Justin Timberlake recently announced his divorce to wife of ten
years, Britney Spears. Timberlake and the former Queen of Pop got
married in the summer of '05. In that year, the suicide rate of
young teenage girls quadrupled and teenage boys continued to
masterbate to Spears' 99 Rollingstone cover. Justin and Britney
wed after the breakup of Timberlake's music group Nsync. Spears
and Timberlake were together on and off in the five years of
Nsync's very successful career (their downfall due in part by
their '04 rap album "White Boys Can Rap"). Spears is reported to
have custody of their two kids, their son Eminem (named after the
late rapper turned minister and speaker for racial equality) and
daughter Silicone (named after Britney's breasts). It is rumored
that Britney, in hopes of rekindling an old flame, called King
William of England. Queen Elizabeth (she just won't die),
however, responded to Britney's message by saying, "leave my
grandson alone you fat cow!"
Justin Timberlake (who single-handedly revived the "afro" in the
early years of the century) is reported to have tried contacting
his ex-"band" mates in order to stage an Nsync reunion. JC
Chasez, the other lead singer, was glad to hear about the
reunion. His happy marriage to Jenny Chasez (26) proved
that boyband members can marry their twelve year old fans.
Chasez, however, tasted failure when he recently tried to reunite
his former MMC pals and launch "MMC:The Next Generation". The one
hour drama, which featured stars such as Keri Russel
and..uh..other well known ex-MMC members, lasted only half a
season before it was dropped by FOX.
It was difficult for Timberlake to get into contact with Joey
Fatone, another member of Nsync. Fatone is in court once again on
his 38th child paternity suit. It seems that this ex superman's
"super sperm" has gotten him into trouble over the years. The
media has tore Fatone apart due to the fact that none of these
girls who claim that Fatone is the father of their kid is over
the age of 17. We caught up with Fatone at Univeral Studios where
he is once again playing Beetleguise. Here's what he had to say.
"I never touched her...or her little sister!"
Chris Kirkpatrick, the "crazy" one, also believed in a reunion
and wanted one many years ago after his failed marriage to former
songstress Christina Aguilera. Aguilera, who was rummored to have
broken up Carson Daly (ex-TRL host and president of MTV) and
Jennifer Love Hewitt (actress in the Emmy Award winning "I Still
Know What You Did 10 summers ago"), retired two years after her
debut due to her "peroxide balding". Kirkpatrick's two year
marriage to Aguilera ended in a messy divorce after it was
revealed that the only reason she married him was because Britney
married an Nsyncer an she wanted one too. Though Kirkpatrick
wanted a reunion, he may not be able to join his former bandmates
because he now suffers from Alzheimer's.
Lance proved to be very successful after the breakup of Nsync. He
started his own business, Lancelot Entertainment, and manages the
careers of several young acts such as boygroup 4our, The
Backstreet Kids, and Jamie Lynn Spears (singer of "Baby One More
Time...Again"). His marriage to Howie Durough of the defunct
group, The Backstreet Boys, has been very successful despite the
media's criticism. As for the rest of Howie's bandmates,
Hurricane Oprah killed them a week after the release of their
third album ironically titled "Never Gonna Quit". Lance has not
commented on the "reunion", but Howie says, "I think it'th a
thuper idea and if the Backthreet Boyth were thtill alive I
would jump at the chanth."
Timberlake is still hopeful that there will be an Nsync reunion
and they can once again rule the pop charts. He hopes to call the
new album "No Strings Attached", the former name of their
sophomore album which never reached record stores due to constant
"setbacks". In the meantime, thanks to the perfection of human
cloning, Justin's 18 year old duplicate has recently posed for
Playgirl. Pick up your copy today.
In related news, Lou Pearlman, former Nsync manager, died
today,
a week after the release of his new group First Avenue Guys
(FAG). He was hit by a bus. The driver and all the passengers
died on impact with Lou. Pearlman survived, however, but suffered
a heart attack while chasing an ice cream truck a minute later.
