I’d consumed a fair portion of vodka and pink lemonade before viewing Satan’s School For Girls, knowing it was not only a TV-movie, but a remake of a silly 70’s TV-movie featuring Kate Jackson and Shannon Doherty from the director of Teen Wolf Too.  I didn’t intend to drink so much; my pouring just got out of control and I ended up taking in enough alcohol to get me though an entire series of “Charlie’s Angels” re-runs.

    The intoxication, surprisingly enough, didn’t prove to be totally necessary.  Sure, SSFG is dumb, but enjoyably so, never forcing the camp value of things (a surefire way to kill any camp potential) nor taking itself too seriously and going over-the-top with the drama.  It’s still probably best to have a drink in hand while watching, but save the full bottle for The Audrey Hepburn Story starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.

    Doherty plays Beth, a young(ish) woman whose sister turns up dead of a supposed suicide.  We, of course, know that witchery is involved, having seen crows that turn into shadows and then into knife-wielding demons of some sort off her.  Beth isn’t as well informed, so she sets off to the girl’s school that sis was attending for some answers.

    Beth doesn’t have any problems forging a new identity or convincing her classmates that she’s 21(!) and quickly becomes accepted by her peers.  Her roommate (Julie Benz, star of Jawbreaker, a rip-off of Heathers, featuring –wait for it—Shannon Doherty.  Witchery indeed!) is nice enough, though she’s involved with a professor at the school (Richard Joseph Paul, of the Oblivion movies) who, natch, has designs on Beth.  Meanwhile, our heroine tries to unravel the mystery of “The Five,” a mysterious group on campus that seems to point to a gang of goth chicks that nobody really likes.

    Standard plot twists emerge.  The good guys don’t seem so good after all, Beth’s long-hidden psychic ability comes out of the closet, and Kate Jackson wanders about the halls as an administrator and looks and sounds like Margot Kidder.  Folks start dropping dead as they piss off cult members and Beth has flashbacks to her parents’ death in a car accident years ago.

    It’s all standard TV-movie fare, but the actors (wisely) play it straight, never letting on to how silly the plot is.  Fortunately, the goofy special effects and several really impressively dumb moments more than make up for it.  Beth leisurely wanders into people’s dorm rooms without any provocation, a satanic orgy sequence will have you giggling for minutes, and several plot points make no sense at all.  Why, for example, does a big, well-populated school have a completely vacant student union?  And what’s the deal with the re-occurring shot to a thunderbolt that looks like it was clipped from The Terror?

    Yes, it’s terminally dumb, complete with an ending featuring a burning witch yelling “We’ll see you in hell!” and a transporting Kate Jackson, but the acting is convincing enough to turn these flaws into an enjoyably goofy experience.  Never once does the director make the mistake of having the characters wink at the camera as if to say, “This is all pretty corny, isn’t it?” and that’s what makes Satan’s School for Girls work.  Is it scary?  Nah, but neither was the original.  Is it a camp classic destined to be sought out by bad movie fans in the future?  Most likely.

    SIDE NOTE: Is the Jonathan Stark who plays Beth's father the same Jonathan Stark from Fright Night and House II?  He doesn't look anything like him.  Anyone?