into the urban legend about bathtubs and missing kidneys.

10) Flies kite during an electrical storm.

11) Finds out the hard way his Cross pen in actually an alien stiletto.

12) Eats the mint in the men's urinal.

13) Walks into open elevator shaft in FBI building.

14) Smells gas in the house, lights a match to investigate.

15) Curious about the way burning flesh smells, well... you get the picture.

16) Drowns at drinking fountain.

17) Doesn't look both ways before crossing the street... in Washington DC traffic.

18) Accepts candy from a stranger.

19) Accepts "candy" from Krycek.

20) Thrown off mechanical bull.

21) Sucked through airplane toilet.

22) Decides to find out if teenage enema nurses really do exist.

23) Unwittingly adds the Unibomber to AOL buddy list.

24) After watching "A Christmas Story," decides to stick his tongue to a frozen pole.

25) Spots a quarter on the third rail at the subway and reaches for it.

26) Tapes mouth and nostrils down to cure that darn snoring.

27) Watches Peter Pan one too many times and really believes he just might be able to fly this time.

28) Bounces off trampoline, lands in street, Cigarette Smoking Man runs him over with his Bentley.

29) Co-workers decide to play Pin the Tail on the Jack-Ass. Literally.

30) Shoots himself during target practice... with paint gun.

31) Watches Dukes of Hazzard, decides to see if Gremlins can also pop wheelies.

32) Spender's Gremlin overheats, he unscrews the the radiator top immediately.

33) Throws water on a grease fire.

34) Decides to test what happens when you lick a battery.

35) Changes bulb to his porch light during a rain storm.

36) Purchases tarantula. Tries to teach it to roll over.

37) Does body shots with cleaning fluid.

38) Grabs Raid instead of Pam.

39) Cuddles up with pet porcupine.

40) Cuddles up with pet Man O' War.

41) Mistakes pet boa for feather boa.

42) Decides to test dogs' fascination with toilet water. Forgets to dump Tidy Bowl beforehand.

43) Forgets to change razor blades before shaving.

44) Mistakes mold on fruitcake for coconut topping.

45) Decides to eat old cheese since, after all - isn't that what cheese is made out of anyway? Mold?

46) Decides neighborhood Rottweiler seems friendly enough...

47) Decides to test out how Santa fits through all those chimneys.

48) No longer able to bear hearing Ike being referred to as "The Ugly Hanson," Spender throws himself in front of an oncoming train. He survives, but Cigarette Smoking Man runs him over in his Bentley while listening to 'N Synch.

49) Goes undercover as crack dealer.

50) Was always curious about the taste of electric plugs.

51) Gets hand stuck in garbage disposal, tries to loosen it by flicking the switch.

52) Mistakes calamine lotion for Pepto Bismol.

53) Decides to get honey directly from the source...

54) Visits New Orleans and gets talked into buying one of those darling little pincushion dolls.

55) Attempts to remove all nose hairs manually.

56) Decides to test out what an airbag would feel like upon impact, forgetting he doesn't have one.

57) Decides to assist electrical company by moving that pesky live wire.

58) Borrows Chris Carter's Duran Duran collection without asking.

59) Switches Mulder's sunflower seeds to jalapeño flavor before informing him.

60) Tells Mulder he really needs to get over the loss of "their" sister.

61) Tells Scully it's high time to get over the Emily Incident - it's not like she gave birth to her or anything.

62) Offers tissue to Skinner to clean his glasses... but it's the kind with lotion on it.

63) During the secret Santa swap, gives Skinner a toupee.

64) Asks Skinner to move his head; he's trying to see his reflection.

65) On a 110-degree summer day, Spender runs out of suntan oil and substitutes Crisco, nature's moisturizer.

66) Tries to stop oscillating fan with his tongue.

67) Sends Cigarette Smoking Man the URL to Nicotine Naughties (r.i.p. 1999).

68) Tells Fowley to get over Mulder; it's not as if he'd married her.

69) Tells Kersh, "I don't have to do what you tell me to because Daddy says so."

70) Tells Krycek to quit whining about being handicapped.

71) Tries to get his Dad off that nasty smoking habit; substitutes bubble gum cigarettes for Morleys.

72) Places whoopie cushion in Mulder's chair.

73) Plays Emile's set-watching drinking game and slips on grass.

74) Uses the immortal pick-up line "So what's your philosophy baby? Heh, heh, heh." (Click for details)

75) Having just watched "Ed Wood," calls Scully his poodle.

76) Calls Krycek honey. (There's a backstory for that one too.)

77) Tells Frohike his huevos rancheros are runny.

78) Doesn't read the directions for the Weed Wacker.

79) Or Flobie.

80) Spontaneously combusts over dilemma to watch "Dawson's Creek" or "90210."

81) Drinks expired milk because he thinks it's a new and improved chunky style.

82) Commits seppuku when he realizes Ross and Rachel might not get back together after all.

83) Decides to make body mold with nitro glycerin.

84) Death by Martha Stewart envy.

85) Runs to save kitty from falling over the ledge of his bedroom window, falls over in the process. Survives the fall but is run over by Cigarette Smoking Man's Bentley. The kitty is fine.

86) Remember that scuba diver who got scooped up from the Los Angeles River by the helicopter during the LA fires? Yeah, that.

87) Trampled at Spice Girls concert.

88) Lands wrong when he jumps off the top bunk bed.

89) Angers the tiki god.

90) Falls asleep in the path of Krycek's lawnmower (we figure the errands don't just stop at chauffeuring!). Survives, staggers into the street near-unconscious. CSM's Bentley finishes him off.

91) Unfortunate Chest Shaving Incident.

92) Calls Daddy without using 1-800-Collect.

93) Gets confused with rules of Russian Roulette.

94) Volunteers his services at the X-Files Christmas Office Party; ends up being the piñata.

95) While sitting in the audience for Jerry Springer during "You Slept with my Lesbian Narcoleptic Midget Lover with Tourette's Syndrome!" Spender gets involved after snapping his fingers and yelling out "Girl, you need to kick him to the curb!"

96) Death by extremely painful acne.

97) Places space heater next to bathtub.

98) Gets hit by a bat during air baseball. (Yes, there's a backstory to that as well.)

99) Victim of Unfortunate Thigh Master Incident.

100) Diana Fowley, enraged by Spender's constant prank calls during which he pretended to be a certain Fox Mulder waiting on his new waterbed for her, slips arsenic in Spender's Yoo-Hoo.

101) Inspired by the Mask of Zorro, takes up fencing, whereupon he slips on a banana peel during practice, tumbles at least 3? 4? 5? flights of stairs, lands outside and is promptly run over by Cigarette Smoking Man's Bentley.

 

Got better ideas for ways Spender could die?
Bring 'em on! We'll post them here and credit you.


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