Please send all feedback to tigger246@hotmail.com for now. It'll be greatly appreciated as this fic is still in progress.
AUTHOR: UK- spookmsuk@yahoo.com
AB- anu1219@yahoo.com
truztno1- tigger246@hotmail.com
RATING: PG-13 for LOTS AND LOTS of interesting language, and however the MPAA defines it
SPOILERS: Possibly a lot.... but only the future will tell..... seriously!!!!!!
SUMMARY: Lots of unhappy philes go to CC with possible plot threads. (It's a very blase description for a pretty good fic, if we say so ourselves!!!)
DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, and anyone/anything else affiliated with The X-Files belong to Chris Carter, Fox networks, and Ten-Thirteen productions,etc., and were used without permission. No infringement on anyone's copyrights or any abuse of any copyright laws is intended. No defamation of anyone's character is meant, and no offense through any stereotypes that may be within this fanfic. "Kick in the Ass" is the property of Moxy Fruvous and Bottom Line Records, lyrics are used without permission.
AUTHOR COMMENTS: This story originated from all of our individual complaints about the show and our need to stretch our writing muscles without having a ditzy english teacher write her unlegible comments in the margins!!!! Please give us feedback, NOT flames, but negative feedback is fine too- send it to the above e-mail addys. Oh yeah, and if you're a Fruvous fan, or want to know more about them, e-mail MJ if you want to chat endlessly about them! (BTW, she's NOT canadian). Why are there so many footnotes? Too much time spent on alt.music.moxy-fruvous. *MJ's Grin*
CC, tired of this, after trying to convince them that the American government was going to be out to get them if they didn't leave the premises immediately, and then resorting to calling security and yelling "Your people talk to mine," along with every other Hollywood-related cliche that one could imagine, finally relented. He had sent one of his personal assistants out with a roll of tickets to distribute.
"All right people, you'll each get a ticket, and the party with the number (which will be called at random) will get a 15 minute chat for the next 4 hours. After that, everybody out, or security will be called in as you are tresspassing Fox studio property."
In the crowd, murmurs of excitement could be heard, along with MJ [2] muttering "Hah! What can Fox do??? Puny, crappy little network. Total programming shit except for XF and the Simpsons." Somewhere in the giant congregation, someone pumped up a huge stereo and began blasting the song "Kick in the Ass" by Moxy Fruvous [3]-
Kick in the ass.
Kick in the ass.
Kick in the ass, it's coming.
Kick in the ass, it's coming.
(repeats)
That guy who's stealing my parking space
He gets a kick in the ass.
A great big kick in the ass.
That baggage handler
playing with my suitcase
He'll get a kick in the ass.
It's comin', kick in the ass.
People telemarketing, calling during supper.
They should come visit and
show me their face.
And get a kick in the ass.
A great big kick in the ass.
A kick in the ass.
It's coming.
Kick in the ass.
Someone's complaining that
they got no hors d'oeuvres.
They'll get a kick in the ass.
A great big kick in the ass.
(That guy!) That guy who wrote that book about the bell curve.
My hardest kick in the ass.
It's comin', kick in the ass.
Jugs of milk left in the fridge,
with only drops remaining.
I'll find who did it,
they'll get what they deserve. (get what they deserve)
A great big kick in the ass.
That's right, a kick in the ass.
(vocal "kick in the ass, it's comin" solos)
I dole out justice with the tip of my boot.
(I'll kick ya!)
Kick in the ass.
It's comin'- kick in the ass.
It's got a logic that you just can't refute.
(You just can't refute good)
Commander kick in the ass.
The king of kick in the ass.
A trail of aching derrières
next time they'll be more thoughtful.
They'll hunt me down and
stop my fun at the root.
I'll get a
Kick in the ass.
Full circle
Kick in the ass.
Humungous
Kick in the ass.
Gigantic
Kick in the ass.
Dooo...
At its conclusion, someone yelled out "That's what Chris Carter deserves for some of his latest storylines!!!! There was a mix of 'boos' and cheers, along with a few Fruheads (Moxy Fruvous fans) totally enjoying the music. Over this whole commotion, the assistant yelled out the number "11221963. " A woman with black frizzy hair reminescent of Einstein's yelled out "That's the day JFK was assisinated- November 22, 1963!!!! It's all a big, fucking conspiracy!!!! Crap!!! The X-Files is all a ploy to get people to believe that aliens exist!!!!! A lie within a lie!!!!!!!!" She looked around left to right nervously, as if she was surprised by her own outburst. "Miss?" the assistant asked. "Is that your number?" She nodded. "I can't control these sudden outbursts, you know, I was a test subject of the government's, exposed to Ergotimene histamine gas.[4] You know, the paranoia spray," she explained, twitching her eyebrows. Somehow, she reminded the assistant of the female counterpart of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, sprinkled with a little crack cocaine and paranoid anarchist along the way. Or MJ [5]. Perhaps the "Bill Clinton is an alien.... doesn't his choice in women explain everything? Bring him down!" written on her t-shirt helped the assistant come to his conclusion. The assistant silently led the woman as she rambled incoherantly to Chris Carter's office. Along the way, he asked security to come along with him, and asked the bulky and burly (was it muscle or was it hypnotizing piles of jiggling fat?) guard to keep an eye on the woman.
