Greetings, fame-seekers!  I am a famous Hollywood agent with an even more famous client whom you may remember from such films as Masters of the Universe and Rocky IV—Dolph Lundgren!  I come to you today with a plea from my client.  He’s been rather depressed as of late, you see, and the other day he came to me and said, “DOLPH IS SAD.  DOLPH NO TALENTED.  DOLPH WANT COOKIE.”  After placating the last of his needs with a taste DoubleStuff Oreo, I set out to find an answer for my client’s low self-esteem problem.
That answer, dear reader, is you.
You see, for the sake of my client’s well-being, I’ve created The Minion, a feature surrounding my Dolph and with special guest appearances by YOU.  All contestants will be flown to Toronto in order to star in what could well be the most ego-boosting film ever made.  For Dolph, that is.

WHAT IS THE MINION?

The Minion is a 12 million dollar epic motion picture shot in Toronto, though it takes place in New York.  In the film, we constantly remind people of this, giving hits with such subtlety as dialogue like “Hey, youze in New Yoak City here!” and constantly cutting to shots of cars marked “NYPD Police,” despite the phrase’s obvious redundancies.

The plot of The Minion concerns the gateway to hell, which is inexplicably only guarded by a couple of weakly modern Templar knights in a church.  Dolph plays the knight who teams up with a young female archaeologist in order to keep the key to the door away from the minion of Satan, who keeps jumping from body to body, just like in The Hidden.   Only awful!

You, dear out-of-work actor, can join us on the set of The Minion and get your share of the $12 million budget!  After all, we can’t put that money up on the screen, as it may overshadow Dolph.

You will be required to:

Overact during every scene possible, spitting out every line as though it was the most important thing in the world.
Dance around in laughably-choreographed fight scenes, boredly flinging swords and spiked gloves around without any real direction.
Despite filling every line with energetic campiness, somehow manage to be completely devoid of emotion, unable to take any direction other than “talk,” “stare into space” and “fall through a window”—and none of them at the same time.

To do our part, we’ll provide you with the following:

A director that doesn’t speak English or, apparently, know anything at all about handling actors, blocking, or the camera.
Awful heavy metal instrumental music in the background, the likes of which haven’t been heard since Maximum Overdrive.
A plot that makes minimal sense, awkwardly moving from action scenes to dramatic ones without the slightest bit of flow.
No script whatsover, just random bits of dialogue like “You have failed!  Soon my master will live again!” which will be placed in a hat and picked at random.
A total sense of freedom—if your character can’t figure out that the Minion might just be that suspicious-looking fellow who stares a lot and growls at you, or that a person lying on the ground with blood all over is not, in fact, sleeping, go for it!  We welcome idiotic characters, because they’ll make Dolph look smart.

We hope that, with your efforts to make this the most incredibly terrible film released this year, Dolph will have a renewed sense of confidence with all the reviews that say things like “Not even Dolph Ludgren deserves this.”  In addition, your poor acting just may make Dolph’s monosyllabic performance look like Dustin Hoffman by comparison.

So help us make Dolph happy again.  Or he will come to your house and eat you.

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