If the premise behind Wirey Spindell seems eerily familiar—a man in his 30’s, on the verge of commitment, reflects back on his previous loves in order to get over his fears—it’s because that’s also the premise behind this month’s High Fidelity.  The similarities between the two films, however, stop there. While High Fidelity stars the likable John Cusack, is directed by the talented Stephen Frears and is based on an excellent book by Nick Hornby, Wirey Spindell is written, directed, and stars Eric Schaeffer, a man who apparently has none of Cusack’s charm, Frears’ sense of pacing or Hornby’s wit.

    Schaeffer plays the title neurotic New Yorker, a fellow in his late-thirties on the verge of getting married to Tabitha (Callie Thorne), but due to a messy history (presumably), he can’t make love to any woman he’s truly in love with.  So Wirey and Tabitha haven’t had sex in months, a fact that irritated Tabitha and makes Wirey even more neurotic than normal, causing him to launch into a 5-minute speech about how he needs his quiet time in the bathroom.  Thus begin the flashbacks to all of his previous girlfriends.

    One of the main flaws in Wirey Spindell is the narration.  In films like High Fidelity and Annie Hall, the flashbacks are (sensibly) narrated by the character in the present.  In Wirey Spindell, the flashbacks are narrated by the actor playing the character in the flashback.  This means that, we end up with a 7-year-old kid talking in the past tense about all the alcohol, cigarettes, and gay sex he had at the time.  It may be trying to be outrageously funny or brutally honest, but it comes off as terribly awkward, and occasionally confusing.

    As bad as this idea is, at least it gives us a distraction from the real problem with Wirey, and that is Eric Schaeffer himself.  This is Schaeffer’s fourth film, following the unremarkable My Life’s in Turnaround, the useless If Lucy Fell and the not-entirely-terrible Fall, all of which deal in one way or another with beautiful, understanding, seemingly sane people falling in love with Schaeffer’s character, a whining, neurotic, less-than-ideally-handsome New Yorker.

    You might say, “Well, hey, isn’t that what Woody Allen does?  I mean, come on, Julia Roberts once played a character who falls for Allen!  Julia-freaking-Roberts!  Surely he’s just indulging in cinemasturbation as well?”  To which I would reply, “Yes, of course he is.  Woody Allen is probably even more of a neurotic whiny New Yorker forcing his sexual fantasies on the public than Eric Schaeffer could ever be.”

    So what’s the problem?

    Well, Woody Allen, for all his faults, is funny.  His writing is filled with wit and intelligence, and most of his complaints come from genuinely human neuroses.  A lot of people have mixed feelings about Woody Allen, the actor, but few people can deny that Woody Allen, the writer, is an extraordinary talent.

    Eric Schaeffer, however, is a both a poor writer and an irritating actor.  He manages to bring out all of Allen’s flaws and none of his humor.  Every time Wirey appears on screen, you can be guaranteed another five-minute rant about nothing in particular that gets redundant quickly, goes nowhere, and generally wastes everyone’s time.  Worse is that it’s performed by Schaeffer, whose grating, sneering voice could manage to hit every nerve in your body if he talks for long enough.

    I’m not saying Schaeffer is a bad guy—I’m sure he’d do quite well in a field that doesn’t really involve any sort of interpersonal skills.  I just think the film he spends should be put to better use, like, say, a screwball comedy where Kathy Ireland and Dennis Rodman help a crime-solving monkey escape from the clutches of an evil scientist played by Dabney Coleman.

    In the end, you wonder why the hell this perfectly nice, attractive young woman is even thinking about talking to this twit, much less marrying him.  The rest of the cast is fine, especially Eric Mabius, who plays Spindell in his 20’s, but they’re given nothing but the barest of characters to work with.

    It’s a romantic comedy that doesn’t manage a single laugh or even the slightest bit of believable romance.  I’m sure there are Eric Schaeffer fans out there, and both of you will probably love this, but unless you’re looking for a reason to hate indie films, saner minds should avoid this like Mia avoids Woody.

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