Once within the office, she began her narrative by introducing herself with three words. "Truztno1. Or MJ." For purposes of making this easier to understand, this is how the conversation went.
CC: What?
MJ: My name is Truztno1. Or MJ.
CC: Oh. Yes?
MJ: It's time that the X-Files broadcasted some truth. It is, after all, a show renowned internationally.
CC: (blushing) Yes, well-
MJ: (cutting him off) But it could use a shitload of help.
CC: (a reaction that only a Hollywood honcho with an ego too big could have) WHAT?!?!?!?!!
MJ: Ok, here's a storyline. Schoolteachers all over the nation are giving stupid, time consuming assignments such as building models of l'Arc de Triomphe, Roman Aqueducts, the Great Wall of China, Egyptian Boats, etc, to too-old-for-this-crap 8th grade students. You name it, it gets built. Of course, the teachers aren't aware that they're doing evil by giving these assignments. The government is behind it all. They train the psychaitrists/psycologists to tell all of the child study teams that doing projects like them promotes visual/spatial intelligence, and not only the type of intelligence used in regular class. Damn it, there just aren't 12 intelligences!!! There's one type of intelligence, and it can be used to do many things, but building l'Arc de Triomphe and writing why UNESCO should preserve the monument doesn't require that much. It's all a ploy to dumb down the current population of children attending the nation's schools so that in a few years, the government could do WHATEVER they want. Bring aliens to earth, use kids as guinea pigs for government tests, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! It's also a ploy to suck all the money out of guilty parents visiting child psychologists, who in turn fork it over to the government when paying taxes. People like Mulder will be dismissed as senile, and just "a little out of it". Put in a nursing home, abused, with nobody to help. Mulder should realize that the growing number of children buying Teletubbies (or something else that you guys think is really stupid, Ujjwala or Anoosha) and the average age of children learning to read increasing[6]. And where is Mulder in all of this? He should be out investigating it and stop the damage being done to our future! And what's in it for you, Mr. Carter? Why, if you hit that chord with the suburban teenager whose wallet is steadily increasing, you could be nurturing another market who will spend anything, even useless things, for what they want and like, like what your current market of X-Philes is doing. The advertisers will love you.
Money will be pouring in. Fox will be ecstatic. [7] You might have a chance to revive Millennium. At this, CC, who had been patiently ignoring the woman entirely and nursing his bruised ego, perked up.
CC: Come again?
MJ: You have a potential hit and a paying market here.
CC: No, after that.
MJ: You might have a chance to revive Millennium.
CC: Ahh. Thank you. Now get out!
MJ: What? So you'll take it?
CC: Security, please get this woman to a mental institution immediately!!!!
MJ: You're a part of the government, aren't you? I knew it! I was on to something big! I knew too much, didn't I?
So, screaming, she was led out, probably put into a mental institution.
But, as word has it, she has escaped, and is now currently writing this fanfic.[8]
CC: She had a point...... nah. NEXT!!!!
2. MJ, aka truztno1- Yet another co-author of this fanfic. Fruhead (looking forward to the Ocean City concert!), X-Phile, ever converting people Fruvinism, X-Phility, paranoid conspiracy lover, a little "insane in the membrane" if you ask aquaintances, Kuscenko/"THEM"-hater, rock climber, ultimate "cool geek" of the computer/online world, as well as reality (as much as an oxymoron that may be), #1 procrastinator, and ????????. 3. Kick in the Ass- you saw the lyrics. Moxy Fruvous- yet another awesome Canadian band (half of the best bands seem to be Canadian for some reason) that MJ is in love with and plugs unabashedly. Fruvous converts, anybody? 4. The chemical from "Unsual Suspects", EH for short, "causing paranoia and anxiety in victims in small doses" or something like that. Sorry if I've gotten it wrong, but that's basically what it is.
5. Yes, the same MJ as aforementioned in footnote #2. Or her evil twin, as genetically reproduced by the government to analyze her ingenious mind for world domination plots. : ) Or she may just be another mini-me (Austin Powers #2).
6. This isn't a real statistic, or so I don't think. I'm not going to bother to try it out. It's just my personal belief. I could be wrong.
7. The *REAL* MJ's note- this is actually true, and the plot, I believe it to be.
8. Just kidding. Never had any problems with my mental health. Quite sane, thank you. ~truztno1/MJ