Barenaked 90210
by Tyler Stewart
Everyone knows that Hollywood is littered with Canadians. Actors, comedians,
pop stars, even hockey players have invaded show biz in L.A. Virtually
every hit TV show has a Canadian or two in the cast and probably several
more behind the scenes. Beverly Hills, 90210 is a shining example. "How
do you know, drummer boy?" you may ask. "Because I played The Peach Pit
After Dark, muthafukka!"
Yes, you read it right. Barenaked Ladies, that formerly famous Canadian
band who sold albums to 1/28th of the country, is appearing on the March
31/April 2 episode of Beverly Hills, 90210. We were asked to be on the
show because we have several fans amongst the 90210 posse, the most famous
of which is Brandon Walsh himself, Mr. Jason Priestley.
"The Priest," -- as we, his cronies, call him -- directed the video
for our song "The Old Apartment," and is a Barenaked Ladies fan from way
back. The Priests' taste for all things Barenaked must have been infectious
amongst the gang at 90210, because they asked us to be part of their sexy
and dramatic world. "Ohmigod," I thought. "I'm gonna meet Valerie!"
As the tape date approached in early February, all sorts of imaginary
scenarios coursed through my 90210 -literate brain. (Yes, I watch the show.
Seven seasons of intrigue and implants means this show is fucking huge,
and everyone knows who Tori Spelling is, okay?)
Would we be written into the dialogue? Would The Priest direct the
episode? Could I possibly be the man of Jennie Garth's dreams?
"Wow, you're a great drummer," she'd say.
"Thanks. Wanna get married?"
"Kiss me now, Canuck-boy."
But the biggest question implanted (pun intended) in my mind came from
Brother Bill, a Toronto radio personality who I play hockey with on Sunday
nights:
"Tyler you gotta tell me if Valerie's tits are really that big."
The drive from Beverly Hills (where our hotel was) to where they actually
film each thrilling episode of 90210 is about a half hour. The studio,
sets and offices are in Van Nuys in an industrial park. We piled out of
the van into our deluxe "honey wagon" dressing room. (For those who aren't
down wit da showbiz, a honey wagon is a portable trailer with dressing
rooms in it.) It even had BARENAKED LADIES on the door. Then the third
assistant director -- or 3rd A.D. -- took our breakfast order and ushered
us over to make-up.
On the away I noticed many attractive young people heading to the small
trailer next to ours. Many of the model-esque folks were carrying freshly
pressed funky shirts or dresses. It dawned on me that these extras, or
"Background Performers" as they're euphemistically referred to, will play
the After Dark patrons.
"A-ha," I said to Steve Page. "There's our audience."
"This is our best-looking audience ever," Steve noted.
When we got to the make-up truck, we were greeted at the door by some
staffers. Right behind them was Tiffany Amber Theissen. "Wow," I thought.
"The first star I see is Valerie!" She was very friendly and commented
that she likes our band, and that Jason and Tori (surprise) are our bigger
fans. We are all very polite and chit-chatty, then it becomes impossible
not to notice: the tiny white t-shirt that Tiffany is wearing leaves nothing
to the imagination. Well, maybe I don't know what colour her nipples are,
but I know that they could have taken a shorter man's eye out. As for Brother
Bill's question, the answer is a resounding "Yes, they're that big and
they're freer-standing than the CN Tower!" Thank goodness for reruns of
Saved By The Bell to bring us back to reality.
After Make-up we head back towards our trailer, and Jason and girlfriend
Christine Elise arrive. The Priest is not shooting any scenes today, nor
is he directing. So much for my close-up. He asks me and Steve if we want
a tour of the sets. "Does the Pope shit in the Woods? Of course we do,
man!"
Off we go through the Walsh house. It's way smaller than it looks on
the screen and there are no ceilings. I remember that TV ENLARGES things,
and once again Valerie floats through my consciousness. But just for a
second.
There's the pinball machine, and the fake T.V. and stereo. It was surreal
being in a place that doesn't really exist, and it's obvious that Jason
sees the novelty in showing us locations that we've all seen but never
been in. We all know what the Peach Pit Diner looks like, it exists every
week for a few minutes, then it's gone, back to being a dark set with nary
a burger being flipped.
