Celebrity Noggin Alert
The Homeland Celebrity Agency has issued a Level One Biotechnology Alert: Purple Tangerine. America’s celebrities should should take extra precautions to protect their DNA and brain cells from potential theft. According to an unsubstantiated tip, Saddam Hussein may attempt to clone Ed Koch as his new running mate or belly dancer. You may be next!

OPENING TONIGHT at Tony "I Ain't No Killer" Sopretto's Hair Loss Clinic & Casino in Las Vegas. For a limited half hour engagement over one consecutive night: THE BRITNEY SPEARS REQUIEM! In honor of all tragedies past and present, including those upcoming in our dining room or parking lot. Featuring the Badabing Symphony Orchestra and Code of Silence Choir. Tickets unavailable everywhere. You'll be glad you missed it!

Too Many Buddhas on the Road
Hollywood California.-- Riot police were brought in when thousands of Celebrity Buddhists stormed the grand opening of Wolfgang Rinpoche’s All Night Buddhist Supplies. Flyers had promised “Buy extended warranties on incense. Get reincarnated lama status!” . Scalpers ignored quantity restrictions, so angry latecomers were stuck with “reincarnated turtle status”. Within minutes, 7000 kung fu fights broke out, trashing the entire frozen lentil section. As the fights spilled onto the streets, half of Hollywood was destroyed, luckily the half zoned for redevelopment. City officials are now considering a ban on extended warranties or reincarnation.


History Books Post 9-11
Pearl Harbors that Failed: “The Tatertot Memorandum”

Hitler believed that crashing the Hindenburg at Lakehurst, New Jersey would demoralize the Americans. When America just shrugged it off as Nazi stupidity, Hitler was infuriated. He vowed to strike back with potatoes.
- Dr. Orenthal J. Thutz, The Tatertot Memorandum

Hitler’s plans for the invasion of Idaho are revealed in a new book by Dr. Orenthal J. Thutz , author of the monumental but insane “Christianity and Creepiness” It is the last days of the Third Reich. The Nazi High Command meet at Hitler’s bunker to await the arrival of Windows 95. The prospects for The Reich are grim. Despite a massive ad campaign in “Daily Infamy”, villainy’s most widely read trade paper, HItler is snubbed by The Academy of Evil Arts and Sciences. Not a single nomination, in any category of Evil. The al Qaeda Girl Scouts are advancing on Berlin, selling more cookies than the Gestapo. Running Windows on the Enigma machine would require costly upgrades.

Now, good news came from an unlikely source: America. Nazi spies had successfully integrated into American society without detection, often disguised as Klansmen or Nazis. On April 28th, 1945, Heinrich “Spiffy” Lubotnik, Reichspotatopankakefuhrer of the German American Bund dispatches a coded message to Hitler: “Potatoes in Idaho! Deep fried, will conquer World. Send $10 for complete plans.” This cryptic message, although not as snappy as “Tora,Tora,Tora” brought tears of joy to Hitler. For the first time in weeks, he danced through his bunker, sprinkling potato peels into everyone’s coffee. Potatoes, after all, had eluded weapons inspectors. They were much cheaper than V2 rockets. Hitler boasts to his henchmen “Roosevelt may have E=mc2, but I have “Taters + Hydrogenated Oil = Evil” Many thought it was time to assassinate him or at least confinscate his potato peeler.

Fate rang Hitler’s doorbell for hours, but he refused to answer. After the doorbell was broken, Fate started knocking. Hitler, already insane since birth was driven to an unsettling sanity. “Time for an aspirin” he thought. His reluctance to read labels had finally caught up with him for it was not aspirin, but cyanide! “So much for escaping with the von Trapp family!” he whimpered. Hitler was dead. His plans for America unrealized. A dream seething with diabolical brilliance: the mass marketing of french fries.

TELETHON CANCELLED

The first annual telethon for THE PARTNERSHIP FOR A MAFIA FREE AMERICA has been cancelled after its Chairman, Fritz “No Pablo” Escobar was hit on the head with a cast iron frying pan. Police found a scrambled egg in the pan with a note declaring “This is your brain messed up by the Mob!.”