When we get to the beach house where Kelly, Donna and Claire live,
Jason shows us a colourful bed in the room at the end of the hall. "Jennie
Garth slept in that bed," he says enticingly. We all laugh and I secretly
wonder, "Are Kelly's ...."
Three hours later, breakfast arrives. So much for the star treatment.
My cold "Breakfast Sandwich" is the greasiest thing this side of Mickey
Rourke, and our scene has been pushed back. So we do what you do in production
land: we hurry up and wait. This gives me a chance to check out my TV drum
kit. It's specially equipped with muffling pads and fake cymbals that don't
make a sound when you hit 'em. The guys suggested I use them all the time.
Very funny, guys.
When we finally hit the stage in front of our immaculately dressed,
ethnically mixed, and cosmetically homogeneous crowd, we receive some pretty
explicit instructions from the 1st A.D.
"Hey guys, great to have you on the show. Let me tell ya how this is
gonna work. We'll roll your song - what is it - Brian Wilson? Yeah, and
you guys will play along until the music stops. Then you have to keep miming,
BUT WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND, because we have dialogue to pick up."
Then he turned to the background performers and said:
"Extras, oops I mean background artists, we need you to dance along
and get into the music, but when it stops YOU NEED TO KEEP DANCING AND
NOT MAKE A SOUND WITH YOUR FEET. You need to be extremely quiet because
we have Kelly's dialogue to pick up."
The band chuckled at the prospect of having to mime without a soundtrack
to guide us. What was even funnier was the prospect of dancing club-goers,
shaking their booty unaccompanied and not shuffling their feet. So if you're
ever watching 90210 thinking "These cats look good, but they can't boogie
worth a shit!" now you know why .
We met Jennie Garth (Kelly), Kathleen Robertson (Claire) and Ian Ziering
(Steve), in a break between scenes. Kathleen is from Hamilton, and has
seen our band a few times. She was totally friendly and down to earth in
that Canadian way. We talked a bit about Maniac Mansion the show she was
on in Canada with Joe Flaherty. Kathleen is actually more attractive in
real-life. She has fine features and beautiful eyes. Apparently her eyes
are real.
I think Ian (pronounced EYE-an) is about 36 or something, so I can
excuse his five-head and receding hairline. He must be laughing all the
way to the Swiss bank, still being on a show about people in their early
twenties. He had never really heard of the band, but that's okay - I've
never heard of him either.
Jennie Garth is very attractive. She has a certain girl-next-door vibe
in person, unlike the princess she plays on the show. She said "You're
funny" after I lamely kept saying "Hi" during a group photo of band and
cast. I shut up after that.
We never got to meet Tori Spelling, which I think is a good thing,
since I can't imagine meeting anyone that skinny, and we missed Brian Austin
Green, who we met before.
I'm sorry to say that the highlight of my whole 90210 experience was
between takes. I happened to be standing by the door to the studio when
Tiffany and Jennie came walking out together. I quickly took advantage
of the situation, and asked if they would mind taking a photo with me.
Nearby was Kevin Hearn, our piano player, who suggested that he take the
shot, and then I could take one of him with the babes. Kev bugged me every
day for two weeks to get those photos developed so he could make his TV
fantasy complete.
The picture sort of sums up everything about my experience in the 90210
universe. I look kinda out of place, not good-looking, and star-struck
all at the same time. The girls look totally glamourous and bodacious.
No wonder people have tuned in for seven years of watching young, beautiful
people maybe get-it-on every week.
Career-wise, appearing on the show could be one of the best things
to happen to us. We'll give millions of people a taste of Barenaked Ladies
in just a few minutes, and do more than six years of U.S. touring has done.
This is prime time, brothers and sisters. If anything, being on TV confirms
your celebrity, which has faded slightly for us. Perhaps 90210 will help
in that department. Personally, I'd rather sell more records and play to
more people as a result of our gig at After Dark. Otherwise, you may have
to add Barenaked Ladies' name to the list of Canucks living in Hollywood.
